I've been reading stories here for a while wondering if I could get some of the wonderful advice that I have read and others have received. Here is my story, sorry it's so long. I am 56 years old, married to my childhood sweetheart; we have one child who is 36 and one grandchild who is 13. They live in a suite in our house due to our daughter having serious health issues. They moved in with us 7 years ago when our daughter's marriage broke up.
I was bullied mercilessly by my siblings throughout my entire childhood and I left home as soon as I could to escape it. Every time we get together it is bad so I've tried to limit our time together. I have strained relationships with both of my siblings and both parents now. I've worked since I was 14 and all through my married life. I have experienced bullying in most of my jobs and jokingly call myself a 'bully magnet'. It really isn't a joke.
I had been suicidal in the past with a few attempts; one in particular was almost successful. Recovering from that attempt was difficult as I felt I couldn't even kill myself right. I chose life however and have tried to come to grips with my past, not too successfully. I have a best friend since grade 4 but recent events have turned us away from each other. I do have a few friends but don't really open up to them, keep to myself mostly. Seems that everyone I ever cared about has thrown me away, except the 'best friend' and my husband.
My relationship with my husband was rocky at first but we grew to have a great love for one another I felt. My husband has a difficult time communicating but tries hard. Early in our lives together there was a time when the best friend spent the night at our place and I went to work in the morning. After she left I was cleaning house and when I changed our bed I found her nightshirt in it. At the time I was shocked and dismayed. I thought there was only one way that could have happened but I reasoned these were the two people I loved most in the entire world. I didn't think she intended to take him away from me, that maybe she just wanted a taste so I didn't say anything to either of them and just put it out of my mind. Since then we have been involved in each other's lives, stood for each other at our weddings, went on vacations together, etc.
Fast forward 30 some years and we are living in a new city. I had a seasonal job for years but grew tired of living out of a suitcase for half the year so I went to college and improved my qualifications. I won a regular job with the employer I'd been with seasonally for 15 years. I'd had a breakdown the last days of my seasonal role and my doctor had diagnosed me with complex post traumatic stress disorder due to bullying. I had some counselling and changed jobs to get away from the bullies. Funny that when a person is bullied if you try to fight back for your rights, you are the one who is out of line, lol. The position wasn't in my field but the employer didn't hire regular employees unless they had some kind of post secondary education.
A year later I was accepted for a temp assignment in my field. I enjoyed this immensely, was a great fit for me and I was never bullied in this role. A permanent job came up but I had to relocate to accept the job. I didn't want to move at first but my husband convinced me to. I was in the new city living in a hotel for over a year alone, he visited me often and as soon as he could he took early retirement, sold our house and moved here with me.
We asked our daughter if she wanted to relocate as well and she did so we looked for a home that would fit us all. We had moved from an area with cheaper housing to an area that is way more expensive, about two times the cost so in order to get a home with a suite for the kids my husband had to get a job. It was not easy for him, older worker and all and he did find a job but it is straight night shift. So we bought a house and settled into our new home and city.
I should mention that our love life had started to decline about 10 years ago, coincidentally after we were married. We lived common law for 26 years and have been married for 10 years. I kind of joked that I had found a food that reduces a man's sex drive, it's called wedding cake but it really did disturb me. He had his testosterone checked and it was ok. He had other tests and except that he is carrying a bit too much weight he is generally healthy. He said he just didn't feel any desire. I felt that he wasn't into me as much as I had gained weight as well and as long as I have known him he has been disgusted with and not attracted to overweight women. After a while I stopped initiating things as I didn't want to pressure him and it was hard to accept the rejections. I totally regret that decision.
So things had been going sort of ok, getting used to our new city and jobs and trying to find time together. He is sleeping when I get up to go to work and he picks me up every day at lunch time, we go home for lunch except for Fridays when we go out to lunch at a cafe close to my workplace. We have about an hour from when I get off work and he has to go to work so we hired our daughter to make us dinner on weeknights. I am usually sleeping when he gets home after work. He doesn't really like his job, is a necessary evil I guess. There are many characters he works with and some are not very good employees. My husband has a very good work ethic and it bothers him when folk steal time from their employers. There is a woman he works with that he speaks highly of, she has a good worker and she is one of his best friends at work, they have fun and joke around lots.
I found out last October that they go for coffee every shift and lunch 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it is one or more of the crew and sometimes it is just them alone. They also text each other 5-10 times a week. This is not excessive, I know, except I didn't know anything about it and I hadn't met her. I was concerned that since we had a lack of intimacy in our lives that he may be looking outside our relationship for it. I didn't say much to him at the time except I didn't think it was right for him to go to lunch and coffee, they go the local Timmies, alone with her but his response was that sometimes she is the only one that wants to go so he wasn't going to stop. Besides he said, there was nothing going on between them. I begged to differ as I felt there was, they were Facebook friends, liked and commented on each other's posts, they texted, etc. I really thought there was something going on between them and when I told him why I thought that he said he could understand why I might think that way, but she was not his type and I had nothing to worry about. He said she confided in him that her husband said he didn't love her anymore and that her marriage is on the rocks. To me that says she is good to go! She asks his advice about issues she was having with her daughter, etc. What I decided to do at the time was to work on our marriage issues by re-introducing intimacy. He responded to my great relief. Then I sent her a friend request on Facebook, which she accepted right away, and I started inviting myself to their lunches. I upgraded to an iPhone and learned to text so we can keep in touch when he is at work. If he needs a best friend I want it to be me! When I finally met her it was like wow, she is gorgeous and fit and the way she looks at my husband and the way he looks at her scares me.
