I'll try and make this as brief as possible... but I do need some words of advice.
My husband and I met in High School, at the age of 16. We only dated each other, and had ups and downs of thoughts of separating, but never did. Got married at 24. Kids right away, and 4 children later, we have been together for almost 20 years.
When I hit my 30's, I started to change. Something was amiss I felt from our relationship, so I started soul searching, feelings, etc. With the realization that I had changed and my needs in a husband had changed, I decided to keep at it, even though I questioned a lot of things. After all, I loved him dearly, we had 4 kids to show for it, and a strong history of being together.
About a year ago, as I started to feel more positive about our marriage, my Husband hit that same spot as I did... (it took me almost 4 years to work through my conflicting emotions and thoughts). So as I was getting stronger with things, he started to question 'is this it'. It's been a year now he has had thoughts.
I know I lack in things he needs... ie. Passion, intimacy. And he lacks in things I need.. ie. he settles in life, I don't. He's not motivated, I am. etc. So there are differences... as I try to work through them (and I am sure he is trying too), we find ourselves at a crossroad.
We communicate wonderfully together, so well aware of how each other is feeling. We both feel we missed a part of 'growing up' and 'finding ourselves' because we've been together so long, and question 'are we right for one another'. We've definitely grown apart over the years, and have grown into completely different people, but stay connected .. just not in the way it should be, or at the 'level' it should be. Ie. We raise the kids well, but don't find interest in activities together. SO that 'connection' is amiss.
He puts a lot of pressure on me to be with him more.. and I work from home, raise the kids, etc. If I don't give him the time he needs, he starts to feel resentful and angry. Thus, I want to spend less time with him. (vicious cycle!) I understand that he wants to spend time with me, but it's a challenge most days. I feel extremely inadequate to him to satisfy his needs, and he told me he feels the same. It's crazy, because we both want the same thing, but can't seem to find it with each other.
I realize that relationships change, and that 20 years together is a lifetime for many, so that 'spark' may change. I do feel like ours is gone though...
Is there hope here from any who have experienced such a relationship together? Have we grown too differently over the years to be ok with one another? Should we have a trial separation?
Kids are young... I realize that shouldn't be a factor, but it is. And meeting each other in high school and having only each other I realize is not the most ideal..
The thoughts of divorce scares me, but I guess it does for most people. I don't want to give up, but feel we both deserve that happiness in life... and it's been a lot of misery lately. Make sense?
Thank you all.
My husband and I met in High School, at the age of 16. We only dated each other, and had ups and downs of thoughts of separating, but never did. Got married at 24. Kids right away, and 4 children later, we have been together for almost 20 years.
When I hit my 30's, I started to change. Something was amiss I felt from our relationship, so I started soul searching, feelings, etc. With the realization that I had changed and my needs in a husband had changed, I decided to keep at it, even though I questioned a lot of things. After all, I loved him dearly, we had 4 kids to show for it, and a strong history of being together.
About a year ago, as I started to feel more positive about our marriage, my Husband hit that same spot as I did... (it took me almost 4 years to work through my conflicting emotions and thoughts). So as I was getting stronger with things, he started to question 'is this it'. It's been a year now he has had thoughts.
I know I lack in things he needs... ie. Passion, intimacy. And he lacks in things I need.. ie. he settles in life, I don't. He's not motivated, I am. etc. So there are differences... as I try to work through them (and I am sure he is trying too), we find ourselves at a crossroad.
We communicate wonderfully together, so well aware of how each other is feeling. We both feel we missed a part of 'growing up' and 'finding ourselves' because we've been together so long, and question 'are we right for one another'. We've definitely grown apart over the years, and have grown into completely different people, but stay connected .. just not in the way it should be, or at the 'level' it should be. Ie. We raise the kids well, but don't find interest in activities together. SO that 'connection' is amiss.
He puts a lot of pressure on me to be with him more.. and I work from home, raise the kids, etc. If I don't give him the time he needs, he starts to feel resentful and angry. Thus, I want to spend less time with him. (vicious cycle!) I understand that he wants to spend time with me, but it's a challenge most days. I feel extremely inadequate to him to satisfy his needs, and he told me he feels the same. It's crazy, because we both want the same thing, but can't seem to find it with each other.
I realize that relationships change, and that 20 years together is a lifetime for many, so that 'spark' may change. I do feel like ours is gone though...
Is there hope here from any who have experienced such a relationship together? Have we grown too differently over the years to be ok with one another? Should we have a trial separation?
Kids are young... I realize that shouldn't be a factor, but it is. And meeting each other in high school and having only each other I realize is not the most ideal..
The thoughts of divorce scares me, but I guess it does for most people. I don't want to give up, but feel we both deserve that happiness in life... and it's been a lot of misery lately. Make sense?
Thank you all.
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