Hi everyone. I've been reading different threads on here for a few months, debating about posting my marital issues but haven't had to the courage to do so until now.
I am a full time student and I work part time. My husband works full time and is a part time student.
Long story short, my husband and I (late 20s) have been together for about a decade and married for just over one year. I was a strong believer in the "marriage doesn't change anything" philosophy, as we lived together for three years before we got married and the first seven months after the wedding felt exactly the same. Then we started having problems dealing with my in-laws constantly calling him to fix things at their place to the extent that it was taking a great amount of time away from us. Being the project oriented, Mr. Fix-it man that DH is, and I knew this going in, he would never turn them down. He has always helped his family in the past, and I was happy that he could, so they didn't have to spend extra money. But before he was able to maintain a balance between work, school, me and his family. Now it has become abundantly clear that they are and will always be his number one priority.
We have no children and plan to wait a few more years until we start trying. But I told him that if this pattern continues that I do not feel comfortable having children if he is going to be over at his parents house constantly, leaving me to tend to children all the time.
Over the past few months, I have done a good amount of soul searching and have reached the conclusion that while my husband is a brilliant, wonderful man who has helped me and continues to help me in practical ways, and whom I love immensely; he is extremely emotionally stunted and keeps himself busy with numerous projects either of his own choosing or his family's so he doesn't have to deal with any emotional issues. I have accepted this and also realized that the majority of my life I've been pretty emotionally self-reliant and resilient as well. But it would be nice to be able to share how I'm feeling with my husband and have him engaged and respond without hurtful sarcastic remarks or apathy. I have also discussed with him my emotional needs and we are working on this together but it is progressing very slowly.
My main question/topic I need advice on is the fact that I could deal with all of this more easily if we were not married and especially if I didn't take his last name. When we were engaged, I struggled for a long time about changing my name. He knew this but I don't think he quite understood it. To him, it was just what women do. To me it was a major life decision, not to taken lightly, to basically change how am I known to the world. I did change my name because I love him and he was/is my family now and knew how important it was to him. I put my faith in him. And for the first seven months, it was an adjustment but a happy one.
I feel so incredibly hurt that I am now his wife who shares his last name and I feel like I am essentially a roommate with benefits. Yes, he helps me with many practical things, which I am very grateful for, but he does the same for his friends and family. What differentiates me from everyone else in his life?
I am reminded of this constantly. Whenever I sign my name or introduce myself, it feels like I'm a different person who I don't even know. Before it was exciting and romantic because I actually felt like his wife and now it just feels like a boldfaced lie. Except its reality.
Thank you in advance for any advice or insight!!
I am a full time student and I work part time. My husband works full time and is a part time student.
Long story short, my husband and I (late 20s) have been together for about a decade and married for just over one year. I was a strong believer in the "marriage doesn't change anything" philosophy, as we lived together for three years before we got married and the first seven months after the wedding felt exactly the same. Then we started having problems dealing with my in-laws constantly calling him to fix things at their place to the extent that it was taking a great amount of time away from us. Being the project oriented, Mr. Fix-it man that DH is, and I knew this going in, he would never turn them down. He has always helped his family in the past, and I was happy that he could, so they didn't have to spend extra money. But before he was able to maintain a balance between work, school, me and his family. Now it has become abundantly clear that they are and will always be his number one priority.
We have no children and plan to wait a few more years until we start trying. But I told him that if this pattern continues that I do not feel comfortable having children if he is going to be over at his parents house constantly, leaving me to tend to children all the time.
Over the past few months, I have done a good amount of soul searching and have reached the conclusion that while my husband is a brilliant, wonderful man who has helped me and continues to help me in practical ways, and whom I love immensely; he is extremely emotionally stunted and keeps himself busy with numerous projects either of his own choosing or his family's so he doesn't have to deal with any emotional issues. I have accepted this and also realized that the majority of my life I've been pretty emotionally self-reliant and resilient as well. But it would be nice to be able to share how I'm feeling with my husband and have him engaged and respond without hurtful sarcastic remarks or apathy. I have also discussed with him my emotional needs and we are working on this together but it is progressing very slowly.
My main question/topic I need advice on is the fact that I could deal with all of this more easily if we were not married and especially if I didn't take his last name. When we were engaged, I struggled for a long time about changing my name. He knew this but I don't think he quite understood it. To him, it was just what women do. To me it was a major life decision, not to taken lightly, to basically change how am I known to the world. I did change my name because I love him and he was/is my family now and knew how important it was to him. I put my faith in him. And for the first seven months, it was an adjustment but a happy one.
I feel so incredibly hurt that I am now his wife who shares his last name and I feel like I am essentially a roommate with benefits. Yes, he helps me with many practical things, which I am very grateful for, but he does the same for his friends and family. What differentiates me from everyone else in his life?
I am reminded of this constantly. Whenever I sign my name or introduce myself, it feels like I'm a different person who I don't even know. Before it was exciting and romantic because I actually felt like his wife and now it just feels like a boldfaced lie. Except its reality.
Thank you in advance for any advice or insight!!
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