So - learning about these.
As i am absolutely dealing with these in ever increasing frequency.
In fact, I have dealt with these for many many years.
Chalked it up to HIGH emotions of my wife.
BUT - in recent years these have gotten more frequent and far more vile.
Being a "Mr.nice guy"...and having been raised in a situation that makes me a codependent expert practitioner...my default behavor was to such INTO the fire. Try and calm, rationalize, solve, explain, fix...and the MOST worse of all...take ON the blame...and apologize.
So you can imagine the reinforcement that I had set up for this behavior.
SO - here is the question.
I have read on the tools- how to attempt to stop MY role in this circle/cycle.
My worry is - i have gleaned that in her life she ALWAYS found someone to join in this circle. It is almost as though she NEEDS this person to exterminate burst AT.
Our marriage is rocky. My want/goal ...is to KEEP it.
I worry that if i stop being in the vicinity of these bursts - she may in fact find someone else that will/can be.
Has anyone had any experience with successfully ending the cylce of conflict WITHOUT losing their SO in the process?
It does seem as though if done right - and the BPD finds the ability ot calm down/and at least a small amount of self sooth...things can get far better in the marriage.
But I also read they RESIST that largely at first.
Has anyone had a successful experience in doing this - and can they help with tips and showcase failures?
Thank you
As i am absolutely dealing with these in ever increasing frequency.
In fact, I have dealt with these for many many years.
Chalked it up to HIGH emotions of my wife.
BUT - in recent years these have gotten more frequent and far more vile.
Being a "Mr.nice guy"...and having been raised in a situation that makes me a codependent expert practitioner...my default behavor was to such INTO the fire. Try and calm, rationalize, solve, explain, fix...and the MOST worse of all...take ON the blame...and apologize.
So you can imagine the reinforcement that I had set up for this behavior.
SO - here is the question.
I have read on the tools- how to attempt to stop MY role in this circle/cycle.
My worry is - i have gleaned that in her life she ALWAYS found someone to join in this circle. It is almost as though she NEEDS this person to exterminate burst AT.
Our marriage is rocky. My want/goal ...is to KEEP it.
I worry that if i stop being in the vicinity of these bursts - she may in fact find someone else that will/can be.
Has anyone had any experience with successfully ending the cylce of conflict WITHOUT losing their SO in the process?
It does seem as though if done right - and the BPD finds the ability ot calm down/and at least a small amount of self sooth...things can get far better in the marriage.
But I also read they RESIST that largely at first.
Has anyone had a successful experience in doing this - and can they help with tips and showcase failures?
Thank you
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