Hello everybody, Well, a good place to start is by saying I'm new to the forum. I don't have many people in my life that I can turn to for advice, so a quick search landed me here. I'll stick around for a bit, get a feel for the place, and hopefully something good will erupt from our chatter. Thank you for listening. Ok, here we go..
I've been married to my wife for 5 of the 11 years we have been together. We're in our mid 30's now and the journey to get here wasn't easy. During my early 20's I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and from there stress and anxiety soon accompanied it. On top of that, you need to take into consideration that I come from a home that was always quarrelsome. My parents, albeit really really caring people individually, rarely expressed genuine warmth to each other. We didn't see much of my extended family, never made big family events or memories together, and communication was typically done through yelling. They are still married today but potentially seeking a divorce since they've self destructed so much that my father is a (functional) alcoholic and my mother has extreme OCD/depression.
When I met my future wife, I brought all that baggage with me. I was always sick, stressed or sad, and I turned a lot of that into anger. I developed trust issues and I was verbally abusive at times. I carried what was embedded in me from my upbringing. It put a lot of strain on us. But we always communicated about it, set milestones and did our best. I sought further medical treatments and therapy to help with my problems, bu that was rough too. I went through a handful of antidepressants before I could find one that didn't cause wicked side effects. I was never on balance. I would lose weight, gain weight, have a sex drive, have no sex drive, etc. That, plus the meds for my pain and anxiety - it was a nightmare. I never felt whole. I never felt human. Eventually, between finding the right doctor and the advancement in medicine, after a few years I was able to get a grasp on everything. I understand that I will always have problems, who doesn't, right? But I managed to climb my way out of those ones. I got stronger, the years carried on and things were great. We both scored good jobs, bought a house, killed our debt and tied the knot. My wife told me she had the real me back - the me that she fell in love with.
A few years later it changed. Today we don't communicate that great. Communication and priorities seem to be our biggest issues if I can self diagnose. Now, I don't want it to appear that I'm pinning all this on her, so I admit that I still have my fair share of nuisances. Then and now I get pain flare ups which can cancel plans at any notice and the anxiety and depression still linger, especially with my parents going through their ordeal (and pulling their adult children into the mix, which is a story saved for a whole other message board). I still get angry at times, but it's mostly all done in one shot, I don't carry it for days or weeks like I used to. I can be loud and mean but I'm always aware of when I'm entering that state and I make a note of working on it. I have mantras. I meditate. I still go to therapy. And throughout it all, I do consider myself a good husband. Every decision I make has her in mind. I'm successful. I work hard. I'm honest. I dependable. I help out my and her family. My future always has her in it. Sadly, this is where it all starts to hurt.
I feel like, and I've said this directly to my wife just last evening, that she doesn't care anymore. I do majority of the house work, and that's fine since I have a job that is laid back and allows me to work from home quite often, but it's hard to get assistance from her. I can ask politely. I can even text it. But it will remain stagnant for so long that I just get angry and we'll fight about it. She doesn't like to clean the house. A lot of the time she'll start something but forget about it. She leaves clothes and accessories everywhere. She's acquired so much that keep my clothes in and get dressed in a separate room. She will buy items for the house but then doesn't know what to do with them so it gets tossed in a pile. We have two dogs - she doesn't run the vacuum and in all the years we've had those dogs, she has never gone outside to pick up their waste. And we've discussed this multiple times. But the thing is, she's not lazy. She's a hard worker. She has two colle ge degrees and a successful job, a job that treats her good too and is down the street from us, so we do have a lot of free time, with zero kids. I can't figure it out. For lack of a better word, the only sole "chore" she has is paying the bills once a month. All other chores we split, but then you add on the "man" stuff - cutting grass, home repairs, garbage. I'm overwhelmed and with my conditions it starts to take a toll. Our situation feels unbalanced and I can only do so much before the pain kicks in, then every other accompanying symptom follows. I'm depressed much more as of late, and my living conditions are causing crippling anxiety attacks at times. She'll watch me fold towels, sweep the floor, etc. and it just eats away at me. The worse part is how quick she jumps to help others though. She even volunteers at a local farm twice a week where she'll shovel cow manure.
We fight about it constantly now. I can't keep up and I just feel broken. I've approached it from every angle. Recently I've been reduced to tears every time it comes up, and I probably even come off as begging. Her response always has to do with something else though - she'll bring up our troubled past. My faults will come up. We'll go off on tangents about other issues, when really all I'm asking is for a helping hand around the house. It really is that black and white. Sometimes she'll call herself names and insinuate that's how I feel about her. Sometimes she'll bring up how much she stood by me through all my problematic times. She insists that she helps, and she does with small stuff, but there's always pile of things that needs to be done. And these are just normal, everyday responsibilities. It spirals and I feel the only way to have a voice is to yell, at which point the focus shifts to that and I become the bad guy by the end. I always get blamed for the fights even though at times she's the one that took a simple conversation and blew it up. And these attitudes we're developing seem to be spilling over into everything else. Intimacy and sex are fleeing. She stopped exercising. She stares at her phone more than me. It's hard to have a conversation, especially about serious matters. We're never on the same page. I've suggested couples therapy but with no luck. I can clearly see we need it. We won't last and I don't know how else to get that across to her. She told me she cares about us, and I can see it in her eyes. She has a huge heart, she is full of love, she stood by me throughout it all - which makes all this even more difficult. But I just don't know. Maybe that's it? Or maybe she's afraid to let go despite being unhappy? I'm lost here.
I think I covered it all. Sorry to ramble. All the while I was typing, I thought about deleting this once I reached the end. Maybe I just needed to vent - to see it on paper for myself. Or maybe I'm a very confused guy who can use some advice.
