My wife and I have been separated for 6 weeks. The plan was to have a "date" at the 6 week mark. That was yesterday. Instead, she came to the house and told me that she's decided that we can't be together anymore... not what I wanted at all. I suspected it was coming, but I died inside anyway. I was graceful about it, and kept my dignity. I told her that it's not what I want, but that I love her enough to let her go. There were many tears on both sides. She also said that she has a small dream that maybe we'll meet again in a few years and we'll both be different people, and it will work out. I told her that as tempting as that is, I can't hold on to that shred of hope and still be able to heal.
Now I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. The truth is that this whole thing just seems so tragic to me. This is not the end I predicted for our 7 years of marriage, and 12 years together. We got along great 95% of the time. We almost never fought, we have many shared interests, traveled to incredible places, made a good "team", and seem to want similar things in life. Neither of us suffer addictions and we're both responsible. I find her beautiful and love her deeply. There were issues, but basically, I was very happy with her.
One problem is that she suffers major depression, ptsd, had a rotten childhood, and suffered some unusual sexual abuse before I knew her. It was a few years after I married her that she was officially diagnosed with these things. She's very high functioning, but it was a struggle for her to get them under control, and while she's made great strides, I secretly think that she's not as improved as she thinks she is.
Her reasons for leaving are that she feels alone, invalidated, and emotionally neglected/borderline abused. That's a very serious accusation, and when she told me, I was utterly shocked. She also thinks I find her unattractive, and that I don't like her personality. I did my best to be a stable platform for her to work on her mental issues. I dealt with a lot of twisted thinking, suicidal breakdowns, sexual challenges from her medications on top of an already tricky, somewhat intimidating sexuality. It was tremendously difficult for her, but also difficult for me. I know I wasn't perfect. She would sometimes get greatly upset by something most would see as thoughtless, but generally innocent behavior. When this happened, and she confided in me, I would usually take the tact of trying to rationalize the thought by gently getting her to see the other person's side. I realize now, this was the wrong approach. She interpreted my response as taking any side but hers, dismissing her feelings, and as me acting superior. She now thinks I have no emotions because I failed to validate hers. I see that now, but it's too late. That's the tragedy. It's an easy change of approach, but now she no longer trusts me. She thinks I can't change, yet, in this regard, I already have.
Of course there are other issues, but this seems to be the big one for her. The one that broke her heart. The other issues seem similarly easy to change... not that they wouldn't take work, or that I could implement all the changes perfectly right away, but none of the issues seem insurmountable to me. They do to her. She wonders, if they are so easy to fix, why didn't I fix them before. I don't have a good answer for that, other than I just didn't understand how serious it was for her, and so I didn't put in the effort to figure things out.
She's already consulted a lawyer for advice on dividing assets. She originally said that she plans to file for divorce right after the holidays, but then softened that very slightly to "reevaluate after the holidays". I know she's very upset by all this. She stopped by this evening to drop off some cat medications, and she was visibly shaking. I asked about that, and she said "that's par for the course for the last few weeks". She's still saying "I love you", and "I will always love you". Either way, she feels that she can't continue to improve her mental health with me. She thinks my personality traits are what's holding her back, and she thinks I have my own issues. She hasn't told me what she thinks those are. The therapist that I've been seeing seems to think it's all relationship stress, depression fallout and a bit of social anxiety.
I said I wouldn't hold on to that shred of hope, but it's sooo alluring. I wish I knew what to do. She seems resolute in her decision. I see a lot of similarities between my case and other threads here, but I'm worried that the general advice that's commonly given here might have to be modified due to the abnormal psychology in play. Then again, maybe I'm just holding on. This is by far the most painful thing I've ever gone through, and I don't know what to do. If it makes any difference, I'm 41 and she's 37.
Thanks all!
Now I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. The truth is that this whole thing just seems so tragic to me. This is not the end I predicted for our 7 years of marriage, and 12 years together. We got along great 95% of the time. We almost never fought, we have many shared interests, traveled to incredible places, made a good "team", and seem to want similar things in life. Neither of us suffer addictions and we're both responsible. I find her beautiful and love her deeply. There were issues, but basically, I was very happy with her.
One problem is that she suffers major depression, ptsd, had a rotten childhood, and suffered some unusual sexual abuse before I knew her. It was a few years after I married her that she was officially diagnosed with these things. She's very high functioning, but it was a struggle for her to get them under control, and while she's made great strides, I secretly think that she's not as improved as she thinks she is.
Her reasons for leaving are that she feels alone, invalidated, and emotionally neglected/borderline abused. That's a very serious accusation, and when she told me, I was utterly shocked. She also thinks I find her unattractive, and that I don't like her personality. I did my best to be a stable platform for her to work on her mental issues. I dealt with a lot of twisted thinking, suicidal breakdowns, sexual challenges from her medications on top of an already tricky, somewhat intimidating sexuality. It was tremendously difficult for her, but also difficult for me. I know I wasn't perfect. She would sometimes get greatly upset by something most would see as thoughtless, but generally innocent behavior. When this happened, and she confided in me, I would usually take the tact of trying to rationalize the thought by gently getting her to see the other person's side. I realize now, this was the wrong approach. She interpreted my response as taking any side but hers, dismissing her feelings, and as me acting superior. She now thinks I have no emotions because I failed to validate hers. I see that now, but it's too late. That's the tragedy. It's an easy change of approach, but now she no longer trusts me. She thinks I can't change, yet, in this regard, I already have.
Of course there are other issues, but this seems to be the big one for her. The one that broke her heart. The other issues seem similarly easy to change... not that they wouldn't take work, or that I could implement all the changes perfectly right away, but none of the issues seem insurmountable to me. They do to her. She wonders, if they are so easy to fix, why didn't I fix them before. I don't have a good answer for that, other than I just didn't understand how serious it was for her, and so I didn't put in the effort to figure things out.
She's already consulted a lawyer for advice on dividing assets. She originally said that she plans to file for divorce right after the holidays, but then softened that very slightly to "reevaluate after the holidays". I know she's very upset by all this. She stopped by this evening to drop off some cat medications, and she was visibly shaking. I asked about that, and she said "that's par for the course for the last few weeks". She's still saying "I love you", and "I will always love you". Either way, she feels that she can't continue to improve her mental health with me. She thinks my personality traits are what's holding her back, and she thinks I have my own issues. She hasn't told me what she thinks those are. The therapist that I've been seeing seems to think it's all relationship stress, depression fallout and a bit of social anxiety.
I said I wouldn't hold on to that shred of hope, but it's sooo alluring. I wish I knew what to do. She seems resolute in her decision. I see a lot of similarities between my case and other threads here, but I'm worried that the general advice that's commonly given here might have to be modified due to the abnormal psychology in play. Then again, maybe I'm just holding on. This is by far the most painful thing I've ever gone through, and I don't know what to do. If it makes any difference, I'm 41 and she's 37.
Thanks all!
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