We have been married for 10 years, but I m tired of my marriage. Though most of the time we are happy, I deeply feel unsatisfied and a general sense of doom about my marriage. I feel deep resentment. I have this feeling that we should have never gotten married. He was a divorced man and the son of divorced parents. My parents on the other hand were married for 45 years, and so has everyone in my family. I kick myself for not knowing at the time that we could not possibly feel the same way about what marriage meant. For the first 2-3 years of marriage he would threatened with divorce and he would tell me he was unhappy. I would beg him not to leave me and to give me a chance. The idea humiliates me today, but we got through it. After he finally understood that it was unhealthy and that it hurt the marriage to threaten to leave, I had completely changed my perspective on what the marriage meant. I had to come to understand marriage the way he did . Temporary, unstable, we are here today and let's be happy for that, but we don't know what tomorrow holds. I came to resent him so much for changing something that was so precious to me. My belief in marriage as a lifetime commitment. He took that away from me. Now I believe divorce is an option and part of life. Hard to be truly close to someone who is telling you to your face they can and will leave you. Then there is the matter of his mother who was over involved in his life at the time I met him and when we got married due to her helping him raise his daughter. It is a long story, but some of the worst moments in our life together have been due to some argument regarding his mother. After ten years I am over it, and mostly I just don't want to be in the middle of them two. As awkward as it sounds, I feel like I wrestled him away from her and I won. And it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel like a b%^&*, and I just don't want to feel like that anymore. I a m over it. I constantly feel like I was detrimental in his life. Like I kicked his boundary challenged family out of his life and the guilt that comes with that is killing me. That was never my intention. I am just an introverted woman, and though I can do short visits, holidays and special events, no, I cannot have his mother visit for almost a month like the last two times. I just want to say, I am done! I am out of the picture. Then, there is the fact that he broke my trust forever two years ago. My father became ill and my grief began about 4 months before he even past away. The heaviness in my heart knowing that he would pass away soon is one of the most emotionally draining events one can experience. I had no room for my husband who did not understand my grief. He's never lost anyone and I think he literally equated it to losing a pet or something like that. During this time, he had no compassion for my feelings, he was angry with me for what I later would understand was his way of lashing out for not letting him comfort me during this time. He was in the way of my grief and my wanting to deal with it alone. Of course, when you are this emotionally vested in a looming event, sex is the last thing you have in mind. Though sex had never been an issue on my part, during this time I would say no, and I would try to get away, and I would just lay there sometimes and not reciprocate.
After my father passed, my family and I had a very difficult time with some of the members in my father's family. We were harassed and insulted, which made the grieving process more difficult. Two months after my father's passing, I found out my husband was looking online and calling massage parlors. I have no evidence that he went through with it. Through the huge blow out, he was regretful and apologetic. We moved on, we finally patched our marriage and became closer than ever. Not before me having a full nervous breakdown and having to be on medication for about a year after that. However, I have never been able to trust him since. I imagine the worse things about him sometimes. Little things make me imagine the worst about him, and at times, it makes me truly, truly miserable. I feel like I want out! Like I should not live like this if I am not going to fully love him. If I cannot abandon myself to our love. I am always guarded and vigilant. This is madness! I know this is a long story, but it is 10 years in the making, and I am one of those people who would never trust these things to anyone. That's right. Our life is private and neither one of us have shared our issues with anyone. Ever. I know we love each other, but it's just not enough. I feel like something is broken and cannot be fixed. Finally, I want to add to this story that I am chronically ill. I am a very ill woman. This has affected who I am personality wise, and physically. I used to be a gorgeous girl, and though by most definitions I am still a good looking lady my age (41), I don't feel it. I feel insecure and ugly around him. I don't like him to look at me too long, and see that my body is resembling more and more that of a sick woman. I eat well , so I am slender, but I am not fit since I cannot work out. I feel subconscious about my aging ungracefully. I truly feel like I can be a better person and take better care of myself if all the roller c oaster of emotions in the marriage are gone for good. My husband says I just want to run away from our problems. Truth is that is my MO, but this time, I swear it's more of a 'know when to fold them' situation and not a runaway situation. He does not understand that's truly where I am today. Getting closer and closer to just want to end the "hard work" crap about marriage. I just don'w want conflicts to solve anymore. I want peace. I want inner peace. I want to let go. Am I crazy?
After my father passed, my family and I had a very difficult time with some of the members in my father's family. We were harassed and insulted, which made the grieving process more difficult. Two months after my father's passing, I found out my husband was looking online and calling massage parlors. I have no evidence that he went through with it. Through the huge blow out, he was regretful and apologetic. We moved on, we finally patched our marriage and became closer than ever. Not before me having a full nervous breakdown and having to be on medication for about a year after that. However, I have never been able to trust him since. I imagine the worse things about him sometimes. Little things make me imagine the worst about him, and at times, it makes me truly, truly miserable. I feel like I want out! Like I should not live like this if I am not going to fully love him. If I cannot abandon myself to our love. I am always guarded and vigilant. This is madness! I know this is a long story, but it is 10 years in the making, and I am one of those people who would never trust these things to anyone. That's right. Our life is private and neither one of us have shared our issues with anyone. Ever. I know we love each other, but it's just not enough. I feel like something is broken and cannot be fixed. Finally, I want to add to this story that I am chronically ill. I am a very ill woman. This has affected who I am personality wise, and physically. I used to be a gorgeous girl, and though by most definitions I am still a good looking lady my age (41), I don't feel it. I feel insecure and ugly around him. I don't like him to look at me too long, and see that my body is resembling more and more that of a sick woman. I eat well , so I am slender, but I am not fit since I cannot work out. I feel subconscious about my aging ungracefully. I truly feel like I can be a better person and take better care of myself if all the roller c oaster of emotions in the marriage are gone for good. My husband says I just want to run away from our problems. Truth is that is my MO, but this time, I swear it's more of a 'know when to fold them' situation and not a runaway situation. He does not understand that's truly where I am today. Getting closer and closer to just want to end the "hard work" crap about marriage. I just don'w want conflicts to solve anymore. I want peace. I want inner peace. I want to let go. Am I crazy?
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