How do I move toward reconciliation when my husband is doing the 180?
Background: My H and I are two months into our (planned) 3 month trial separation. I asked for the separation. He fought it at first, begged and pleaded for me to stay, but when our arguments escalated and happened in front of our child, he finally agreed. He has done some version of the 180 and this was helpful to have this professional detachment in our interactions. Our 10 year old daughter stays with me almost full time at his request but they see each other a few hours at time when I have business meetings or IC.
He has stepped up in many of the ways I've asked.
• Long Term Unemployment. Before our separation, he had been unemployed for almost 8 years! We have recently launched a new business together that he was supposed to run, and after all the work to get it going, he wasn't showing up to do the work and this made me very upset and I felt hopeless about our future. My goal of separation was that he'd work there at least half of the week. To my delight, he is working there full time - taking it over entirely. This will free me to go back to my lucrative consulting work that had been on hold while launching the business.
• Untreated Depression: Another thing that has changed is he went on anti-depression medication soon before our separation (one of the reasons I think he wouldn't get a job, stating he'd be the house husband while I was the bread earner - an arrangement I never liked as he was depressed and not a great at keeping up the domestic side all of these years). So him on medication is good.
• Marriage Counseling. I've wanted it for years and he dragged his feet. Upon separation he found a counselor and made an appointment and we've gone every week during separation. He says he'll start IC too (which I'm in).
Things that are unchanged:
• Intimacy: he had withdrawn sexually years ago and puts all the blame on me. We were comparable body sizes when we got married (I was a size 12 as a bride) . I lost a little weight over the years (now a size 10) and he has lost a lot of weight and become a fitness/health nut during all these years he hasn't worked. So he wants me to be a size 6 before he'll have sex again. This seems kind of jerky to me. But if he isn't attracted to me, he isn't attracted to me. I'm losing weight now.
• Chronic pot smoker: to my knowledge this hasn't changed. My friends see him emerge from a cloud of smoke when they visit … uugh. One of my concerns was that the pot smoking is an escape and leaves him numb from really being present with my daughter and me. It is an unhealthy escape.
In terms of my personal work, I'm doing IC, I'm in a codependents anonymous group, and I'm working out and eating healthier. Might as well get thin whether it is for H or for my future (actually, I do want it to be for me). I've come clean about a (quasi) emotional affair I had. I felt very guilty about it and have shown my remorse many times. He says he wished I had slept with the OM instead of having an EA and that has always seemed like an odd response. Sometime he acts like my EA was no big deal, that I chose a ridiculous OM and other times my H wants to punch him and hurt him.
I miss my husband as my "soft place to fall" and now that I've been NC with the OM for 3 months, my affection for my husband and our 15 years together is coming back to me. But with him doing the 180, I don't know if he has kind and tender feelings for me anymore. During MC he just kinds of brags about how great he is doing. There is no vulnerability there (I suppose the point of the 180) so I don't know what happens next.
I'm getting to the point of thinking we should live under the same roof again to work on the marriage. I think our issues could be fixable.
Any advice on what to do next?
Background: My H and I are two months into our (planned) 3 month trial separation. I asked for the separation. He fought it at first, begged and pleaded for me to stay, but when our arguments escalated and happened in front of our child, he finally agreed. He has done some version of the 180 and this was helpful to have this professional detachment in our interactions. Our 10 year old daughter stays with me almost full time at his request but they see each other a few hours at time when I have business meetings or IC.
He has stepped up in many of the ways I've asked.
• Long Term Unemployment. Before our separation, he had been unemployed for almost 8 years! We have recently launched a new business together that he was supposed to run, and after all the work to get it going, he wasn't showing up to do the work and this made me very upset and I felt hopeless about our future. My goal of separation was that he'd work there at least half of the week. To my delight, he is working there full time - taking it over entirely. This will free me to go back to my lucrative consulting work that had been on hold while launching the business.
• Untreated Depression: Another thing that has changed is he went on anti-depression medication soon before our separation (one of the reasons I think he wouldn't get a job, stating he'd be the house husband while I was the bread earner - an arrangement I never liked as he was depressed and not a great at keeping up the domestic side all of these years). So him on medication is good.
• Marriage Counseling. I've wanted it for years and he dragged his feet. Upon separation he found a counselor and made an appointment and we've gone every week during separation. He says he'll start IC too (which I'm in).
Things that are unchanged:
• Intimacy: he had withdrawn sexually years ago and puts all the blame on me. We were comparable body sizes when we got married (I was a size 12 as a bride) . I lost a little weight over the years (now a size 10) and he has lost a lot of weight and become a fitness/health nut during all these years he hasn't worked. So he wants me to be a size 6 before he'll have sex again. This seems kind of jerky to me. But if he isn't attracted to me, he isn't attracted to me. I'm losing weight now.
• Chronic pot smoker: to my knowledge this hasn't changed. My friends see him emerge from a cloud of smoke when they visit … uugh. One of my concerns was that the pot smoking is an escape and leaves him numb from really being present with my daughter and me. It is an unhealthy escape.
In terms of my personal work, I'm doing IC, I'm in a codependents anonymous group, and I'm working out and eating healthier. Might as well get thin whether it is for H or for my future (actually, I do want it to be for me). I've come clean about a (quasi) emotional affair I had. I felt very guilty about it and have shown my remorse many times. He says he wished I had slept with the OM instead of having an EA and that has always seemed like an odd response. Sometime he acts like my EA was no big deal, that I chose a ridiculous OM and other times my H wants to punch him and hurt him.
I miss my husband as my "soft place to fall" and now that I've been NC with the OM for 3 months, my affection for my husband and our 15 years together is coming back to me. But with him doing the 180, I don't know if he has kind and tender feelings for me anymore. During MC he just kinds of brags about how great he is doing. There is no vulnerability there (I suppose the point of the 180) so I don't know what happens next.
I'm getting to the point of thinking we should live under the same roof again to work on the marriage. I think our issues could be fixable.
Any advice on what to do next?
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