I'm not "in love" anymore

I have never been one to tell complete strangers about my life, but I am so lost and sad that I am not sure what else to do. I know that I could be judged for this but at this point I have nothing left to lose. A guess a good place to start would be at the beginning. I met my husband when I was 15 (13 years ago.) We have been together as a couple since I was 16. He was my first real love. We dated throughout high school. After we graduated, we moved in together. We got engaged after living together for about 3 years. We got married a little over 5 years ago. We have no children but that's because neither of us want them, not due to any problems or just one of our wants. Over the years we have had our ups and downs. We hardly ever argue anymore, but we have had some pretty bad ones in the past. We basically grew up together. My husband is not a bad guy. He is a great person. I have a very deep love and respect for him that I know will never go away. He is my best friend. Sadly, this is how I think of him. Not as my lover, but as my friend. Which confuses me more since we do still have sex. We have a pretty active sex life in fact, but the entire time, I am thinking of something else or someone else (no one in particular, just normal random fantasies.) I have no idea what changed in the last year and a half, as that was when I first noticed the problem. I am not coming here as my first step on getting advice on what to do. We have spoken with a counselor in the past year (my husband was not fond of this idea, so we did quit after 5 sessions.) We have started doing date nights. We have started doing fun things together randomly like we used to. We have had open discussions about how I am feeling and how he feels about it. None of these things have helped me fall back "in love" with him. He is still in love with me. I do not question that. I am also his first everything. Girlfriend, love, kiss, sex... all of it. He has told me that if we divorce, that he does not think that we could be friends. He could not sit back and watch me fall in love with someone else. He could not see me lead a life that does include him in the way that he wants included. Now, to the really messed up part. And here is where I can be judged. I started an emotional affair with a friend about 5 months ago. It started as an actual friendship and was just that for 4 years. Then I started getting sadder and sadder about not loving my husband that way he should be loved. Then I started telling my friend about it. Then something happened (really I am unclear on what occurred to have my emotions and feelings for my friend change so extremely) and I realized that I fell in love with my friend instead of falling back in love with my husband. And as if I need to prove how bad of a person I actually am at this point, I then told my friend and initiated a physical affair. This was all my doing. I knew I shouldn't. I have no idea why I did. Now, I am in love with the wrong guy and have messed up any chance (probably) I had at fixing my marriage (my husband may have eventually got over a physical affair, but he will never get over me falling in love with someone else if he finds out.) I am prepared to end the affair with my friend. I would do that in an instant if I thought I could fall back in love with my husband. I also know that I do not want to leave my husband for my friend. I would never do that to anyone as important to me as my husband is. I get that some of you at this point are probably mad that I am saying that my husband is important to me while sneaking off to sleep with someone else occasionally, but he really is important to me. I have no idea what to do. My husband is my best friend, but that is all that he is anymore. A best friend with benefits would be a good term. Do any of you have any suggestions? Is there anything that you can think of that I haven't mentioned trying to save this marriage? If not, is there any way that I can end my marriage and have hope that he and I will still be friends? I will never tell him that I am cheating on him. I do not want to damage him for any future relationships. My friend is not in love with me and I know if I get divorced, him and I will not get together. My friend is also not the reason that I am asking this, so please, I don't need any of that advice. Honestly, my husband deserves to be happy and loved completely and I am heartbroken that I can no longer feel that way towards him. I promised to love him forever, and I will uphold that promise. I just somehow lost the "in love" part along the way. Thanks to anyone who read this story, offers advice, or even opinions.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979