I'm new here, found this forum in a Google search and am hoping for some helpful advice, or at very least a sounding board to help me figure out what to do. I am feeling extremely frustrated.
I have been married to my husband for 8+ yrs, we have known each other for 16+ yrs. We were best friends long before we got married. He is my 3rd husband, I am his 1st wife. My 1st marriage was abusive, my 2nd marriage was like having an extra child. I was also in a LTR for 10 yrs that was emotionally and verbally abusive. Point is, I've been around the block a few times while hubby is new to marriage AND sex except with me.
We were both 36 when we got married. Hubby was a virgin until we got engaged. We had a wonderful sex life that was satisfying and complete for both of us. He was a natural and didn't mind experimenting within his personal limits. (he's turned off by the thought of anal, bondage, etc.) We were totally compatible sexually, and remain totally compatible in every other way. It is obvious to anyone who sees us together that we are still very much in love, still best friends, and spend as much time together as we possibly can, by choice.
About 2 yrs ago hubby began having erection issues and experiencing lower sex drive. We openly discuss most anything/everything so we agreed a trip to the dr was in order, where he was diagnosed with low T. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover T replacement therapy of any kind and we are not financially able to cover the $90/month cost of the supplement his dr prescribed. We have both searched the internet for homeopathic solutions and every bit of info either of us could find about low T and ways to deal with it.
Our end result, 2 yrs later, is still his low T level but now also a total loss of intimacy in our relationship. We still hold hands all the time, but kissing has been reduced to a peck on the lips, hugs don't last as long and are less frequent, and even the cuddling has decreased gradually. We live more like extremely compatible roommates. I have been reduced to relying on toys when alone because even seeing them makes him uncomfortable.
We have had a few discussions about the lack of intimacy. I have pointed out to him (gently) that there are other things we can still do so that my sexual needs are still met, but his response is always the same thing... he says he has no desire at all and he cannot do anything that feels "forced" because it feels unnatural to him. I can live with the lack of intercourse, and I have told him so, both gently and bluntly, repeatedly. My past with the abuse has somewhat numbed me sexually, so intercourse is not a "need" for me to feel fulfilled. Intimacy, however, is vital to my own self esteem and emotional/mental well being, and now I have none.
I am partially disabled and cannot drive, so I am home bound. My contact with people (in person) is extremely limited and infrequent except for hubby and since he works a lot of long hours I am left home alone with my pets and computer most of the time. I'm lonely and craving an intimate relationship with the man I love and I am at a loss for what to do anymore. Talking it out with him hasn't helped at all, he makes no effort to even try to use fingers, help when I use toys, etc. If he is in the room he will either leave or roll over and go to sleep. The passion, the kisses, the fondling, all things most people would consider "foreplay" are extinct in our relationship now. I don't even sleep in the nude anymore because if he rubs up against me in his sleep I get aroused and then he pushes me away. That kind of rejection became unbearable about a year ago, so I just started wearing clothing to bed, which helps prevent the sudden arousal. The extent of the affection I g et from him now is when he rolls over and puts his arm around me when he is sleeping.
I am entirely sympathetic to what he is going through. I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. We had talked about that too. What I am struggling with now is that I have accepted and done everything possible to not make him feel worse, but he is not returning the favor. If I attempt to touch him sexually in any way he giggles, reminds me it doesn't work, and then pulls away. I haven't given up but my frustration is growing to a point of my sitting here alone, in tears, more often than not. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, no desire to have a cyber affair... but toys by themselves do nothing more than the momentary orgasm and still leave me feeling empty and alone. I'm only 44 yrs old, in my sexual prime... and yet I feel like a 90 yr old woman with a roommate... and betrayed by the man I love. I know he loves me, not even a question about that, but his lack of trying to do anything at all to meet my needs while I do everything I can to meet his le aves me feeling betrayed. I don't like feeling this way. How can I find a happy medium for us if he refuses anything that has to do with intimacy and sex? I don't want it to be all about me, but he claims he is content as long as I'm not trying to initiate anything, so am feeling like it's all about him and I am being totally forgotten.
Help?
I have been married to my husband for 8+ yrs, we have known each other for 16+ yrs. We were best friends long before we got married. He is my 3rd husband, I am his 1st wife. My 1st marriage was abusive, my 2nd marriage was like having an extra child. I was also in a LTR for 10 yrs that was emotionally and verbally abusive. Point is, I've been around the block a few times while hubby is new to marriage AND sex except with me.
We were both 36 when we got married. Hubby was a virgin until we got engaged. We had a wonderful sex life that was satisfying and complete for both of us. He was a natural and didn't mind experimenting within his personal limits. (he's turned off by the thought of anal, bondage, etc.) We were totally compatible sexually, and remain totally compatible in every other way. It is obvious to anyone who sees us together that we are still very much in love, still best friends, and spend as much time together as we possibly can, by choice.
About 2 yrs ago hubby began having erection issues and experiencing lower sex drive. We openly discuss most anything/everything so we agreed a trip to the dr was in order, where he was diagnosed with low T. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover T replacement therapy of any kind and we are not financially able to cover the $90/month cost of the supplement his dr prescribed. We have both searched the internet for homeopathic solutions and every bit of info either of us could find about low T and ways to deal with it.
Our end result, 2 yrs later, is still his low T level but now also a total loss of intimacy in our relationship. We still hold hands all the time, but kissing has been reduced to a peck on the lips, hugs don't last as long and are less frequent, and even the cuddling has decreased gradually. We live more like extremely compatible roommates. I have been reduced to relying on toys when alone because even seeing them makes him uncomfortable.
We have had a few discussions about the lack of intimacy. I have pointed out to him (gently) that there are other things we can still do so that my sexual needs are still met, but his response is always the same thing... he says he has no desire at all and he cannot do anything that feels "forced" because it feels unnatural to him. I can live with the lack of intercourse, and I have told him so, both gently and bluntly, repeatedly. My past with the abuse has somewhat numbed me sexually, so intercourse is not a "need" for me to feel fulfilled. Intimacy, however, is vital to my own self esteem and emotional/mental well being, and now I have none.
I am partially disabled and cannot drive, so I am home bound. My contact with people (in person) is extremely limited and infrequent except for hubby and since he works a lot of long hours I am left home alone with my pets and computer most of the time. I'm lonely and craving an intimate relationship with the man I love and I am at a loss for what to do anymore. Talking it out with him hasn't helped at all, he makes no effort to even try to use fingers, help when I use toys, etc. If he is in the room he will either leave or roll over and go to sleep. The passion, the kisses, the fondling, all things most people would consider "foreplay" are extinct in our relationship now. I don't even sleep in the nude anymore because if he rubs up against me in his sleep I get aroused and then he pushes me away. That kind of rejection became unbearable about a year ago, so I just started wearing clothing to bed, which helps prevent the sudden arousal. The extent of the affection I g et from him now is when he rolls over and puts his arm around me when he is sleeping.
I am entirely sympathetic to what he is going through. I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. We had talked about that too. What I am struggling with now is that I have accepted and done everything possible to not make him feel worse, but he is not returning the favor. If I attempt to touch him sexually in any way he giggles, reminds me it doesn't work, and then pulls away. I haven't given up but my frustration is growing to a point of my sitting here alone, in tears, more often than not. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, no desire to have a cyber affair... but toys by themselves do nothing more than the momentary orgasm and still leave me feeling empty and alone. I'm only 44 yrs old, in my sexual prime... and yet I feel like a 90 yr old woman with a roommate... and betrayed by the man I love. I know he loves me, not even a question about that, but his lack of trying to do anything at all to meet my needs while I do everything I can to meet his le aves me feeling betrayed. I don't like feeling this way. How can I find a happy medium for us if he refuses anything that has to do with intimacy and sex? I don't want it to be all about me, but he claims he is content as long as I'm not trying to initiate anything, so am feeling like it's all about him and I am being totally forgotten.
Help?
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