Would like opinions and/or advice...
FWH and I in fairly good R with typical ups and downs after disclosure of LTA and another 20 year old LTA that was kept secret.
Problem: I still dismally trigger when I see either woman. I can trigger off of the other usual sources too but have been fairly successful beating those down on my own.
But heres the thing: I feel I should be able to share these feelings when I trigger with my FWH as they are aroused due to his decision to cheat. I have absolutely no other person to talk it over with as we decided to not expose his infidelity to friends/family. Of course I could engage the services of a therapist which I have done in the past.
Now some people, my FWH included, might consider this punishing him over and over, hanging on to and bringing up the past to hurt him or throwing it back in his face, etc.
Typically I try to share my emotions in a non judgemental way,I guess to vent them but also to elicit some sort of sympathy or support but that doesn't usually work out that way. FwH just usually shuts down or pushes back defensively. Obviously it is very difficult for him to emphathize or it arouses too much negative emotion for him. However last night when I explained to him that in the beginning I never held any animosity towards his APs before I learned they were his mistresses, that HE himself put that on me by his choice to engage with them inside our marriage, I think a light went off in his understanding. I told him if I feel the horrible triggering from even just the sight of them, he should have the willingness to listen to what I feel come what may.
Am I wrong in my reasoning? I hate that these women have so much power over me still...I know only I can deal wih that but how do I make him understand that I need to express it and hear him respond in some way to what I feel which is that there are still some issues out there we haven't worked thru.
Or am I simply trying to punish him by making him feel as bad as I do.
Opinions please.
FWH and I in fairly good R with typical ups and downs after disclosure of LTA and another 20 year old LTA that was kept secret.
Problem: I still dismally trigger when I see either woman. I can trigger off of the other usual sources too but have been fairly successful beating those down on my own.
But heres the thing: I feel I should be able to share these feelings when I trigger with my FWH as they are aroused due to his decision to cheat. I have absolutely no other person to talk it over with as we decided to not expose his infidelity to friends/family. Of course I could engage the services of a therapist which I have done in the past.
Now some people, my FWH included, might consider this punishing him over and over, hanging on to and bringing up the past to hurt him or throwing it back in his face, etc.
Typically I try to share my emotions in a non judgemental way,I guess to vent them but also to elicit some sort of sympathy or support but that doesn't usually work out that way. FwH just usually shuts down or pushes back defensively. Obviously it is very difficult for him to emphathize or it arouses too much negative emotion for him. However last night when I explained to him that in the beginning I never held any animosity towards his APs before I learned they were his mistresses, that HE himself put that on me by his choice to engage with them inside our marriage, I think a light went off in his understanding. I told him if I feel the horrible triggering from even just the sight of them, he should have the willingness to listen to what I feel come what may.
Am I wrong in my reasoning? I hate that these women have so much power over me still...I know only I can deal wih that but how do I make him understand that I need to express it and hear him respond in some way to what I feel which is that there are still some issues out there we haven't worked thru.
Or am I simply trying to punish him by making him feel as bad as I do.
Opinions please.
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