You can see my previous posts for background. Sorry for the length. Have any of you been in a similar relationship? What worked? What didn't?
Issue: I made reservations for his kids and us for a birthday dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. Usually I cook over here but our oven is broken. I originally was going to make it a surprise dinner but since he doesn't like surprises, I told him on Friday after he seemed bummed on his birthday. He thanked me and said it would be nice.
48 hours later, he asks me what we are doing today and I told him let's take it easy until his dinner tonight Today when he hears about the dinner he then tells me that he told his kids that he didn't want to do anything for his and their birthdays in Oct. as we are going on a family cruise next month. When I asked him why, as his wife, he didn't share this info with me at the same time he started to get angry. Mentioned that he didn't want to debate with me because I'm a better debater.
When he stormed off into our room, I finally called him on it and asked him if he was going to run off and act like a three year old (usually I'm silent).
Usually when he returns from being away, I tell him that people who love one another must learn to work through conflict even if one says, I know we need to talk but right now, I need space and will talk when I get back.
We go to his business to pick up my car so I can one to use. On the way there I try to talk to him after about 10 minutes of silence. I try to tell him that I'm not trying to argue, if we are physically intimate as his wife, I also want emotional intimacy.
I gave the example of two weeks ago when he and his brother drove to see his parents for an important discussion. (He didn't even tell me about the trip at first, my sister-in-law told me. He only admitted it to me when I asked him what our plans for that day was). My brother-in-law called his wife after the discussion to tell her how the discussion went. My husband didn't. That hurt because I see how it can be. Three hours later, my husband calls me and asks me to drive >30 miles to pick them up as their car broke down. I told him that the first example is communication of people who are in a marriage that is a partnership. The second communication is from someone who sees his wife is only worthy to call when something is needed.
I admit I raised my voice because I he turned up the radio volume and was trying to tell me that I was guilty by setting up the dinner first without asking him but I'm a better debater and can manipulate the situation. I apologized and said he was right; however, I did tell him before the actual event. The next thing he said was that he doesn't like to talk or share with me because I'm manipulative. That hurts and it tells me that this thinking is a barrier for our ever getting emotionally intimate.
My response: "I'm sorry that your mother and your ex-wife manipulated you but it's been over 13 years and I'm tired for paying for this.
His response: to pull the car over and walk away. I didn't stop him. When he said something about he needed to walk anyways, I told him "You don't need a wife, you just need a prostitute" (there is history there--he wants to swing and I don't ).
This time, I'm not feeling needy. This time, I have a short term plan for my actions. I want a week apart. I will not help out in any way. While I cannot change him, two things I need from him if we are to stay together for the long haul are 1) communication (regular and during conflict) and 2) emotional intimacy.
Your thoughts?
Issue: I made reservations for his kids and us for a birthday dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. Usually I cook over here but our oven is broken. I originally was going to make it a surprise dinner but since he doesn't like surprises, I told him on Friday after he seemed bummed on his birthday. He thanked me and said it would be nice.
48 hours later, he asks me what we are doing today and I told him let's take it easy until his dinner tonight Today when he hears about the dinner he then tells me that he told his kids that he didn't want to do anything for his and their birthdays in Oct. as we are going on a family cruise next month. When I asked him why, as his wife, he didn't share this info with me at the same time he started to get angry. Mentioned that he didn't want to debate with me because I'm a better debater.
When he stormed off into our room, I finally called him on it and asked him if he was going to run off and act like a three year old (usually I'm silent).
Usually when he returns from being away, I tell him that people who love one another must learn to work through conflict even if one says, I know we need to talk but right now, I need space and will talk when I get back.
We go to his business to pick up my car so I can one to use. On the way there I try to talk to him after about 10 minutes of silence. I try to tell him that I'm not trying to argue, if we are physically intimate as his wife, I also want emotional intimacy.
I gave the example of two weeks ago when he and his brother drove to see his parents for an important discussion. (He didn't even tell me about the trip at first, my sister-in-law told me. He only admitted it to me when I asked him what our plans for that day was). My brother-in-law called his wife after the discussion to tell her how the discussion went. My husband didn't. That hurt because I see how it can be. Three hours later, my husband calls me and asks me to drive >30 miles to pick them up as their car broke down. I told him that the first example is communication of people who are in a marriage that is a partnership. The second communication is from someone who sees his wife is only worthy to call when something is needed.
I admit I raised my voice because I he turned up the radio volume and was trying to tell me that I was guilty by setting up the dinner first without asking him but I'm a better debater and can manipulate the situation. I apologized and said he was right; however, I did tell him before the actual event. The next thing he said was that he doesn't like to talk or share with me because I'm manipulative. That hurts and it tells me that this thinking is a barrier for our ever getting emotionally intimate.
My response: "I'm sorry that your mother and your ex-wife manipulated you but it's been over 13 years and I'm tired for paying for this.
His response: to pull the car over and walk away. I didn't stop him. When he said something about he needed to walk anyways, I told him "You don't need a wife, you just need a prostitute" (there is history there--he wants to swing and I don't ).
This time, I'm not feeling needy. This time, I have a short term plan for my actions. I want a week apart. I will not help out in any way. While I cannot change him, two things I need from him if we are to stay together for the long haul are 1) communication (regular and during conflict) and 2) emotional intimacy.
Your thoughts?
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