In some of the cases of infidelity the WS was intending to leave the BS for OM/OW. They come back after either:
1. They are dumped
2. They find out OM/OW had no intention of having a relationship and was only after sex.
3. It didn't work out
4. In some cases a WS has tried over and over to talk to the BS without getting anywhere. And when the affair happens the BS starts to change and the WS may come back because of this.
If you're a BS in this situation and are thinking of whether or not to take them back then you have to decide if you're ok with being Plan B. This is what you will probably be in the first 3 points. Some people can live with this. And if you are then by all means reconcile with the WS. Of course #4 is the best case scenario even if it is a crappy thing to happen. They shouldn't have cheated and instead asked for a divorce. But in this case you may be able to say you weren't plan B. That they just wanted their relationship with you back but lost hope. At least in this situation the WS had tried to work things out first. Still not an excuse for cheating.
For the first 3 points you're relationship wouldn't have been perfect. No ones is. You also have to realise that they weren't either. Even if you were the perfect spouse a counsellor would give the reason for the affair to be because the WS felt inferior in the relationship. So don't think about how if you had been a better spouse it wouldn't have happened. They would have still met OM/OW and still been attracted to them. You have to realise that no matter what your past relationships, family or marriage history is, there is a reason given for why the affair happened. Everyone on this planet could go to a counsellor, say they've cheated, and they'd be given a reason why. Even though they haven't.
So next would be regrets the WS who comes back might have.
1. They wished they hadn't went with the OM/OW because the end result was reasons 1, 2 or 3. Not because they always wanted to be with the BS but because they didn't get what they wanted and the betrayed spouse will do for now. Instead they got the consequences of their actions.
2. The BS asks for transparency and so now if they meet someone new that they are attracted to its going to be so much harder for them to hide it. So they may not do it again. And instead they'll be thinking if they hadn't went with the first OM/OW they could have with this new one and it may have worked.
3. The BS no longer fully trusts them. Some of the things they liked to do are no longer allowed. They may have to cut ties with certain friends. They may have to quit a job they loved as OM/OW works there.
4. They realise they should have asked for a divorce if the BS refused to try to work on the problems. They may have ended up divorced or the BS may have actually tried to work on things.
5. They realise they should have talked to the BS if there was anything they were unhappy with instead of acting as though everything was great. Some even get angry at a BS (before meeting OM/OW) if the BS notices something wrong and tries to talk about it.
I haven't put in the reasons above that a WS may feel bad about hurting the BS. Even a WS who leaves and marries the OM/OW may feel bad about hurting the BS.
So can you be happy as plan B? Yes. You could have a great relationship from then on. Your WS may never cheat again. Communication between you both may be a lot better than before. Both your needs and theirs could be met when before they weren't as now that they communicate what you want it can be achieved. And this can happen if the reasons for coming back were 1, 2, 3 or 4.
So when it comes to adultery why doesn't it happen again?
1. The WS may not do this again because of how much it hurt the BS. They realise how selfish they were and that they were only thinking of themselves. They know that if there is something they are unhappy with they need to communicate this with the BS and not try to get it from someone who isn't their spouse.
2. They don't want to take the chance. If they do it again and it doesn't work out the BS may not take them back this time. They don't want to be alone. And they may think that they won't get a better relationship than the one they have. It didn't work with OM/OW so it may not work next time. It doesn't matter what the BS does, how much emotional support they give, the money they make or that they work hard to meet their needs. For these people they are always wanting more, no matter how much you give.
Obviously I always hope its reason #1.
Some WS's will cheat again but this time they will be even more careful hiding it. I won't give examples of how to do this as anyone can read this and use it. Though its not hard to find on the internet.
So lets say you do decide to reconcile with the WS. You can't hold this over their head for the rest of their lives. Some BS's will do something that hurts the WS years later and they'll say that they cheated so they can't complain. You decided to work things out so you can't keep doing this. Yes, at first it will be hard. All I'm saying is you can't keep throwing it in their face any time they bring up a problem in the relationship or if they are hurt over something you did. It isn't a free pass to treat the WS like crap whenever you feel like it. If you can't do this then its better to end the relationship. Again I'll state that at the beginning this is going to be hard and the WS has to have some consequences for their actions. This doesn't include being treat badly.
I know a lot of the points above apply to any type of affair. So maybe I shouldn't use 'Plan B' as my thread title. Can't think of another one so I'll leave it as it is.
There will be other points I haven't mentioned, you may disagree with some, so if you can think of something please do so. I'm not the best at putting my thoughts in to words. And obviously I'm not some relationship Guru who knows everything.:) Are there any WS's on here who even many years later can't bring up problems in the relationship or complain about being treat badly because the BS says that they should just be happy that they stayed with them after the affair? Even though you work hard on the relationship and continue to be transparent.
