Posted this in a different section and was told to post over here:
First time on a forum like this. Just don't really have anyone else to talk to about this so I appreciate just being able to get it out there. Sorry if it's long.
Wife and I have been happily married for 14 years and we've been together for the past 20. We met in college and have been monogamous for the entire time. We have 4 young children whom we love dearly. We are a very social couple and we live in a very social neighborhood. We have established some very close friendships for the past 4 years with our neighbors especially a group of 3 other families that are very similar in make up - kids, age, religion, etc. We take care of each others' kids as if they were our own, give each other advice about just about everything, take trips together and are pretty much inseparable. We all like to drink socially and hang out at one another's house all together pretty much every weekend. Sometimes (after the kids are in bed) we get pretty drunk - my wife usually more than I - and we have a great time together.
As I mentioned, my wife gets more drunk than I do, so usually when the kids need to get to bed I offer to take care of it. Sometimes I'll return to the fray, and other times just stay with the kids - our houses are very close to each other. Most of the time it's just the 8 of us sitting and talking and laughing and listening to music. Nothing crazy - but usually late (after midnight for sure).
I've never been a jealous man when it comes to my wife. I have always trusted her with no reservations. I've never had a reason not to - that I am aware of. Her being with this group of friends makes it even easier to feel confident that there's nothing to worry about.
Halloween night, changed a lot of this. After trick-or-treating I took the kids home to get them to bed and my wife went to our neighbors to the post party. I was tired and fell asleep on the couch waiting for the kids to fall asleep. By the time I woke up it was close to midnight and I figured she'd be coming home anytime so I moved to our bed - where the two youngest were sleeping. I was awakened at 2:30 by my very drunk wife and she proceeded to immediately tell me that she had gotten together with one of the women in our group - almost proudly. In a fog I was shocked and plainly asked her why? And where were the other woman's kids, and where that woman's husband? I had many other questions, but that's all I could muster at that time. She assured me that it was just them two and that nobody saw them. It was just petting and touching above the waist. She said that it was just fun, and silly and drunk. I didn't want to get into it with her - so I sent her to the bedroom of t he kids who were in our bed and she went. I didn't like the sound of what happened, but also wasn't feeling as though I had gotten the full story.
In the morning it was pretty much business as usual. Kids soccer, other daughter needed to go to the doctor, etc. She could probably tell that I was still in a state of shock and she reiterated that it was just goofy drunk stuff. I asked about the husband and she said he was still at the party across the street.
Well, as it turns out, in casual conversation I learned from the neighbor who was having the party that everyone had left between 1 - 1:30 AM - including the husband of the woman my wife got together with. I knew then, that there was more to this story. That night I was out with a friend celebrating his birthday and by the time I got home she was fast asleep. The next day I decided that I wouldn't bring it up before the kids were in bed so I went out all day. Watched some football with one of the other men in our group.
Last night after the kids went to bed I still wasn't sure I wanted to bring it up but she asked me what's wrong. She wanted to talk about it, I could tell. I asked about the husband and she again said he wasn't there, when I told her about the fact that I had discovered that the timing didn't add up and pressed her about where he was, she admitted that he was there, but he was making sure none of their kids came in - outside of the room. I pressed her telling her that I know how she gets when she's drunk (no inhibitions) and that it didn't seem logical that this guy just sat outside the room, all the while being just as drunk as the two ladies. She told me that she and this man, whom I consider a close, very good friend, had made out for a while and then he left and closed the door for his wife and mine to have their own fun. I pressed even further and as of now, according to her, that's the end of the story. She's very apologetic, she knows that what happened is wrong. It's not what we want to base our relationship on. She would die with out me, etc. I told her that she is the shining jewel in my life and that I can't share like that.
I am no prude. We have kissed other people before, even been naked with other people at the same time (mostly me, at my wife's urging) - but we were together - and much younger. I know I'd get turned on in a situation together like that again - her with another woman (not the guy thing).
But this seems so different to me. I feel betrayed, lied to, confused, you name it. I am still not even sure that I got the full story, nor do I feel like I can get her to tell me more. Even more, I'm not sure I want/need to know more. I also feel trapped. What I mean by that is that I really have no options when it comes to who to talk to. I don't want people that we know to know about this. She's not a ****. She is not a liar. All of my friends are friends with her, so I really can't talk to any of them. My family doesn't need to know. So I'm here for some advice.
I have no intention of separating myself from her and my family. I don't love her any less. I just need to know how to get past this? Is it just a time thing? I keep thinking it will pass but last night I was awake half the night and the images that my mind is coming up with - even if the story is just as she has said - jolts me like an electric shock. Will the movies in my head stop? Or will this just be something I have to deal with from now on? What happens next time she's going to their house? What about when I'm out of town?
My heart hurts and I think it's mostly because I now have reason not to trust her when before it was never even an afterthought. Should I just let it go? Should I just become the orgy guy? (Seinfeld reference!) What is my next step? Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks.
First time on a forum like this. Just don't really have anyone else to talk to about this so I appreciate just being able to get it out there. Sorry if it's long.
Wife and I have been happily married for 14 years and we've been together for the past 20. We met in college and have been monogamous for the entire time. We have 4 young children whom we love dearly. We are a very social couple and we live in a very social neighborhood. We have established some very close friendships for the past 4 years with our neighbors especially a group of 3 other families that are very similar in make up - kids, age, religion, etc. We take care of each others' kids as if they were our own, give each other advice about just about everything, take trips together and are pretty much inseparable. We all like to drink socially and hang out at one another's house all together pretty much every weekend. Sometimes (after the kids are in bed) we get pretty drunk - my wife usually more than I - and we have a great time together.
As I mentioned, my wife gets more drunk than I do, so usually when the kids need to get to bed I offer to take care of it. Sometimes I'll return to the fray, and other times just stay with the kids - our houses are very close to each other. Most of the time it's just the 8 of us sitting and talking and laughing and listening to music. Nothing crazy - but usually late (after midnight for sure).
I've never been a jealous man when it comes to my wife. I have always trusted her with no reservations. I've never had a reason not to - that I am aware of. Her being with this group of friends makes it even easier to feel confident that there's nothing to worry about.
Halloween night, changed a lot of this. After trick-or-treating I took the kids home to get them to bed and my wife went to our neighbors to the post party. I was tired and fell asleep on the couch waiting for the kids to fall asleep. By the time I woke up it was close to midnight and I figured she'd be coming home anytime so I moved to our bed - where the two youngest were sleeping. I was awakened at 2:30 by my very drunk wife and she proceeded to immediately tell me that she had gotten together with one of the women in our group - almost proudly. In a fog I was shocked and plainly asked her why? And where were the other woman's kids, and where that woman's husband? I had many other questions, but that's all I could muster at that time. She assured me that it was just them two and that nobody saw them. It was just petting and touching above the waist. She said that it was just fun, and silly and drunk. I didn't want to get into it with her - so I sent her to the bedroom of t he kids who were in our bed and she went. I didn't like the sound of what happened, but also wasn't feeling as though I had gotten the full story.
In the morning it was pretty much business as usual. Kids soccer, other daughter needed to go to the doctor, etc. She could probably tell that I was still in a state of shock and she reiterated that it was just goofy drunk stuff. I asked about the husband and she said he was still at the party across the street.
Well, as it turns out, in casual conversation I learned from the neighbor who was having the party that everyone had left between 1 - 1:30 AM - including the husband of the woman my wife got together with. I knew then, that there was more to this story. That night I was out with a friend celebrating his birthday and by the time I got home she was fast asleep. The next day I decided that I wouldn't bring it up before the kids were in bed so I went out all day. Watched some football with one of the other men in our group.
Last night after the kids went to bed I still wasn't sure I wanted to bring it up but she asked me what's wrong. She wanted to talk about it, I could tell. I asked about the husband and she again said he wasn't there, when I told her about the fact that I had discovered that the timing didn't add up and pressed her about where he was, she admitted that he was there, but he was making sure none of their kids came in - outside of the room. I pressed her telling her that I know how she gets when she's drunk (no inhibitions) and that it didn't seem logical that this guy just sat outside the room, all the while being just as drunk as the two ladies. She told me that she and this man, whom I consider a close, very good friend, had made out for a while and then he left and closed the door for his wife and mine to have their own fun. I pressed even further and as of now, according to her, that's the end of the story. She's very apologetic, she knows that what happened is wrong. It's not what we want to base our relationship on. She would die with out me, etc. I told her that she is the shining jewel in my life and that I can't share like that.
I am no prude. We have kissed other people before, even been naked with other people at the same time (mostly me, at my wife's urging) - but we were together - and much younger. I know I'd get turned on in a situation together like that again - her with another woman (not the guy thing).
But this seems so different to me. I feel betrayed, lied to, confused, you name it. I am still not even sure that I got the full story, nor do I feel like I can get her to tell me more. Even more, I'm not sure I want/need to know more. I also feel trapped. What I mean by that is that I really have no options when it comes to who to talk to. I don't want people that we know to know about this. She's not a ****. She is not a liar. All of my friends are friends with her, so I really can't talk to any of them. My family doesn't need to know. So I'm here for some advice.
I have no intention of separating myself from her and my family. I don't love her any less. I just need to know how to get past this? Is it just a time thing? I keep thinking it will pass but last night I was awake half the night and the images that my mind is coming up with - even if the story is just as she has said - jolts me like an electric shock. Will the movies in my head stop? Or will this just be something I have to deal with from now on? What happens next time she's going to their house? What about when I'm out of town?
My heart hurts and I think it's mostly because I now have reason not to trust her when before it was never even an afterthought. Should I just let it go? Should I just become the orgy guy? (Seinfeld reference!) What is my next step? Any and all advice is welcome.
Thanks.
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