One year ago was my d-day. I don't want to write about that though. I want to write something though. So this is it. My WW needs to get out of my head completely. I've been working on forgiveness. Nothing I would ever say to her as I will no long speak to her period but for me. Clear out that space in my heart and get it ready for new growth. Forgive myself. It's ok that those things happened to you. It's ok. You'll push through it.
I'm going to write about me being the OM. The first time I ever did this. And I did this deliberately. I did it on purpose. Sorry. Sorry BH. I know you and I'm sorry. I was sick. I shook your hand. The OM shook my hand too. I'm sorry.
I will post the second time at a later date.
First one. I was 32 and she was 39. Married 4 years. Getting super baby hungry.
A month after d-day one of my WW's friends contacted me on facebook. Wanted to warn me that my WW was online getting tips to lie to the police to get me forced in-patient or arrested. She nearly succeeded. Her and I started talking. Every day. Every single day. I was desperate for attention and distraction and just someone who would listen to me vent and rant and rage. She was that person.
I met her 14 years ago with WW. We know each other. She was invited to my wedding. We know our past and many secrets. I used to talk to her on the phone a few times a week. I watched from the sidelines while she got married and divorced to a man I knew. Now she was with some guy she met from okcupid online dating. Five years together. Two years married.
I wanted some kind of physical affection to fill up that void I had from my WW being gone. To be my WW for me. I talked her into taking a train and coming to see me.
She and her BH had been going through a dead bedroom time. They fought about it constantly. He would rage and she would pull away. By the time she was coming to see me they had agreed that he could pick up other women from bars and such and he would call her if he was bringing someone home. While he was out doing whatever, maybe at a bar, she was at home talking to me. I was the OM. Twice he called her and told her to go to a motel. She did. She chatted with me and two other guys she knows the entire night. She doesn't think he actually brought anyone home. Who knows?
I know what to look for now and she was chatting with all of us in secret and hiding it hard. I'm well equipped to be a cheater after a year on this board.
She came and visited. I told her that she could sleep in my bed and I would sleep on the floor. Of course this didn't happen. Things got physical almost immediately. In my brain I wasn't really there. I was just watching my body be there. I was probably posting here while all this happened. At least reading this place.
In the end we both slept in my bed. Naked. Her body was pressed against mine during the night and I quite literally laid there and pretended she was my WW and that nothing bad had ever happened. It made me feel just a tiny bit better. That reality wasn't real. I could just pretend with my eyes closed. That I was back and my family was whole and complete. We never had sex but was it an affair? Had I tried harder, had I been that broken, had I been that disturbed she would have been mine. I realize that. I know that.
It's been 10 months since she came out.
I spoke to her two days ago. We talk a few times a week. She sent me pics of her halloween costume and I sent her mine. Her BH was out of all of those pictures but on her facebook he was in them. I compare myself to him. I'm in way better shape, I have my hair, but he makes more money. After she rode the train back 1000 miles away I told her that we needed to redefine our relationship. That I was there to support her marriage and help her have an amazing relationship with BH. We had to have this discussion several times.
Before this I intentionally chased her. I complimented her at every opportunity. Told her she was beautiful. That she was a fairy. I sent her presents.
On her birthday I had flowers and a card delivered to her house. This was two months after she visited me. She freaked out bad. She was out of state at the time and I didn't know it. She was freaking out that BH would find them. Or one of his friends who was subletting that place. She called me and woke me up very early to get me to try to get someone to pick them up. I did try but it didn't work. BH was out of town as well staying in their second place. I'm not clear if they were together or not (physically in the same location) because she lied to me often about him. She doesn't know what happened to the flowers but he never said anything.
He did start to mate guard her hard. Now our conversations are restricted to certain times and he monitors them. I can tell when she wants to speak more openly. She contacts me through more hidden means instead of text messages. She fishes for compliments. Sends me selfies and new outfit pictures. New haircut.
He bought them a house. Really super nice place. I've seen it through the pictures she sends me. She will no longer speak to me about him or their relationship. Instead we talk about kids and running 5k's and coffee shops.
Moving ahead? I don't know what I'm going to do. Several times I've considered going no contact on her. But she is my second oldest friend. With 1000 miles between us and me being clear on our boundaries I think it's ok for us to be friends and nothing else. Certainly not going to invite her to take the train out to see me again.
If anyone has any questions I'm in a chatty mood and want to talk about infidelity. I'm still very confused about my WW but it's getting better. It's so much better. And I've been both the BH and the OM now. OM twice. It was sick. It is sick. I just wanted to know if I could do it. I desperately needed to know. To gain more knowledge. Such a selfish thing to do. I know. I've become so much more selfish. I really hate myself now.
Working my way back.
I'm going to write about me being the OM. The first time I ever did this. And I did this deliberately. I did it on purpose. Sorry. Sorry BH. I know you and I'm sorry. I was sick. I shook your hand. The OM shook my hand too. I'm sorry.
I will post the second time at a later date.
First one. I was 32 and she was 39. Married 4 years. Getting super baby hungry.
A month after d-day one of my WW's friends contacted me on facebook. Wanted to warn me that my WW was online getting tips to lie to the police to get me forced in-patient or arrested. She nearly succeeded. Her and I started talking. Every day. Every single day. I was desperate for attention and distraction and just someone who would listen to me vent and rant and rage. She was that person.
I met her 14 years ago with WW. We know each other. She was invited to my wedding. We know our past and many secrets. I used to talk to her on the phone a few times a week. I watched from the sidelines while she got married and divorced to a man I knew. Now she was with some guy she met from okcupid online dating. Five years together. Two years married.
I wanted some kind of physical affection to fill up that void I had from my WW being gone. To be my WW for me. I talked her into taking a train and coming to see me.
She and her BH had been going through a dead bedroom time. They fought about it constantly. He would rage and she would pull away. By the time she was coming to see me they had agreed that he could pick up other women from bars and such and he would call her if he was bringing someone home. While he was out doing whatever, maybe at a bar, she was at home talking to me. I was the OM. Twice he called her and told her to go to a motel. She did. She chatted with me and two other guys she knows the entire night. She doesn't think he actually brought anyone home. Who knows?
I know what to look for now and she was chatting with all of us in secret and hiding it hard. I'm well equipped to be a cheater after a year on this board.
She came and visited. I told her that she could sleep in my bed and I would sleep on the floor. Of course this didn't happen. Things got physical almost immediately. In my brain I wasn't really there. I was just watching my body be there. I was probably posting here while all this happened. At least reading this place.
In the end we both slept in my bed. Naked. Her body was pressed against mine during the night and I quite literally laid there and pretended she was my WW and that nothing bad had ever happened. It made me feel just a tiny bit better. That reality wasn't real. I could just pretend with my eyes closed. That I was back and my family was whole and complete. We never had sex but was it an affair? Had I tried harder, had I been that broken, had I been that disturbed she would have been mine. I realize that. I know that.
It's been 10 months since she came out.
I spoke to her two days ago. We talk a few times a week. She sent me pics of her halloween costume and I sent her mine. Her BH was out of all of those pictures but on her facebook he was in them. I compare myself to him. I'm in way better shape, I have my hair, but he makes more money. After she rode the train back 1000 miles away I told her that we needed to redefine our relationship. That I was there to support her marriage and help her have an amazing relationship with BH. We had to have this discussion several times.
Before this I intentionally chased her. I complimented her at every opportunity. Told her she was beautiful. That she was a fairy. I sent her presents.
On her birthday I had flowers and a card delivered to her house. This was two months after she visited me. She freaked out bad. She was out of state at the time and I didn't know it. She was freaking out that BH would find them. Or one of his friends who was subletting that place. She called me and woke me up very early to get me to try to get someone to pick them up. I did try but it didn't work. BH was out of town as well staying in their second place. I'm not clear if they were together or not (physically in the same location) because she lied to me often about him. She doesn't know what happened to the flowers but he never said anything.
He did start to mate guard her hard. Now our conversations are restricted to certain times and he monitors them. I can tell when she wants to speak more openly. She contacts me through more hidden means instead of text messages. She fishes for compliments. Sends me selfies and new outfit pictures. New haircut.
He bought them a house. Really super nice place. I've seen it through the pictures she sends me. She will no longer speak to me about him or their relationship. Instead we talk about kids and running 5k's and coffee shops.
Moving ahead? I don't know what I'm going to do. Several times I've considered going no contact on her. But she is my second oldest friend. With 1000 miles between us and me being clear on our boundaries I think it's ok for us to be friends and nothing else. Certainly not going to invite her to take the train out to see me again.
If anyone has any questions I'm in a chatty mood and want to talk about infidelity. I'm still very confused about my WW but it's getting better. It's so much better. And I've been both the BH and the OM now. OM twice. It was sick. It is sick. I just wanted to know if I could do it. I desperately needed to know. To gain more knowledge. Such a selfish thing to do. I know. I've become so much more selfish. I really hate myself now.
Working my way back.
Put the internet to work for you.
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