Have his lies over addiction killed us?

Sorry this is so long... My husband and I got married 2 years ago, although we have been together for 6. When we first met, I discovered a bag of needles in his room and said I would leave but he convinced me to stay as he wasn't using any more and this had been the wakeup call he had needed, so I did as I trusted his word. But told him if he ever slipped uo again I would leave. About 8 months ago, I walked into the bathroom of our house and found him with a needle in his arm. I was so shocked that I slapped him, i threatened to call the police (which he begged me not too) then i took his wallet and phone so he could'nt get more and told him to go stay in our spare room, which he did. He realised he had stuffed up badly and didnt even try to justify it. The next morning we cried together and talked about what would happen, I told him I wanted to leave but if he undertook some rehab classes and got us councelling we could try to make it work because i loved him and actually felt party responsible for this "relapse" I though i hadnt given him enough love, or sex or attention. That same morning he admittd to me he had used drugs about 7 times in the past while we were together, most of those occasions I had felt something wasnt right but he had gotten so angry with me and been so adament that I always ended up feel really guilty for accusing him "wrongl y", so that was a shock. He went to see a rehap councellor 3 times over 3 weeks then stopped as he said it wasnt helping. Then, 3 months and 11 days ago, I saw the bathroom light on late at night and popped my head in, this time I found him with a whole bag of needles, spoons, lighters and blood filled used needles. I saw red and felt so sick, grabbed the bag, expecting him to admit defeat again and slink away like a naughty puppy. But as soon as I grabbed the bag he yelled at me, "thats mine!" I cried out through my tears while holding the bag "you dont need to do this, your going to loose everything, i dont want you to get hurt, or killed because i love you too much!" But he flipped out and dove at me for the bag, I ended up on the bathroom floor, with him on top of me fighting for the bag. I wanted to do everything i could to stop this from happening again so i tried to bend all the needles in the bag so they would brake and not work but i wasnt strong enough and just as i got them to bend in half he took his free arm and put it around my neck to make me let go. My voice went all funny and I remember saying "please, look what your doing to me, you love me" then I stated seeing colours and i could here my heart beating in my ears so i let go. He snatched up all his goodies and took off out the door. I got up and yelled for help (our housmate wasnt home but i didnt know that) and took off out the door behind him to try to stop him. I called a friend (the housemate) and when he saw my scratches and scrapes i told him what had happened. I was worried My hisband would see this as the final straw and shoot up all of what he had and die. I wanted to call the police to help find him but my friend told me itd be pointless. So after about an hour of driving around looking for him in alleys and things i went home and tried to call his mom to tell her her son might not be around the next day. I went to bed with an old tshirt of his, breathing in his scent because i genuinly didnt expect to see him alive again. I cried all night. Since that horrible night things have gone from bad to worse. He went to NA for 2 classes but quit becasue it made him uncomfortable. He has had 3 months and 11 days to find us a councellor so we can get an opinion on if it can be salvaged or not and nothing has happened (well, he found out the cost and it stopped there - even though i offered to pay for MY sake at least.) but last night we got in an argument about him going to martial arts every night ( well, 5 nights a week - not sunday or thursday) he got mad and said "but its what i enjoy doing!" as if that should be more importaint than our marriage. He also said i was just trying to controll him. He admits the drugs have almost ruined us but wont man up and fix what he has done. Whenever I reach boiling point and demand somehting has to change, he pretty much just agrees with me, like "YOU think YOU'VE had enough - well I have, too" like he has no empathy. I think I know what I need to do (just from reading what ive typed here) But i need to feel like i still have value and i feel like ive deminished my value so much in this relationship that im starting to believe there is something wrong with ME... Im reaching out to someone, anyone, that can help me through this. I havent told anyone but the housemate what happened and even he doesnt know about the choking. I dont want to burden my friends and family with this and i (for some reason) dont want to damage my hubbys reputation. I just want to feel like I have worth again. I feel like if i could handle the betrayal, i would just go have an affair to hurt him back but im not a vindictive person, and something in me still loves him. I dont want to change who i am to stoop to that level. Please help! I used to like who i am but now i just feel taken for granted. I feel like im not a good person anymore. If a drug addict doesnt even want me, who will? Never thought ide be Unloved@25 Thankyou so much for letting me get that out - I can breath again now.

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