Hi everybody,
I'm a girl, 21 y.o, still a virgin, had only one boyfriend (the so-called relationship lasted 2 months, and that was 3 years ago....). It's not like I don't have friends, or male friends, for that matter, but I really, really wouldn't have sex with any of them. The moment a male becomes a friend to me, he immediately becomes a non-sexual being in my eyes :(
I've had a couple of major crushes. The last one was for 2 years - it all started with my stupid belief that my attraction to a certain guy was mutual (because he was really nice to me, and then I thought that, maybe, for the first time, my feelings would be reciprocal - in all honesty, I started dating the previous guy, not because I was that attracted to him, but because he was really insistent and I felt that I should give him a chance, and shouldn't judge just by his looks. Well, turned out that the looks weren't the problem, the complete lack of chemistry between us was) .
Yeah, the story sounds really pathetic so far. I shall continue nevertheless.
So, it seems like I fit the classical description of the fearful-avoidant type. I am usually against classifications but, for the purposes of describing my situation in the most concise way to strangers, I think this explanation should do. I want to have close, intimate relationships. Yet, whenever any possibility for such relationships arise, I back off. Worse yet, I start seeing the guy as extremely unattractive, even borderline creepy for keeping in touch with me. Even if I had been attracted to him, the moment that he starts showing attention is the moment when all that prior attraction evaporates. I'm also extremely sensitive to rejection. The above-mentioned guy, the one with whom I thought something could have happened, rejected me, not straightaway though, which kept on spinning my head, and all this time, 2 freaking years, I have been hooked on him, and I've been trying to prove to him that I AM good enough for his love. (Guess who is the creep in this scenario....)< br />
Of course, I know all of this is BS. My rational self is telling me that it is pointless to try to prove yourself to someone like that, and that the only person I need to impress, as well as the one who should be my primary motivator to be a better person, should be myself. I know that if I want to find love, I need to face my fear of it. Thing is, it is not just fear - it is the utter horror when I discover that I feel zero attraction to the person who likes me (and whom I liked too, right until he showed some interest). This feels like a terrible burden. I'm afraid that people like me don't meet anyone, and even if they do meet someone, supposedly awesome by society standards, they'll push him away.
My question: has any of you been through anything similar? Does it go away with time? How do you manage your relationships when your feelings are so conflicted?
P.S. I'm terrible at flirting - I get so embarrassed, and I just don't know what to say. It
feels beyond uncomfortable. Curiously, all of my friends think I'm a social butterfly.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment