Hello everyone.
I've been reluctant to post here however I have read several posts from other members. Honestly I think what drove me to finally post here was that I needed a support group and advice. Yeah I have family and luckily my family says it like it is and has clearly told me my faults. However this has been going on now for just over 6 months and I'm tired of my marriage or lack thereof being the main topic of discussion every time I see them so I needed to reach out to people that are going through or have been through what I'm experiencing.
So I'm not sure where to start. We have been married for almost 11 years. I do know that I'm not going to start blaming the wife for everything because I know I have faults as well. It all really started when she was pregnant with our 8 yr old daughter. Keep in mind I had 2 kids and she had 1 from our previous marriages. I was about to turn 30 and the only explanation I have is I was going through a midlife crisis and wasn't ready to go through the diapers, late nights etc. again. We previously went through 3 miscarriages and I think I turned the parenting switch off mentally. I didn't want any part of the pregnancy at first and was rather angry at her; I probably should have worn a full body condom because I just acted like a big ****. About the 5th month I finally woke up and realized that this was a gift from god and I better get on board. So the next few years were really good. However that was really the beginning of our problems. We put our daughter first and never each other. So the last 3 years have basically been us tolerating each other and I really thought we were only still together for our daughter's sake at least that is what I thought.
Fast forward to may 13th of this year. I got a text that she was done and we needed to talk. At first I was like "okay, what did I do know" and we will get past this but when she got home it was for real and she insisted I move downstairs and she started to moving everything out of our bedroom. Funny thing was that our marriage compared to the previous 3 years was actually better so it really caught me off guard. She just kept telling me that I treated her poorly for so long that she just isn't in love with me anymore. She then started to want to hurry things along and wanted me to find another place to live and I only had one request was that we don't see other people until our divorce is finalized. She refused and immediately my infidelity sensors went on high alert. I asked her about it several times and of course denied any involvement with someone else.
I moved out May 28th and let me tell you it was a really rough at first. I know I did everything wrong in the beginning. I begged, whined and was just very needy. I realize now that was the complete wrong approach. About a week past and of course I was texting a lot and writing letters etc., and kept mentioning that she was seeing someone but as usual she kept denying it. Finally on June 9th she texted me about 5am and you could tell that she wanted me to come over so I did. She admitted she had been with someone else since I moved out. Obviously she had to have been talking to him before but, it is what it is and spilled milk at this point. Anyways she wanted me back however I was a little bit guarded as she was still with holding details but I figured that would come in time.
The very next day she tells me she had a weak moment and still wanted to continue with the divorce. So as you can imagine I fell apart again. I had a fishing trip already planned and I was leaving in 2 days later and I really thought I shouldn't even go however it was with a Christian men's group and it turned out to be a very positive experience for me mentally. I probably did spend a little too much time on the phone with her while I was there but either way I just found good fellowship that helped me through the experience.
I returned home from the trip on June 19th and on June 25th she texted me and said she wanted me home. This time it was for real as she spilled out all the details etc. So luckily it all worked out that was as the condo I was staying in just sold and I had to get out and moved back home.
Even though that was the hardest 6 weeks of my life I did find some valuable advice and started working on myself during that time. I lost weight, started exercising, started reading the bible more and learned how to be a good loving husband again, learned how to not lose my temper so quickly, listen better, etc. Which she clearly admits that my transformation has been second to none in such a short time.
So that last 6 months have been pretty awesome however I have noticed that about a month maybe 6 weeks ago the random "I love you" , the night time cuddling, etc. was starting to get less and less. And of course this put me back in self-preservation mode but rather than do anything real hasty I just let her know that I do notice the distance and that I'm beginning to have doubts again. I have given 100% and only received maybe 10% in return. I have been giving and giving and all she has done is take. About a month ago she received a big promotion at work and I'm sure this has boasted her self-confidence. I have been VERY supportive and been her biggest fan. She has started a new thing since we separated in June which is ladies night once a week with her sister and 1 other friend at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks. I have also supported this to the point of taking her and picking her up. She is definitely all about her and I have just accepted that for a long time.
My job allows me to work from home which has allowed me to be able to get the kids to school and be here when they get off the bus in the afternoon. I always have the house spotless when my wife gets home. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, yard work, etc. I have only had this job for 1.5 years so I do miss being around people but at this point all I have been focusing on is saving our marriage.
So last Saturday we had dinner and she finally just told me that she has been trying really hard but she's just not in love with me anymore. She loves me and admits that it's not me this time she just can't get those feelings back. Being through this back in June I'm not nearly as devastated as I was before but I'm still left wondering why. She always just says she don't know why she can't get the feelings back and with me here at home she just has no room to figure out what she wants. All of her time is accounted for so I have no fear of another affair although I'm sure someone will post this concern anyways.
So we have agreed I will move out this week and get through the holidays and in January we will evaluate our situation and then get back together or just sell the house and go our separate ways. I genuinely want her to be happy and if space is what she wants that's what she will get. Or if moving on without me is what will make her happy then she will get that. We also agreed on finances and visitation with our daughter. And we won't see other people until either we resolve this or divorce.
We also agreed that if there is one thing we always did well in our marriage it was the sexy time and as long as it didn't lead to emotional talks and the neediness then we could continue that.
I'm still in favor of saving our marriage and she is just undecided. She won't seek consoling with me or even on her own she just wants space. And I know moving in back so fast was definitely a mistake and we she have probably approached it differently.
Am I just kidding myself in thinking that this marriage is still salvageable or is it just time to throw in the towel? I'm going to be in the mindset of living life on my own and continue in my growth as a father and as a man that deserves to be happy, with or without her.
I have found the 180 list and I think I need to order the "no more mister nice guy book" as well.
