I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just for somewhere to put everything that is happening.
We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. We have worked for the same company for the last 7 years. We have and ups and downs in our marriage as everyone does but they have been mostly related to 2 things; his struggle with drinking and my overall lack touchy feeliness, including low sex drive. Through it all If I had to rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 it would shave been an 8 and he has always agreed.
My best friend has worked for the same company as us for the last 5 years. Also, in that time, our families have grown close. We have kids that are the same age and had bbqs, went camping, to the beach, park, the gym etc. together.
In mid - November my husband fell off the wagon. He told me about it the next morning and also shared that he was struggling with some depression issues. We sat down and talked. I told him I had his back as long as he got back on the wagon and kept working on it. He said he would. At the end of November our families went camping together for Thanksgiving. Fast forward to December, I planned a 15 year anniversary trip to Jamaica for my husband and I. On that trip we had a deep talk and he expressed how hard it was for him that I was not a touchy feely person. We also talked about our overall lack of sex life (avg. twice per month) and his discontent. We talked about the fact that before getting pregnant and marrying him I had never pictured myself being married and that I was married to him because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. He was devastated but we both committed to working on it. We got back from the trip and it was tough. I was constantly assessing whether I was showing enough affection etc. Around the same time my grandmother who live in another started a rapid decline that would result in her death 3 weeks later. I flew out and helped care for her for two weeks. A week after returning home, I found out that despite what he had told me my husband had not only continued drinking but that he had increased the frequency and intensity of the drinking. I handed him my weeding ring and told him I was done. He begged me to stay and I said I had to think about it. The next morning my grandmother passed away. I left town 2 days later for the funeral and was gone for 4 days. When I got back we talked and I agreed to go to therapy, etc. with him to try to fix what was broken in our marriage. We both agreed that we needed to pull back from our outside commitments and focus on our marriage and our family. The next 8 weeks were awesome. My husband recommitted to working his program going to 5 meetings on average a week and got his 60 day c hip. We sat down and had an honest talk about our finances and where things were (he spends money like people drink water when he is drinking). Life was good. I had hope. I knew that although we had a good marriage before, noes it could be great.
Then 6 days ago I stayed home from work with my youngest because she was sick. She asked me to change a tv program and I picked up my husband's iPad (the remote is on an app) and when I did I saw a text exchange between my husband and best friend. It was not bad, just off. It was enough to make me wonder. Later that afternoon when he got home I read through his text messages. They only went back to mid January because he had gotten a new phone around that time. But they were devastating. They were having an emotional affair.
I have never been so crushed in my life. I confronted him about it and at first he denied it and then minimized it and then owned up to it. He said that he had disengaged from the relationship at the beginning of January because he knew it was wrong and he wanted to work on our marriage. He had and has no explanation for why they continued sending those kinds of messages after that time. He says that they kissed once but that they never did anything beyond that. He has talked to me about it each day since and has answered all of my questions.
But I am so angry and hurt and disgusted with both of them. I have cut off all personal contact with her but as I said we work together and have to travel together. Our jobs interact quite a bit. My husband works with us as well but his job and and hers do not interact. Neither one of us is in a position to leave our jobs.
We are both going to therapy both separate and together. I have not made a decision about what I am going to do. I am taking it one day at a time right now.
Thank you for the private space to vent. Feedback is appreciated.
We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. We have worked for the same company for the last 7 years. We have and ups and downs in our marriage as everyone does but they have been mostly related to 2 things; his struggle with drinking and my overall lack touchy feeliness, including low sex drive. Through it all If I had to rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 it would shave been an 8 and he has always agreed.
My best friend has worked for the same company as us for the last 5 years. Also, in that time, our families have grown close. We have kids that are the same age and had bbqs, went camping, to the beach, park, the gym etc. together.
In mid - November my husband fell off the wagon. He told me about it the next morning and also shared that he was struggling with some depression issues. We sat down and talked. I told him I had his back as long as he got back on the wagon and kept working on it. He said he would. At the end of November our families went camping together for Thanksgiving. Fast forward to December, I planned a 15 year anniversary trip to Jamaica for my husband and I. On that trip we had a deep talk and he expressed how hard it was for him that I was not a touchy feely person. We also talked about our overall lack of sex life (avg. twice per month) and his discontent. We talked about the fact that before getting pregnant and marrying him I had never pictured myself being married and that I was married to him because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. He was devastated but we both committed to working on it. We got back from the trip and it was tough. I was constantly assessing whether I was showing enough affection etc. Around the same time my grandmother who live in another started a rapid decline that would result in her death 3 weeks later. I flew out and helped care for her for two weeks. A week after returning home, I found out that despite what he had told me my husband had not only continued drinking but that he had increased the frequency and intensity of the drinking. I handed him my weeding ring and told him I was done. He begged me to stay and I said I had to think about it. The next morning my grandmother passed away. I left town 2 days later for the funeral and was gone for 4 days. When I got back we talked and I agreed to go to therapy, etc. with him to try to fix what was broken in our marriage. We both agreed that we needed to pull back from our outside commitments and focus on our marriage and our family. The next 8 weeks were awesome. My husband recommitted to working his program going to 5 meetings on average a week and got his 60 day c hip. We sat down and had an honest talk about our finances and where things were (he spends money like people drink water when he is drinking). Life was good. I had hope. I knew that although we had a good marriage before, noes it could be great.
Then 6 days ago I stayed home from work with my youngest because she was sick. She asked me to change a tv program and I picked up my husband's iPad (the remote is on an app) and when I did I saw a text exchange between my husband and best friend. It was not bad, just off. It was enough to make me wonder. Later that afternoon when he got home I read through his text messages. They only went back to mid January because he had gotten a new phone around that time. But they were devastating. They were having an emotional affair.
I have never been so crushed in my life. I confronted him about it and at first he denied it and then minimized it and then owned up to it. He said that he had disengaged from the relationship at the beginning of January because he knew it was wrong and he wanted to work on our marriage. He had and has no explanation for why they continued sending those kinds of messages after that time. He says that they kissed once but that they never did anything beyond that. He has talked to me about it each day since and has answered all of my questions.
But I am so angry and hurt and disgusted with both of them. I have cut off all personal contact with her but as I said we work together and have to travel together. Our jobs interact quite a bit. My husband works with us as well but his job and and hers do not interact. Neither one of us is in a position to leave our jobs.
We are both going to therapy both separate and together. I have not made a decision about what I am going to do. I am taking it one day at a time right now.
Thank you for the private space to vent. Feedback is appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
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