Someone on reddit suggested I share my story here, and that I would probably get some good advice. I always find it helpful to write this stuff down, so here goes!
My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together for about 9 years, married for 5. We have a wonderful son who's just about 3.
About 5 months ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for almost a year, with a co-worker (he works in a different division of the same large company -- it's a fluke they met and don't have to interact professionally). They were acquaintances before she went on mat leave and when she came back she began an emotional affair with him, which later become a full-fledged affair.
Shortly after she went back to work, she told me that she was unhappy and that maybe we should "take a break". I was sad and suggested that we work on it instead. After being extremely passive aggressive with me on father's day, she told me she was still really unhappy. I suggested marriage counselling. We tried that, the counsellor wasn't very good and she didn't want to go back, but also didn't have any interest in trying someone else.
At some point in here I suggested that she talk to her doctor about depression, because she seemed depressed, and a lot of her behaviour was consistent with post-partum. She also hated her job, was jealous of my career, was bullying, and constantly feeling sick (headaches mostly).
Shortly after that, her affair started. Meanwhile I was trying everything I could think of to improve things. She'd make some efforts but it was clear she was holding back.
She said she needed breaks from our son, and fair enough I understand that. I would arrange to spend weekends with him and take him to visit relatives once in a while, or even just to go out on an evening with friends. These would mostly become opportunities for her to carry on the affair.
I found out 5 months ago, was devastated but suggested that we try counselling again. She agreed, saying that she was extremely messed up, didn't know what she was doing, and was terrified of losing me, her best friend.
The other man is several years younger than me, in a band, and irresponsible about his work (has gotten in trouble for being late).
We started couples and individual counselling, but she couldn't bring herself to even say she wanted to save our marriage. She won't wear her wedding ring (which she stopped wearing because she went running at lunch with her affair partner, the idea being she didn't want to lose it, and now says "it just feels uncomfortable" … yeah, right). Aside from going to individual counselling, she does nothing (no journalling, meditating, reading books, talking about things with me or anyone) despite recognizing that she has really bad self-esteem and self-image problems. Her kisses are pecks, there has been no sex since D-day, and I initiate any kind of physical affection, even hand holding, a hug, etc. She has been very protective of things like email after I discovered the affair by reading her texts (and when called on this by our counsellor seemed to have not considered how her protectiveness would make me feel).
For her the problem is, she says, that I pressured her into having a child. I did (I said "I don't want to break up over this"), when she had cold feet after previously wanting 4 kids, insisting we move to the suburbs, buy a house, etc, all so that we could be in a good school district, and have a nice yard for a family.
After about 4 months of individual and couples counselling and not really making much progress, she said she wanted to live on her own for a few months. She started crying when I talked about making it a formal separation, saying it was just a way of working on our relationship.
At first she wanted to move out, but instead we got an apartment and take turns spending time at the house with our son versus at the apartment. I didn't want our son bouncing back and forth unnecessarily.
So that's where we are, a few days into this trial separation. During that time she has sent me several emails and initiated chats over text, as if nothing was different.
I know from her browser history that she has spent time within the past couple of weeks looking at the twitter feed of the other man's band, and also at the Facebook page of the other man's long-time girlfriend.
I've come to realize that
- I was worried about feeling ashamed about breaking up
- I was worried that I wouldn't find someone as attractive as she is (she was always cute as hell but has lost a lot of weight in the past two years)
But now I know that I don't need to be afraid about either of those things, that I don't need her, and that if she can't get herself together, it will be better to be rid of her, for both me and my son.
Having said that, if she can get herself together and we can fix this, and I mean really fix it, then I would prefer that.
Yesterday someone on another forum suggested I consider pulling a 180 with her. I'm definitely at the point of focusing on myself and letting go. I've worked so hard on trying to fix things, help her, control her, and caretake her problems, but I'm done with all that.
That was really long. Thanks if you read it all.
My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together for about 9 years, married for 5. We have a wonderful son who's just about 3.
About 5 months ago I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for almost a year, with a co-worker (he works in a different division of the same large company -- it's a fluke they met and don't have to interact professionally). They were acquaintances before she went on mat leave and when she came back she began an emotional affair with him, which later become a full-fledged affair.
Shortly after she went back to work, she told me that she was unhappy and that maybe we should "take a break". I was sad and suggested that we work on it instead. After being extremely passive aggressive with me on father's day, she told me she was still really unhappy. I suggested marriage counselling. We tried that, the counsellor wasn't very good and she didn't want to go back, but also didn't have any interest in trying someone else.
At some point in here I suggested that she talk to her doctor about depression, because she seemed depressed, and a lot of her behaviour was consistent with post-partum. She also hated her job, was jealous of my career, was bullying, and constantly feeling sick (headaches mostly).
Shortly after that, her affair started. Meanwhile I was trying everything I could think of to improve things. She'd make some efforts but it was clear she was holding back.
She said she needed breaks from our son, and fair enough I understand that. I would arrange to spend weekends with him and take him to visit relatives once in a while, or even just to go out on an evening with friends. These would mostly become opportunities for her to carry on the affair.
I found out 5 months ago, was devastated but suggested that we try counselling again. She agreed, saying that she was extremely messed up, didn't know what she was doing, and was terrified of losing me, her best friend.
The other man is several years younger than me, in a band, and irresponsible about his work (has gotten in trouble for being late).
We started couples and individual counselling, but she couldn't bring herself to even say she wanted to save our marriage. She won't wear her wedding ring (which she stopped wearing because she went running at lunch with her affair partner, the idea being she didn't want to lose it, and now says "it just feels uncomfortable" … yeah, right). Aside from going to individual counselling, she does nothing (no journalling, meditating, reading books, talking about things with me or anyone) despite recognizing that she has really bad self-esteem and self-image problems. Her kisses are pecks, there has been no sex since D-day, and I initiate any kind of physical affection, even hand holding, a hug, etc. She has been very protective of things like email after I discovered the affair by reading her texts (and when called on this by our counsellor seemed to have not considered how her protectiveness would make me feel).
For her the problem is, she says, that I pressured her into having a child. I did (I said "I don't want to break up over this"), when she had cold feet after previously wanting 4 kids, insisting we move to the suburbs, buy a house, etc, all so that we could be in a good school district, and have a nice yard for a family.
After about 4 months of individual and couples counselling and not really making much progress, she said she wanted to live on her own for a few months. She started crying when I talked about making it a formal separation, saying it was just a way of working on our relationship.
At first she wanted to move out, but instead we got an apartment and take turns spending time at the house with our son versus at the apartment. I didn't want our son bouncing back and forth unnecessarily.
So that's where we are, a few days into this trial separation. During that time she has sent me several emails and initiated chats over text, as if nothing was different.
I know from her browser history that she has spent time within the past couple of weeks looking at the twitter feed of the other man's band, and also at the Facebook page of the other man's long-time girlfriend.
I've come to realize that
- I was worried about feeling ashamed about breaking up
- I was worried that I wouldn't find someone as attractive as she is (she was always cute as hell but has lost a lot of weight in the past two years)
But now I know that I don't need to be afraid about either of those things, that I don't need her, and that if she can't get herself together, it will be better to be rid of her, for both me and my son.
Having said that, if she can get herself together and we can fix this, and I mean really fix it, then I would prefer that.
Yesterday someone on another forum suggested I consider pulling a 180 with her. I'm definitely at the point of focusing on myself and letting go. I've worked so hard on trying to fix things, help her, control her, and caretake her problems, but I'm done with all that.
That was really long. Thanks if you read it all.
Put the internet to work for you.
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