I am in a crazy situation I have tried to find someone who can give me advice, but I can't find anyone who can relate to what I am going through. My husband had multiple affairs a decade or so ago, but I only just found out more of the truth recently. I knew something was wrong back then, he treated me so poorly, ignoring me, being dismissive, and verbally cruel. He would get so angry when I didn't want to have sex, but it was impossible to desire someone who treated me like crap. He was very controlling with the house, didn't want me to throw anything away to the point that he would wig out if I even tried to recycle the newspapers. He was flying high with his career back then and thought he was entitled to have whatever he wanted from me. Meanwhile, I was struggling with pregnancy losses, the resultant depressions, and a very challenging oldest daughter. I gave up my career to stay home with the kids and I eventually gave up on entertaining because I w as embarrassed about the house and he never really helped me with anything around the house. In a fit of contrition, he confessed to one affair seven years ago. I couldn't handle it because at that point we were struggling financially and had elderly, sick parents to care for as well as the kids. I took over the finances and saw what a mess everything was and I went out and got a job. A few years ago, after both our mothers had passed away and the kids were older and more independent, I finally came up for air and started to take better care of myself. I started exercising, lost 20 pounds, connected with old friends and made new ones. I am now in a masters program to get my teaching license. I also became emotionally involved with someone online through a music fan website I joined. My husband suddenly decided that he did care and wanted a relationship again. At that point, we hadn't had sex in five years other than the one time on our 25th anniversary, which was because I t hought we should try again. It was that occasion that made me realize that I didn't love or desire him anymore. This happened, by the way, before I started my emotional affair. So, I find out a few months ago that husband had been spying on me with keyloggers on my laptop and the home desktop computer. He had most of the emails and some texts between myself and my friend. I understand on the one hand, because he did it two summers ago with my phone and I said I would stop. I did for a while, but then I started up again. In hindsight, I think I did it because I couldn't handle husband wanting me to love him again and maybe it was my way out, I really don't know. I am in therapy now to try to figure it all out. What I am sure of is that I can't love this man again after everything that's happened. I feel sorry for him now, he has changed some in that he's stopped drinking. But his multiple addictions (did I mention the drinking and online porn?), and his passive aggressive per sonality have permanently changed my feelings. Plus, I don't think he really loves me, it's just all about control. He couldn't stand me finding some happiness with someone else, even though he didn't care himself. He never tried to make up the affair to me and when I finally got him to be more honest, he confessed to three affairs, but I know there were more. I need to leave but I am afraid for the kids (my youngest is still in high school) and I worry about the finances and that, at 56, I am too old to start over. Sorry for the length here and I hope this makes sense.
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