Together 6 years, married 3, with 5yr old twins. I love her, she loves me, but my pattern of emotional neglect and our pattern of non-communication have wrecked things for good. She says she wants to go for good this time, our marriage is a "terminal dog with cancer that we've tried everything for, just needs shot humanely".
I'd apprecaite advice on anyone who has been in a similar situation, how to figure out this cyclical relationship pattern stuff, and if there is any recovery here - or how to move forward single again if thats really gods will.
Things came to a head last night. We are very busy individuals but the last few months have been neglecting the little time we have for each other. We've both rejected each others attempts to communicate by bringing up the latest transgressions. We talked, she says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but that our marriage is dead and since every time we've worked things back on track it only lasts for a couple months then I mistreat her constantly again.
The cycle we've experienced is we work hard on our marriage for a few months and things are good, then we get busy with work or school or projects and work on our own stuff.
Then I'm not meeting her needs so my cute ineptness or forgetfulness are suddenly malicious acts, and my playful verbal jokes are all attacks and criticisms. We'll still be doing shared activities and parenting and occasionally have a good time together, but everything I do is overshadowed by something and resentment starts to grow. She will remember very few nice things in hindsight and only 'a million paper cuts'.
Then our communication starts to be stonewalled, I'd rather stay home than do a family event, and we're painful to be around each other.
Then something happens, some stupid comment or rude action, and a week or so later she presents her realization that we are not meant to be, that our marriage is unsavable, she will separate or divorce.
Then a few weeks of silence.
Then we see each other while swapping kids, start talking, acting decent and not fighting.
Over a week to a few months, we eventually dig into the latest reason of the breakup, make a plan to resolve the issues, commit to coming back together stronger than ever.
Cycle up, the whole cycling taking a good 1-1.5 years.
The issues coming to head as physical fights the first time, then verbal fights/abuse, then physical/emotional abandonment when she was sick, then emotional abandonment and alcoholism, now emotional/physical abandonment.
I'd apprecaite advice on anyone who has been in a similar situation, how to figure out this cyclical relationship pattern stuff, and if there is any recovery here - or how to move forward single again if thats really gods will.
Things came to a head last night. We are very busy individuals but the last few months have been neglecting the little time we have for each other. We've both rejected each others attempts to communicate by bringing up the latest transgressions. We talked, she says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but that our marriage is dead and since every time we've worked things back on track it only lasts for a couple months then I mistreat her constantly again.
The cycle we've experienced is we work hard on our marriage for a few months and things are good, then we get busy with work or school or projects and work on our own stuff.
Then I'm not meeting her needs so my cute ineptness or forgetfulness are suddenly malicious acts, and my playful verbal jokes are all attacks and criticisms. We'll still be doing shared activities and parenting and occasionally have a good time together, but everything I do is overshadowed by something and resentment starts to grow. She will remember very few nice things in hindsight and only 'a million paper cuts'.
Then our communication starts to be stonewalled, I'd rather stay home than do a family event, and we're painful to be around each other.
Then something happens, some stupid comment or rude action, and a week or so later she presents her realization that we are not meant to be, that our marriage is unsavable, she will separate or divorce.
Then a few weeks of silence.
Then we see each other while swapping kids, start talking, acting decent and not fighting.
Over a week to a few months, we eventually dig into the latest reason of the breakup, make a plan to resolve the issues, commit to coming back together stronger than ever.
Cycle up, the whole cycling taking a good 1-1.5 years.
The issues coming to head as physical fights the first time, then verbal fights/abuse, then physical/emotional abandonment when she was sick, then emotional abandonment and alcoholism, now emotional/physical abandonment.
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