We just celebrated our 5th anniversary which means we've been together 9 years total.
As time goes on, we both grow and change...its a natural process of getting older, right?
Part of that process though, at least for me, is becoming more aware of what I want and need in life to be happy. Things that I either overlooked, or was simply ignorant to when younger. Things that maybe weren't so important back then but now I feel I don't really want to spend the rest of my life without.
The problem I have is that my husband and I both struggle with asking for change from the other. For example, the whole love languages thing. I know that hes a physical touch/sex person...which is dead bottom on my list. I am an emotional connection person, I need talk to feel connected...which is dead bottom on his list.
It was this way when we got together so it's not like this is something new. I have never been touchy feely since day one and while he did used to talk to me a lot more, overall he's always been a quiet person who would prefer to be left alone than forced to talk about his day.
So how do you balance asking for what you want with knowing that your spouse is basically forcing themselves to do it when they don't really want to?
I try to be more affectionate for his sake but deep down he knows I would really rather sit on the other side of the couch because I enjoy my personal space. I ask him to talk to me about his day or try to coax him into conversation (I have told him this is one of my needs but I dont think he really gets it)...even so when he plays along and answers my questions its apparent they are forced and all enjoyment is lost.
I guess its like duty sex...I want you to WANT to do it.
The rational part of my brain knows we are two different people and that I should celebrate his trying just like he should celebrate mine. The emotional side of my brain gets hurt knowing I am asking him to go way outside of his comfort zone and essentially asking him to change who he is, which I have always fundamentally thought was wrong.
For years I have tried to ignore this part of myself and told myself over and over again that I chose him as he is, I should focus on all the good things he does and all the wonderful parts of our marraige and forget about the rest. But time passes and no matter how much I try to bury it, its still a glaring problem. Although he wont discuss it with me, I would venture to guess that he probably feels the same way about me.
Just curious how other people have handled this and if you struggle with the same mental wrestling that I do. Is it a normal part of marraige to expect your spouse to mould to meet your ever evolving needs?
As time goes on, we both grow and change...its a natural process of getting older, right?
Part of that process though, at least for me, is becoming more aware of what I want and need in life to be happy. Things that I either overlooked, or was simply ignorant to when younger. Things that maybe weren't so important back then but now I feel I don't really want to spend the rest of my life without.
The problem I have is that my husband and I both struggle with asking for change from the other. For example, the whole love languages thing. I know that hes a physical touch/sex person...which is dead bottom on my list. I am an emotional connection person, I need talk to feel connected...which is dead bottom on his list.
It was this way when we got together so it's not like this is something new. I have never been touchy feely since day one and while he did used to talk to me a lot more, overall he's always been a quiet person who would prefer to be left alone than forced to talk about his day.
So how do you balance asking for what you want with knowing that your spouse is basically forcing themselves to do it when they don't really want to?
I try to be more affectionate for his sake but deep down he knows I would really rather sit on the other side of the couch because I enjoy my personal space. I ask him to talk to me about his day or try to coax him into conversation (I have told him this is one of my needs but I dont think he really gets it)...even so when he plays along and answers my questions its apparent they are forced and all enjoyment is lost.
I guess its like duty sex...I want you to WANT to do it.
The rational part of my brain knows we are two different people and that I should celebrate his trying just like he should celebrate mine. The emotional side of my brain gets hurt knowing I am asking him to go way outside of his comfort zone and essentially asking him to change who he is, which I have always fundamentally thought was wrong.
For years I have tried to ignore this part of myself and told myself over and over again that I chose him as he is, I should focus on all the good things he does and all the wonderful parts of our marraige and forget about the rest. But time passes and no matter how much I try to bury it, its still a glaring problem. Although he wont discuss it with me, I would venture to guess that he probably feels the same way about me.
Just curious how other people have handled this and if you struggle with the same mental wrestling that I do. Is it a normal part of marraige to expect your spouse to mould to meet your ever evolving needs?
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