I've been reluctant to post here however I have read several posts from other members. Honestly I think what drove me to finally post here was that I needed a support group and advice. Yeah I have family and luckily my family says it like it is and has clearly told me my faults. However this has been going on now for just over 6 months and I'm tired of my marriage or lack thereof being the main topic of discussion every time I see them so I needed to reach out to people that are going through or have been through what I'm experiencing.
So I'm not sure where to start. We have been married for almost 11 years. I do know that I'm not going to start blaming the wife for everything because I know I have faults as well. It all really started when she was pregnant with our 8 yr old daughter. Keep in mind I had 2 kids and she had 1 from our previous marriages. I was about to turn 30 and the only explanation I have is I was going through a midlife crisis and wasn't ready to go through the diapers, late nights etc. again. We previously went through 3 miscarriages and I think I turned the parenting switch off mentally. I didn't want any part of the pregnancy at first and was rather angry at her; I probably should have worn a full body condom because I just acted like a big ****. About the 5th month I finally woke up and realized that this was a gift from god and I better get on board. So the next few years were really good. However that was really the beginning of our problems. We put our daughter first and never each other. So the last 3 years have basically been us tolerating each other and I really thought we were only still together for our daughter's sake at least that is what I thought.
Fast forward to may 13th of this year. I got a text that she was done and we needed to talk. At first I was like "okay, what did I do know" and we will get past this but when she got home it was for real and she insisted I move downstairs and she started to moving everything out of our bedroom. Funny thing was that our marriage compared to the previous 3 years was actually better so it really caught me off guard. She just kept telling me that I treated her poorly for so long that she just isn't in love with me anymore. She then started to want to hurry things along and wanted me to find another place to live and I only had one request was that we don't see other people until our divorce is finalized. She refused and immediately my infidelity sensors went on high alert. I asked her about it several times and of course denied any involvement with someone else.
I moved out May 28th and let me tell you it was a really rough at first. I know I did everything wrong in the beginning. I begged, whined and was just very needy. I realize now that was the complete wrong approach. About a week past and of course I was texting a lot and writing letters etc., and kept mentioning that she was seeing someone but as usual she kept denying it. Finally on June 9th she texted me about 5am and you could tell that she wanted me to come over so I did. She admitted she had been with someone else since I moved out. Obviously she had to have been talking to him before but, it is what it is and spilled milk at this point. Anyways she wanted me back however I was a little bit guarded as she was still with holding details but I figured that would come in time.
The very next day she tells me she had a weak moment and still wanted to continue with the divorce. So as you can imagine I fell apart again. I had a fishing trip already planned and I was leaving in 2 days later and I really thought I shouldn't even go however it was with a Christian men's group and it turned out to be a very positive experience for me mentally. I probably did spend a little too much time on the phone with her while I was there but either way I just found good fellowship that helped me through the experience.
I returned home from the trip on June 19th and on June 25th she texted me and said she wanted me home. This time it was for real as she spilled out all the details etc. So luckily it all worked out that was as the condo I was staying in just sold and I had to get out and moved back home.
Even though that was the hardest 6 weeks of my life I did find some valuable advice and started working on myself during that time. I lost weight, started exercising, started reading the bible more and learned how to be a good loving husband again, learned how to not lose my temper so quickly, listen better, etc. Which she clearly admits that my transformation has been second to none in such a short time.
So that last 6 months have been pretty awesome however I have noticed that about a month maybe 6 weeks ago the random "I love you" , the night time cuddling, etc. was starting to get less and less. And of course this put me back in self-preservation mode but rather than do anything real hasty I just let her know that I do notice the distance and that I'm beginning to have doubts again. I have given 100% and only received maybe 10% in return. I have been giving and giving and all she has done is take. About a month ago she received a big promotion at work and I'm sure this has boasted her self-confidence. I have been VERY supportive and been her biggest fan. She has started a new thing since we separated in June which is ladies night once a week with her sister and 1 other friend at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks. I have also supported this to the point of taking her and picking her up. She is definitely all about her and I have just accepted that for a long time.
My job allows me to work from home which has allowed me to be able to get the kids to school and be here when they get off the bus in the afternoon. I always have the house spotless when my wife gets home. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, yard work, etc. I have only had this job for 1.5 years so I do miss being around people but at this point all I have been focusing on is saving our marriage.
So last Saturday we had dinner and she finally just told me that she has been trying really hard but she's just not in love with me anymore. She loves me and admits that it's not me this time she just can't get those feelings back. Being through this back in June I'm not nearly as devastated as I was before but I'm still left wondering why. She always just says she don't know why she can't get the feelings back and with me here at home she just has no room to figure out what she wants. All of her time is accounted for so I have no fear of another affair although I'm sure someone will post this concern anyways.
So we have agreed I will move out this week and get through the holidays and in January we will evaluate our situation and then get back together or just sell the house and go our separate ways. I genuinely want her to be happy and if space is what she wants that's what she will get. Or if moving on without me is what will make her happy then she will get that. We also agreed on finances and visitation with our daughter. And we won't see other people until either we resolve this or divorce.
We also agreed that if there is one thing we always did well in our marriage it was the sexy time and as long as it didn't lead to emotional talks and the neediness then we could continue that.
I'm still in favor of saving our marriage and she is just undecided. She won't seek consoling with me or even on her own she just wants space. And I know moving in back so fast was definitely a mistake and we she have probably approached it differently.
Am I just kidding myself in thinking that this marriage is still salvageable or is it just time to throw in the towel? I'm going to be in the mindset of living life on my own and continue in my growth as a father and as a man that deserves to be happy, with or without her.
I have found the 180 list and I think I need to order the "no more mister nice guy book" as well.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment