Attending Funerals

Hello everyone. I have an issue which involves the death of my mother, my family and my ex-wife. My mother is in a home due to alzheimer's, cancer, age and the inability of anyone to help her in their home. She was admitted, if memory serves me, two days after my ex left me. She is now nearing death. I am not healed from the separation and divorce. I have serious anxiety even at the mention of my ex-wife by family members. I know that my ex-wife has been to see my mother at the home. I have been fortunate enough to be elsewhere when she visits. I am concerned that she will be attending my mother's funeral. I will not be able to handle this emotionally. I know this. Previously, I have discussed this with one of my siblings who at least has a working relationship with my two older brothers. You see, my separation and divorce has affected my relationship with my entire family in a negative manner. I have recently found that my brother, who has power of attorney, makes the decisions about who will visit my mother and who if anyone will take her for an outing. I assumed this to be so and have never tried to go against his wishes. I have not taken my mother out of the home in quite a long time; over a year in fact. Many times, I have told the sibling I speak with sporadically that I do not want my ex-wife attending the funeral. I was met with agreement and understanding. I have recently discovered that my ex-wife will most likely be attending and that after all this time, I should be over it. I agree that it would be best if I was over the separation and divorce. My issue is, I have to deal with reality. Reality for me is this. I am not okay with my ex-wife attending my mother's funeral. I have told my sibling this and stated in the past that I would not be attending if my ex-wife is there. I believe it would only harm my already fragile recovery which seems to be a life-long venture. I do not know how this would be advantageous except to show how "sweet" a person my ex-wife really is. My ex-wife and I did not visit my family much while we were married. However, my family did dig themselves deep into the separation and divorce. They lovingly acted as if they were helping me, but actually were helping my ex-wife to break away. I believe this is a violation of my boundaries and I cannot go back. A betrayal by family members is just not forgivable. I believe it is better for me to stay away from the funeral in the interests of protecting myself and being respectful of my mother. How is that respectful of my mother? I will not feel the need to throw the dirt bags out or have someone else do it for me, which could lead to the sibling with the power of attorney overriding my request. That would be another in a long line of betrayals. I don't want to be a part of that. I do know the best thing would be to just forgive, forget, move on, live and let live, etc. It is not possible. I have stated this many times. I believe I have never been taken seriously and I am putting my foot down here and now. Opinions? Comments? Thoughts about consequences? Thoughts about how I might relate this to my siblings? I thought a heartfelt letter copied and sent to my siblings would be the appropriate response. They don't have to like it. I only have to be "decent" with my language, respecting them as human beings. Should I send one to my ex-wife, also? Should I send them return receipt requested? I appreciate your thoughts and responses. Thank you.

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