I decided I'll give it a shot. Thank you.
- Max
I've been married to my wife for 5 of the 11 years we have been together. We're in our mid 30's now and the journey to get here wasn't easy. During my early 20's I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and from there stress and anxiety soon accompanied it. On top of that, you need to take into consideration that I come from a home that was always quarrelsome. My parents, albeit really really caring people individually, rarely expressed genuine warmth to each other. We didn't see much of my extended family, never made big family events or memories together, and communication was typically done through yelling. They are still married today but potentially seeking a divorce since they've self destructed so much that my father is a (functional) alcoholic and my mother has extreme OCD/depression.
When I met my future wife, I brought all that baggage with me. I was always sick, stressed or sad, and I turned a lot of that into anger. I developed trust issues and I was verbally abusive at times. I carried what was embedded in me from my upbringing. It put a lot of strain on us. But we always communicated about it, set milestones and did our best. I sought further medical treatments and therapy to help with my problems, bu that was rough too. I went through a handful of antidepressants before I could find one that didn't cause wicked side effects. I was never on balance. I would lose weight, gain weight, have a sex drive, have no sex drive, etc. That, plus the meds for my pain and anxiety - it was a nightmare. I never felt whole. I never felt human. Eventually, between finding the right doctor and the advancement in medicine, after a few years I was able to get a grasp on everything. I understand that I will always have problems, who doesn't, right? But I managed to climb my way out of those ones. I got stronger, the years carried on and things were great. We both scored good jobs, bought a house, killed our debt and tied the knot. My wife told me she had the real me back - the me that she fell in love with.
A few years later it changed. Today we don't communicate that great. Communication and priorities seem to be our biggest issues if I can self diagnose. Now, I don't want it to appear that I'm pinning all this on her, so I admit that I still have my fair share of nuisances. Then and now I get pain flare ups which can cancel plans at any notice and the anxiety and depression still linger, especially with my parents going through their ordeal (and pulling their adult children into the mix, which is a story saved for a whole other message board). I still get angry at times, but it's mostly all done in one shot, I don't carry it for days or weeks like I used to. I can be loud and mean but I'm always aware of when I'm entering that state and I make a note of working on it. I have mantras. I meditate. I still go to therapy. And throughout it all, I do consider myself a good husband. Every decision I make has her in mind. I'm successful. I work hard. I'm honest. I dependable. I help out my and her family. My future always has her in it. Sadly, this is where it all starts to hurt.
I feel like, and I've said this directly to my wife just last evening, that she doesn't care anymore. I do majority of the house work, and that's fine since I have a job that is laid back and allows me to work from home quite often, but it's hard to get assistance from her. I can ask politely. I can even text it. But it will remain stagnant for so long that I just get angry and we'll fight about it. She doesn't like to clean the house. A lot of the time she'll start something but forget about it. She leaves clothes and accessories everywhere. She's acquired so much that keep my clothes in and get dressed in a separate room. She will buy items for the house but then doesn't know what to do with them so it gets tossed in a pile. We have two dogs - she doesn't run the vacuum and in all the years we've had those dogs, she has never gone outside to pick up their waste. And we've discussed this multiple times. But the thing is, she's not lazy. She's a hard worker. She has two colle ge degrees and a successful job, a job that treats her good too and is down the street from us, so we do have a lot of free time, with zero kids. I can't figure it out. For lack of a better word, the only sole "chore" she has is paying the bills once a month. All other chores we split, but then you add on the "man" stuff - cutting grass, home repairs, garbage. I'm overwhelmed and with my conditions it starts to take a toll. Our situation feels unbalanced and I can only do so much before the pain kicks in, then every other accompanying symptom follows. I'm depressed much more as of late, and my living conditions are causing crippling anxiety attacks at times. She'll watch me fold towels, sweep the floor, etc. and it just eats away at me. The worse part is how quick she jumps to help others though. She even volunteers at a local farm twice a week where she'll shovel cow manure.
We fight about it constantly now. I can't keep up and I just feel broken. I've approached it from every angle. Recently I've been reduced to tears every time it comes up, and I probably even come off as begging. Her response always has to do with something else though - she'll bring up our troubled past. My faults will come up. We'll go off on tangents about other issues, when really all I'm asking is for a helping hand around the house. It really is that black and white. Sometimes she'll call herself names and insinuate that's how I feel about her. Sometimes she'll bring up how much she stood by me through all my problematic times. She insists that she helps, and she does with small stuff, but there's always pile of things that needs to be done. And these are just normal, everyday responsibilities. It spirals and I feel the only way to have a voice is to yell, at which point the focus shifts to that and I become the bad guy by the end. I always get blamed for the fights even though at times she's the one that took a simple conversation and blew it up. And these attitudes we're developing seem to be spilling over into everything else. Intimacy and sex are fleeing. She stopped exercising. She stares at her phone more than me. It's hard to have a conversation, especially about serious matters. We're never on the same page. I've suggested couples therapy but with no luck. I can clearly see we need it. We won't last and I don't know how else to get that across to her. She told me she cares about us, and I can see it in her eyes. She has a huge heart, she is full of love, she stood by me throughout it all - which makes all this even more difficult. But I just don't know. Maybe that's it? Or maybe she's afraid to let go despite being unhappy? I'm lost here.
I think I covered it all. Sorry to ramble. All the while I was typing, I thought about deleting this once I reached the end. Maybe I just needed to vent - to see it on paper for myself. Or maybe I'm a very confused guy who can use some advice.
I decided I'll give it a shot. Thank you.
- Max
Put the internet to work for you.
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