I went to my doctor because I was experiencing increasing extreme anxiety but I didn't want to take medication so I joined a program for PTSD called bounce back. It is helping a bit, I am trying to reduce my anxiety. Meanwhile last May there was an issue with the scheduling at their workplace that she felt he should have alerted her to and he felt she could have just looked on the schedule and they had a huge falling out. She blocked both of us on Facebook and became very cold to him at work. He was quite distraught at first then angry. I was pretty happy about it because she no longer texted him all the time and she didn't show up for lunch any more. He said she still comes for coffee and sits right beside him, can't figure that out. He doesn't go out alone with her anymore as far as I know.
I think they were having an emotional affair, although my husband totally denies that, and that some day they will reconcile and end up closer than before. When I was so worried about this I called my 'best friend' and asked her if he was easy to seduce. She was shocked and denied she'd had relations with him. She said she couldn't explain about the nightshirt but that she did not have sex with him, and I believe her. I also asked him and he said he was a drunk back them but thought if that had happened he would have remembered. I do believe them and am freaked out that I believed this for so long, actually I didn't even think about it until all this started happening.
Meanwhile I have tried to keep up the intimacy. I leave him love quotes on his keyboard every night and I text him as much as I can. I have been losing weight and trying to get fitter, unfortunately I have had some health issues lately. I get extremely anxious if she texts him, I unfortunately check phone records, but don't see texts as he deletes his texts daily. I told him that seems suspicious but he said it is like the conversation is over so clean up is in order. He feels I don't trust him and that may be true, I don't know how to get that trust back since he didn't tell me and doesn't tell me when she texts him now which is rare because of their falling out. I am having trust issues. Also quite a few years ago I fell into an ea with a co-worker, it is so subtle you don't even know it is happening. Thankfully I recognized I was getting too close with this individual and put a stop to it. I know how dangerous it can be to a marriage. He is mad at me again because she texted him a few times yesterdays and when I asked him he denied it but then I said I'd checked the phone records, haven't don't that for a while but I seem to have a radar when there is contact. I'm probably projecting my personal issues on him but I can't seem to stop.
You probably think I am a flake, I sure feel like one but if you have any advice I would sure love to hear it.
I was bullied mercilessly by my siblings throughout my entire childhood and I left home as soon as I could to escape it. Every time we get together it is bad so I've tried to limit our time together. I have strained relationships with both of my siblings and both parents now. I've worked since I was 14 and all through my married life. I have experienced bullying in most of my jobs and jokingly call myself a 'bully magnet'. It really isn't a joke.
I had been suicidal in the past with a few attempts; one in particular was almost successful. Recovering from that attempt was difficult as I felt I couldn't even kill myself right. I chose life however and have tried to come to grips with my past, not too successfully. I have a best friend since grade 4 but recent events have turned us away from each other. I do have a few friends but don't really open up to them, keep to myself mostly. Seems that everyone I ever cared about has thrown me away, except the 'best friend' and my husband.
My relationship with my husband was rocky at first but we grew to have a great love for one another I felt. My husband has a difficult time communicating but tries hard. Early in our lives together there was a time when the best friend spent the night at our place and I went to work in the morning. After she left I was cleaning house and when I changed our bed I found her nightshirt in it. At the time I was shocked and dismayed. I thought there was only one way that could have happened but I reasoned these were the two people I loved most in the entire world. I didn't think she intended to take him away from me, that maybe she just wanted a taste so I didn't say anything to either of them and just put it out of my mind. Since then we have been involved in each other's lives, stood for each other at our weddings, went on vacations together, etc.
Fast forward 30 some years and we are living in a new city. I had a seasonal job for years but grew tired of living out of a suitcase for half the year so I went to college and improved my qualifications. I won a regular job with the employer I'd been with seasonally for 15 years. I'd had a breakdown the last days of my seasonal role and my doctor had diagnosed me with complex post traumatic stress disorder due to bullying. I had some counselling and changed jobs to get away from the bullies. Funny that when a person is bullied if you try to fight back for your rights, you are the one who is out of line, lol. The position wasn't in my field but the employer didn't hire regular employees unless they had some kind of post secondary education.
A year later I was accepted for a temp assignment in my field. I enjoyed this immensely, was a great fit for me and I was never bullied in this role. A permanent job came up but I had to relocate to accept the job. I didn't want to move at first but my husband convinced me to. I was in the new city living in a hotel for over a year alone, he visited me often and as soon as he could he took early retirement, sold our house and moved here with me.
We asked our daughter if she wanted to relocate as well and she did so we looked for a home that would fit us all. We had moved from an area with cheaper housing to an area that is way more expensive, about two times the cost so in order to get a home with a suite for the kids my husband had to get a job. It was not easy for him, older worker and all and he did find a job but it is straight night shift. So we bought a house and settled into our new home and city.
I should mention that our love life had started to decline about 10 years ago, coincidentally after we were married. We lived common law for 26 years and have been married for 10 years. I kind of joked that I had found a food that reduces a man's sex drive, it's called wedding cake but it really did disturb me. He had his testosterone checked and it was ok. He had other tests and except that he is carrying a bit too much weight he is generally healthy. He said he just didn't feel any desire. I felt that he wasn't into me as much as I had gained weight as well and as long as I have known him he has been disgusted with and not attracted to overweight women. After a while I stopped initiating things as I didn't want to pressure him and it was hard to accept the rejections. I totally regret that decision.
So things had been going sort of ok, getting used to our new city and jobs and trying to find time together. He is sleeping when I get up to go to work and he picks me up every day at lunch time, we go home for lunch except for Fridays when we go out to lunch at a cafe close to my workplace. We have about an hour from when I get off work and he has to go to work so we hired our daughter to make us dinner on weeknights. I am usually sleeping when he gets home after work. He doesn't really like his job, is a necessary evil I guess. There are many characters he works with and some are not very good employees. My husband has a very good work ethic and it bothers him when folk steal time from their employers. There is a woman he works with that he speaks highly of, she has a good worker and she is one of his best friends at work, they have fun and joke around lots.
I found out last October that they go for coffee every shift and lunch 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it is one or more of the crew and sometimes it is just them alone. They also text each other 5-10 times a week. This is not excessive, I know, except I didn't know anything about it and I hadn't met her. I was concerned that since we had a lack of intimacy in our lives that he may be looking outside our relationship for it. I didn't say much to him at the time except I didn't think it was right for him to go to lunch and coffee, they go the local Timmies, alone with her but his response was that sometimes she is the only one that wants to go so he wasn't going to stop. Besides he said, there was nothing going on between them. I begged to differ as I felt there was, they were Facebook friends, liked and commented on each other's posts, they texted, etc. I really thought there was something going on between them and when I told him why I thought that he said he could understand why I might think that way, but she was not his type and I had nothing to worry about. He said she confided in him that her husband said he didn't love her anymore and that her marriage is on the rocks. To me that says she is good to go! She asks his advice about issues she was having with her daughter, etc. What I decided to do at the time was to work on our marriage issues by re-introducing intimacy. He responded to my great relief. Then I sent her a friend request on Facebook, which she accepted right away, and I started inviting myself to their lunches. I upgraded to an iPhone and learned to text so we can keep in touch when he is at work. If he needs a best friend I want it to be me! When I finally met her it was like wow, she is gorgeous and fit and the way she looks at my husband and the way he looks at her scares me.
I went to my doctor because I was experiencing increasing extreme anxiety but I didn't want to take medication so I joined a program for PTSD called bounce back. It is helping a bit, I am trying to reduce my anxiety. Meanwhile last May there was an issue with the scheduling at their workplace that she felt he should have alerted her to and he felt she could have just looked on the schedule and they had a huge falling out. She blocked both of us on Facebook and became very cold to him at work. He was quite distraught at first then angry. I was pretty happy about it because she no longer texted him all the time and she didn't show up for lunch any more. He said she still comes for coffee and sits right beside him, can't figure that out. He doesn't go out alone with her anymore as far as I know.
I think they were having an emotional affair, although my husband totally denies that, and that some day they will reconcile and end up closer than before. When I was so worried about this I called my 'best friend' and asked her if he was easy to seduce. She was shocked and denied she'd had relations with him. She said she couldn't explain about the nightshirt but that she did not have sex with him, and I believe her. I also asked him and he said he was a drunk back them but thought if that had happened he would have remembered. I do believe them and am freaked out that I believed this for so long, actually I didn't even think about it until all this started happening.
Meanwhile I have tried to keep up the intimacy. I leave him love quotes on his keyboard every night and I text him as much as I can. I have been losing weight and trying to get fitter, unfortunately I have had some health issues lately. I get extremely anxious if she texts him, I unfortunately check phone records, but don't see texts as he deletes his texts daily. I told him that seems suspicious but he said it is like the conversation is over so clean up is in order. He feels I don't trust him and that may be true, I don't know how to get that trust back since he didn't tell me and doesn't tell me when she texts him now which is rare because of their falling out. I am having trust issues. Also quite a few years ago I fell into an ea with a co-worker, it is so subtle you don't even know it is happening. Thankfully I recognized I was getting too close with this individual and put a stop to it. I know how dangerous it can be to a marriage. He is mad at me again because she texted him a few times yesterdays and when I asked him he denied it but then I said I'd checked the phone records, haven't don't that for a while but I seem to have a radar when there is contact. I'm probably projecting my personal issues on him but I can't seem to stop.
You probably think I am a flake, I sure feel like one but if you have any advice I would sure love to hear it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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