Hey everyone, I've been lurking around for about a week desperately trying to gleam any and all advice from the fantastic folks in this community.
I am currently at a crossroads in this crazy part of my life (sorry for the length):
About a month ago, my wife (married for 10 months, together for 5 years) came to me upset, I needed to be more aggressive sexually. She was not feeling sexually desired and she was "fed up".
Over the course of a few weeks I attempt to "chase" my wife, grabbing her from behind in the kitchen, kissing her neck, etc. Always the same result: she pulls away from me. During the course of this time she also acts strangely nice to me, saying we should watch *my* kind of movies, we should put on the hockey game (things we rarely did during *couple* time).
A week ago, she does the *pull away* from me thing 1 too many times, and I get mad. I tell her to sleep on the couch if she's going to be like this, etc. She says she's been in a weird "mood" lately and needs time to "think". She leaves to sleep at a hotel.
She ends up coming home 3 days later, and tells me "she loves me but doesn't think she's in love with me". I'm in shock, simply don't understand. I want to fix everything, I clean the house, I buy her flowers (you know the story...).
But a thought is nagging in my mind: she has a guy friend at work... a guy friend she's gone skating with. Has something been developing there? She's always had guy friends, and been on coffee dates with them, and I've never had a reason to not trust her. Low and behold, I look at her phone when she's distracted...
Messages from him. She's telling him they have to stop their relationship. He's acting all mussy, talking about how hard it will be to "never kiss her again". Hand shaking, I drop the phone back on the table. I start pacing, what did I just read? I take a picture of the evidence, and yell at her, asking if "she has anything to tell me?", she acts like I'm crazy, and I just leave.
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I stay at a motel, book a therapist appointment, and email her telling her that I have evidence that there's an inappropriate relationship between her and her workmate, and I'm gone until she explains whats going on.
------
That brings us to today:
We meet at the therapists office, first time seeing her in 4 days, she reveals:
- Emotional affair with man from work
- When she left for the hotel, she invited him out for dinner, drank wine and kissed him (the one time, no other physical contact has ever happened)
- When asked how she feels: "apathetic" she says
- When asked if she regrets it: "no"
- When I tell her she's betrayed me, and did something morally wrong, she fights back.
- She brings up lack of sex in our relationship, as if that excuses it
- Lots of blame and deflection
- She says she doesn't know if she even wants to repair the marriage at this point
--------
All sorts of emotions are running through me. I am absolutely outraged at her lack of understanding, and lack of remorse. Why should I fight to save a marriage with someone seemingly so uncaring?
Another side of me says she's not herself, she needs time, I shouldn't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.
I would love to hear feedback from women and men who've experienced similar circumstances. I plan to implement the 180, if I do return home (tentatively tomorrow) I am making plans to spend as little time around her as possible.
She agreed to return to the therapist with me in a week's time.
I am currently at a crossroads in this crazy part of my life (sorry for the length):
About a month ago, my wife (married for 10 months, together for 5 years) came to me upset, I needed to be more aggressive sexually. She was not feeling sexually desired and she was "fed up".
Over the course of a few weeks I attempt to "chase" my wife, grabbing her from behind in the kitchen, kissing her neck, etc. Always the same result: she pulls away from me. During the course of this time she also acts strangely nice to me, saying we should watch *my* kind of movies, we should put on the hockey game (things we rarely did during *couple* time).
A week ago, she does the *pull away* from me thing 1 too many times, and I get mad. I tell her to sleep on the couch if she's going to be like this, etc. She says she's been in a weird "mood" lately and needs time to "think". She leaves to sleep at a hotel.
She ends up coming home 3 days later, and tells me "she loves me but doesn't think she's in love with me". I'm in shock, simply don't understand. I want to fix everything, I clean the house, I buy her flowers (you know the story...).
But a thought is nagging in my mind: she has a guy friend at work... a guy friend she's gone skating with. Has something been developing there? She's always had guy friends, and been on coffee dates with them, and I've never had a reason to not trust her. Low and behold, I look at her phone when she's distracted...
Messages from him. She's telling him they have to stop their relationship. He's acting all mussy, talking about how hard it will be to "never kiss her again". Hand shaking, I drop the phone back on the table. I start pacing, what did I just read? I take a picture of the evidence, and yell at her, asking if "she has anything to tell me?", she acts like I'm crazy, and I just leave.
------
I stay at a motel, book a therapist appointment, and email her telling her that I have evidence that there's an inappropriate relationship between her and her workmate, and I'm gone until she explains whats going on.
------
That brings us to today:
We meet at the therapists office, first time seeing her in 4 days, she reveals:
- Emotional affair with man from work
- When she left for the hotel, she invited him out for dinner, drank wine and kissed him (the one time, no other physical contact has ever happened)
- When asked how she feels: "apathetic" she says
- When asked if she regrets it: "no"
- When I tell her she's betrayed me, and did something morally wrong, she fights back.
- She brings up lack of sex in our relationship, as if that excuses it
- Lots of blame and deflection
- She says she doesn't know if she even wants to repair the marriage at this point
--------
All sorts of emotions are running through me. I am absolutely outraged at her lack of understanding, and lack of remorse. Why should I fight to save a marriage with someone seemingly so uncaring?
Another side of me says she's not herself, she needs time, I shouldn't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.
I would love to hear feedback from women and men who've experienced similar circumstances. I plan to implement the 180, if I do return home (tentatively tomorrow) I am making plans to spend as little time around her as possible.
She agreed to return to the therapist with me in a week's time.
Put the internet to work for you.
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