Hey ya'll,
First is I have no idea why there is a smiley face for this post. I didn't not mean to out that there.
I never thought I was the cheating type but I guess there really aren't different levels of cheating (besides emotional and physical). You can't sort of cheat. That being said my long time girlfriend recently found out that a year ago I was on a dating website and she devastated. I understand her pain, but am having a difficult time coping with her reaction.
The story goes: after two years of dating and seven month of living together my girlfriend found out I was hiding some of my masturbation habits from her. I'd rather not get to I depth, but let's say they are unconventional. I had told her about them when we first starting dating but gave off the vibe that it was in my past. She was great and accepted me. It was the first time I had been honest and told someone upfront about it. She confronted me about it a year in to our relationship asking if I was still doing it but I lied and said I still wasn't doing it. Two years in she confronted me again this time with proof. She found out I was still doing by going through my computer. She was understandably very hurt and confused. She eventually moved out although we still saw each other and did a lot of things together, including her going to one of my family events. It was pretty clear two both of us were weren't broken up or on a break. We just lived separately.
That's not to say we were happy. There was a lot of uncertainty and crying. I felt like crap both that I hurt her and I felt I was being judged for not being 'normal'. After three months of living apart though she agreed to move back in and we started working on the relationship.
Right before she moved out and for a month after that I joined a dating website. I exchanged messages with several girls, a few frequently. I never got any phone numbers or met up with anyone although there was talk about meeting for drinks. I was completely dedicated to trying to fix my relationship with my girlfriend (or so I convinced myself at the time) and I only joined because I wanted attention. I realize it is creepy and pathetic but my girlfriend had said some pretty hurtful things during our fights and my self esteem was pretty low. I never thought my girlfriend was talking to other guys though and I was never planning on taking the conversations any father than the website. After six weeks I shut the account down. She moved back in a little later and we started working on the relationship.
At the time I didn't consider it an emotional affair because there wasn't a lot of indepth communication. It was mostly just flirting and a little bit of biographical information The kind of stuff that would be done normally over a drink at bar with the cute stranger you randomly start talking to but never see again after you leave the bar. I didn't do the typical 'hey girl' online dating message or just ask for hookups. I know everyone will say that you only go on a site like that looking for something but to be honest even when I had the chance to meet up with a girl I would tell them I wasn't emotionally available and wasn't ready to meet up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'm out of town on a business trip and she went thru my laptop again and found out about the account. To be honest I have no idea how. I thought I deleted all the emails. She managed to reactivate the account and log in. She was able to read all the messages and compare who I was messaging and when with what her and I were doing in real life.
She has told me she is moving out and that we are done. She is devastated. She said she can't trust me and all she wanted was for me to be honest and open with her. I didn't even remember the site. I guess if I did remember though I wouldn't have told her though as to me I felt nothing happened as I didn't meet up or sext or anything and would wanted to spare her feelings and mine. I realize I would be equally upset if I found out she did this but I don't think I would breakup with her.
I guess though my issue is I am not understanding the seriousness of what I did or even why I did it. I know what I did is wrong. I'm not trying to justify it but part of me wants to tell her that it was hurt if and made a mistake. I only sort of cheated. I don't want to say she is over reacting and even thinking that makes me feel like I'm a scumbag. I don't want to be the 'it was only a kiss' type of guy. Plus I don't even understand why I did it in the first place. If I was trying to work on our relationship why would I go be a creeper on a dating website just for attention? With my last long term girlfriend when we took a break I started going to parties and talking to other girls right away. I seem to always have to have the next thing lined up. I definitely realize I have a lot of maturing to do to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I just don't want to lose her because I made a dumb choice.
J
First is I have no idea why there is a smiley face for this post. I didn't not mean to out that there.
I never thought I was the cheating type but I guess there really aren't different levels of cheating (besides emotional and physical). You can't sort of cheat. That being said my long time girlfriend recently found out that a year ago I was on a dating website and she devastated. I understand her pain, but am having a difficult time coping with her reaction.
The story goes: after two years of dating and seven month of living together my girlfriend found out I was hiding some of my masturbation habits from her. I'd rather not get to I depth, but let's say they are unconventional. I had told her about them when we first starting dating but gave off the vibe that it was in my past. She was great and accepted me. It was the first time I had been honest and told someone upfront about it. She confronted me about it a year in to our relationship asking if I was still doing it but I lied and said I still wasn't doing it. Two years in she confronted me again this time with proof. She found out I was still doing by going through my computer. She was understandably very hurt and confused. She eventually moved out although we still saw each other and did a lot of things together, including her going to one of my family events. It was pretty clear two both of us were weren't broken up or on a break. We just lived separately.
That's not to say we were happy. There was a lot of uncertainty and crying. I felt like crap both that I hurt her and I felt I was being judged for not being 'normal'. After three months of living apart though she agreed to move back in and we started working on the relationship.
Right before she moved out and for a month after that I joined a dating website. I exchanged messages with several girls, a few frequently. I never got any phone numbers or met up with anyone although there was talk about meeting for drinks. I was completely dedicated to trying to fix my relationship with my girlfriend (or so I convinced myself at the time) and I only joined because I wanted attention. I realize it is creepy and pathetic but my girlfriend had said some pretty hurtful things during our fights and my self esteem was pretty low. I never thought my girlfriend was talking to other guys though and I was never planning on taking the conversations any father than the website. After six weeks I shut the account down. She moved back in a little later and we started working on the relationship.
At the time I didn't consider it an emotional affair because there wasn't a lot of indepth communication. It was mostly just flirting and a little bit of biographical information The kind of stuff that would be done normally over a drink at bar with the cute stranger you randomly start talking to but never see again after you leave the bar. I didn't do the typical 'hey girl' online dating message or just ask for hookups. I know everyone will say that you only go on a site like that looking for something but to be honest even when I had the chance to meet up with a girl I would tell them I wasn't emotionally available and wasn't ready to meet up.
Fast forward to yesterday. I'm out of town on a business trip and she went thru my laptop again and found out about the account. To be honest I have no idea how. I thought I deleted all the emails. She managed to reactivate the account and log in. She was able to read all the messages and compare who I was messaging and when with what her and I were doing in real life.
She has told me she is moving out and that we are done. She is devastated. She said she can't trust me and all she wanted was for me to be honest and open with her. I didn't even remember the site. I guess if I did remember though I wouldn't have told her though as to me I felt nothing happened as I didn't meet up or sext or anything and would wanted to spare her feelings and mine. I realize I would be equally upset if I found out she did this but I don't think I would breakup with her.
I guess though my issue is I am not understanding the seriousness of what I did or even why I did it. I know what I did is wrong. I'm not trying to justify it but part of me wants to tell her that it was hurt if and made a mistake. I only sort of cheated. I don't want to say she is over reacting and even thinking that makes me feel like I'm a scumbag. I don't want to be the 'it was only a kiss' type of guy. Plus I don't even understand why I did it in the first place. If I was trying to work on our relationship why would I go be a creeper on a dating website just for attention? With my last long term girlfriend when we took a break I started going to parties and talking to other girls right away. I seem to always have to have the next thing lined up. I definitely realize I have a lot of maturing to do to be in a healthy and happy relationship. I just don't want to lose her because I made a dumb choice.
J
Put the internet to work for you.
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