I have read thread upon thread here and on other forums about the problems with LD spouses and how they hurt their spouses through sexual rejection.
What about the HD spouses. What part does the HD spouse play in the sexual clash with their LD spouse? Are HD's only victims or do they cause some of the problem too?
There are two sides to every story. I would love for LD's (or former LD's) to tell their side for once! How do HD's contribute to your lack of desire for them.
I am going to start with my side. First of all - the background. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We married very young and were both virgins. Neither of us had ever been with anyone else sexually. We both grew up in a strict religious environment, where sex was only talked about in terms of thou shall nots. Sex was only allowed in marriage, and even masturbation was considered sinful. We had very little sexual education and instruction and were both very naïve when we married. We did not have any role models for good sexual relationships - because sex was not talked about within our community of friends and family. So we stayed naïve and uneducated about sexual matters for a good part of our marriage.
I take full responsibility for my part of our sexual problems, and as the LD spouse - I definitely controlled the sex in our marriage. I decided when, how much sex, and what we could do and not do.
However, my husband also played a part in our sexual dysfunction, especially in the early years when we probably could have turned things around if we had addressed the situation. But we didnt'!
Here are some of the things he did or did not do that I feel contributed to our sexual issues in those early years.
1. Lack of communication. He never talked to me about our sexual relationship. He did not ask me what I liked or what felt good. He just tried things and went with my reaction, sometimes even ignoring my reaction. He never expressed how my rejection hurt him, or how he felt when I rejected him. He never expressed what sex meant to him - what having sex with ME meant to him.
2. Most of the time, it felt like sex WAS ONLY about sex for him - not at all about a deep emotional connection. When I rejected him or pushed him away - he would become pesty - and would try over and over to get me to change my mind, groping, touching, sulking, etc. He often wanted sex when he knew I was exhausted, or upset, or even sick. When we did have sex - once sex was over - he quickly fell asleep and then the next morning, with maybe a quick peck on the cheek - he quickly moved on and away from me.
3. He made no attempt to learn to be a better lover - to try to learn to make sex enjoyable for me too. Most of the time when we had sex (in the beginning when I did have a sex drive) it felt like he pursued me for his pleasure - and was not all that interested in mine. Foreplay was used to get me aroused - so I would be willing - and then he moved on to getting his satisfaction. (This was caused by inexperience and lack of knowledge - thinking intercourse felt just as good to me as it did to him. It did not!!)
4. Often - I got a lot of attention from him when he was horny - but once he was satisfied - the attention (both emotional and physical) seemed to quickly disappear and did not re-appear until he was horny again.
5. He stopped taking care of his appearance. He later put on weight and did nothing about it - even when he knew it bothered me.
There was more - but that is enough for now. I am not trying to paint my husband as a terrible person. He is not - he is a great guy. Successful marriages require the work of both partners - and both partners usually contribute to problems in the relationship.
We hear over and over what the LD spouse does - its time to focus a little on what the HD spouse does to contribute to the HD/LD clash in their marriage.
Please stay focused on the topic - and do not crucify anyone for sharing their experiences and thoughts.
HD's - feel free to contribute - but only by asking questions to understand more or by telling us ways you contributed to your LD spouses lack of sexual interest. If you want to gripe or complain about your LD spouse - there are many other threads for which you can to do that. :)
What about the HD spouses. What part does the HD spouse play in the sexual clash with their LD spouse? Are HD's only victims or do they cause some of the problem too?
There are two sides to every story. I would love for LD's (or former LD's) to tell their side for once! How do HD's contribute to your lack of desire for them.
I am going to start with my side. First of all - the background. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We married very young and were both virgins. Neither of us had ever been with anyone else sexually. We both grew up in a strict religious environment, where sex was only talked about in terms of thou shall nots. Sex was only allowed in marriage, and even masturbation was considered sinful. We had very little sexual education and instruction and were both very naïve when we married. We did not have any role models for good sexual relationships - because sex was not talked about within our community of friends and family. So we stayed naïve and uneducated about sexual matters for a good part of our marriage.
I take full responsibility for my part of our sexual problems, and as the LD spouse - I definitely controlled the sex in our marriage. I decided when, how much sex, and what we could do and not do.
However, my husband also played a part in our sexual dysfunction, especially in the early years when we probably could have turned things around if we had addressed the situation. But we didnt'!
Here are some of the things he did or did not do that I feel contributed to our sexual issues in those early years.
1. Lack of communication. He never talked to me about our sexual relationship. He did not ask me what I liked or what felt good. He just tried things and went with my reaction, sometimes even ignoring my reaction. He never expressed how my rejection hurt him, or how he felt when I rejected him. He never expressed what sex meant to him - what having sex with ME meant to him.
2. Most of the time, it felt like sex WAS ONLY about sex for him - not at all about a deep emotional connection. When I rejected him or pushed him away - he would become pesty - and would try over and over to get me to change my mind, groping, touching, sulking, etc. He often wanted sex when he knew I was exhausted, or upset, or even sick. When we did have sex - once sex was over - he quickly fell asleep and then the next morning, with maybe a quick peck on the cheek - he quickly moved on and away from me.
3. He made no attempt to learn to be a better lover - to try to learn to make sex enjoyable for me too. Most of the time when we had sex (in the beginning when I did have a sex drive) it felt like he pursued me for his pleasure - and was not all that interested in mine. Foreplay was used to get me aroused - so I would be willing - and then he moved on to getting his satisfaction. (This was caused by inexperience and lack of knowledge - thinking intercourse felt just as good to me as it did to him. It did not!!)
4. Often - I got a lot of attention from him when he was horny - but once he was satisfied - the attention (both emotional and physical) seemed to quickly disappear and did not re-appear until he was horny again.
5. He stopped taking care of his appearance. He later put on weight and did nothing about it - even when he knew it bothered me.
There was more - but that is enough for now. I am not trying to paint my husband as a terrible person. He is not - he is a great guy. Successful marriages require the work of both partners - and both partners usually contribute to problems in the relationship.
We hear over and over what the LD spouse does - its time to focus a little on what the HD spouse does to contribute to the HD/LD clash in their marriage.
Please stay focused on the topic - and do not crucify anyone for sharing their experiences and thoughts.
HD's - feel free to contribute - but only by asking questions to understand more or by telling us ways you contributed to your LD spouses lack of sexual interest. If you want to gripe or complain about your LD spouse - there are many other threads for which you can to do that. :)
Put the internet to work for you.
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