1. They are dumped
2. They find out OM/OW had no intention of having a relationship and was only after sex.
3. It didn't work out
4. In some cases a WS has tried over and over to talk to the BS without getting anywhere. And when the affair happens the BS starts to change and the WS may come back because of this.
If you're a BS in this situation and are thinking of whether or not to take them back then you have to decide if you're ok with being Plan B. This is what you will probably be in the first 3 points. Some people can live with this. And if you are then by all means reconcile with the WS. Of course #4 is the best case scenario even if it is a crappy thing to happen. They shouldn't have cheated and instead asked for a divorce. But in this case you may be able to say you weren't plan B. That they just wanted their relationship with you back but lost hope. At least in this situation the WS had tried to work things out first. Still not an excuse for cheating.
For the first 3 points you're relationship wouldn't have been perfect. No ones is. You also have to realise that they weren't either. Even if you were the perfect spouse a counsellor would give the reason for the affair to be because the WS felt inferior in the relationship. So don't think about how if you had been a better spouse it wouldn't have happened. They would have still met OM/OW and still been attracted to them. You have to realise that no matter what your past relationships, family or marriage history is, there is a reason given for why the affair happened. Everyone on this planet could go to a counsellor, say they've cheated, and they'd be given a reason why. Even though they haven't.
So next would be regrets the WS who comes back might have.
1. They wished they hadn't went with the OM/OW because the end result was reasons 1, 2 or 3. Not because they always wanted to be with the BS but because they didn't get what they wanted and the betrayed spouse will do for now. Instead they got the consequences of their actions.
2. The BS asks for transparency and so now if they meet someone new that they are attracted to its going to be so much harder for them to hide it. So they may not do it again. And instead they'll be thinking if they hadn't went with the first OM/OW they could have with this new one and it may have worked.
3. The BS no longer fully trusts them. Some of the things they liked to do are no longer allowed. They may have to cut ties with certain friends. They may have to quit a job they loved as OM/OW works there.
4. They realise they should have asked for a divorce if the BS refused to try to work on the problems. They may have ended up divorced or the BS may have actually tried to work on things.
5. They realise they should have talked to the BS if there was anything they were unhappy with instead of acting as though everything was great. Some even get angry at a BS (before meeting OM/OW) if the BS notices something wrong and tries to talk about it.
I haven't put in the reasons above that a WS may feel bad about hurting the BS. Even a WS who leaves and marries the OM/OW may feel bad about hurting the BS.
So can you be happy as plan B? Yes. You could have a great relationship from then on. Your WS may never cheat again. Communication between you both may be a lot better than before. Both your needs and theirs could be met when before they weren't as now that they communicate what you want it can be achieved. And this can happen if the reasons for coming back were 1, 2, 3 or 4.
So when it comes to adultery why doesn't it happen again?
1. The WS may not do this again because of how much it hurt the BS. They realise how selfish they were and that they were only thinking of themselves. They know that if there is something they are unhappy with they need to communicate this with the BS and not try to get it from someone who isn't their spouse.
2. They don't want to take the chance. If they do it again and it doesn't work out the BS may not take them back this time. They don't want to be alone. And they may think that they won't get a better relationship than the one they have. It didn't work with OM/OW so it may not work next time. It doesn't matter what the BS does, how much emotional support they give, the money they make or that they work hard to meet their needs. For these people they are always wanting more, no matter how much you give.
Obviously I always hope its reason #1.
Some WS's will cheat again but this time they will be even more careful hiding it. I won't give examples of how to do this as anyone can read this and use it. Though its not hard to find on the internet.
So lets say you do decide to reconcile with the WS. You can't hold this over their head for the rest of their lives. Some BS's will do something that hurts the WS years later and they'll say that they cheated so they can't complain. You decided to work things out so you can't keep doing this. Yes, at first it will be hard. All I'm saying is you can't keep throwing it in their face any time they bring up a problem in the relationship or if they are hurt over something you did. It isn't a free pass to treat the WS like crap whenever you feel like it. If you can't do this then its better to end the relationship. Again I'll state that at the beginning this is going to be hard and the WS has to have some consequences for their actions. This doesn't include being treat badly.
I know a lot of the points above apply to any type of affair. So maybe I shouldn't use 'Plan B' as my thread title. Can't think of another one so I'll leave it as it is.
There will be other points I haven't mentioned, you may disagree with some, so if you can think of something please do so. I'm not the best at putting my thoughts in to words. And obviously I'm not some relationship Guru who knows everything.:) Are there any WS's on here who even many years later can't bring up problems in the relationship or complain about being treat badly because the BS says that they should just be happy that they stayed with them after the affair? Even though you work hard on the relationship and continue to be transparent.
Put the internet to work for you.
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