As a child growing up being abuse/belittle by your mother sure can builds walls up to protect yourself from the pain, it is difficult to come out from behind the wall and trust another person.
But this is the past already, as I have left it behind me the day I turned 18 and move out of my mother house. Now I am 30, so it been 12 years that I don't live with her; so she is out of the picture, and out of my life.
And I am learning to forgive her, and trying to not let this trauma past effect my future.
Given my unfortunate chilhood, but fortunately in my adulthood, I found a great guy who truely cares for me.
We live in the same neighborhood for 4 years, and been steadily dating in a committed relationship for almost a year already.
When 2 people are in this close distance, things progress real fast; as you get to see them daily, see their real living style, etc..
And it is not easy to hide things from your own neighbors. It not like he going to bring other girls home so his gf, the whole neighborhood and family can see.
And since I am the girl right in his own hood, if he ever wants to cheats; he gonna have to skip 2-3 hoods over to find other girls to screw around with.
I can reasoning all this, so I know he does NOT cheats on me, but deep down inside I still doubts him.
Prior to dating, he chased me for half a year just to get 1 single date wtih me. Even all the neighbors here told me he is dead serious, stop doubt him, and gave him a chance...
Yet I still cruely leave him hanging, constantly give him mixed signals, and drag it on for six months before I gave him his date, and agreed to be his girl.
For a guy to be this persistent and patience, I know he is not just playing around.
I can reasoning all this, but deep down inside I still doubts him.
He knows I have trouble trusting others, so he tried his best to make me feel secure as much he can.
Everyday he tell me his whereabouts, what he will be doing tomorrow, etc...
When we together, he always leave his phone out in the open; and he make calls, takes calls, and talks to people on the phone right in front of my face; so I can know his whole conversation.
I NEVER ask him his whereabouts, it is him that voluntary to tell me.
Once I asked him why he doing all this? He said he have nothing to hide anyways; so if doing all this can make me trust him, he doesn't mind doing it.
He let me know before/after he go/off from work. Always drive back straight from work just to spend time with me.
Again, I can see all this, I know he cares, yet deep down inside I still can't find myself to fully trust him.
He always tell me how beutiful I am. As I find him staring and looking at me even when we first meet.
Back then whenever we ran into each others at the parking lot, he would just stood there and stares at me; even till today he still cant keep his eyes off me.
Given all this, I knwo I have to be physically attractive to him 'in his eyes', yet deep down inside me I still think I am Not pretty enough for him, I have low self-esteem.
One time, I went to the extreme of introduced him (my own bf) to another girl, a girl (friend) who also live in our neighborhood.
She is prettier, taller and more sexy than me. I thought this would get him to dump me for her.
But doing this actually pissed him off and he get mad. He made me promise him to Stop doing those nonesense; since he is NOT interested in her, and he only interested in me.
I see all of this, yet deep down inside, I still have low self-esteem, I still don't think I am prettier than her.
I keep give blowing my bf hot and cold. One day I give him alot of love and passion, yet the next time blow him cold; yet he still patience with me.
He went out of his ways to help me and do things for me, even to the details daily caring things to show me how much he cares.
I see all this, yet deep down inside, I still doubts his affection.
But this is the past already, as I have left it behind me the day I turned 18 and move out of my mother house. Now I am 30, so it been 12 years that I don't live with her; so she is out of the picture, and out of my life.
And I am learning to forgive her, and trying to not let this trauma past effect my future.
Given my unfortunate chilhood, but fortunately in my adulthood, I found a great guy who truely cares for me.
We live in the same neighborhood for 4 years, and been steadily dating in a committed relationship for almost a year already.
When 2 people are in this close distance, things progress real fast; as you get to see them daily, see their real living style, etc..
And it is not easy to hide things from your own neighbors. It not like he going to bring other girls home so his gf, the whole neighborhood and family can see.
And since I am the girl right in his own hood, if he ever wants to cheats; he gonna have to skip 2-3 hoods over to find other girls to screw around with.
I can reasoning all this, so I know he does NOT cheats on me, but deep down inside I still doubts him.
Prior to dating, he chased me for half a year just to get 1 single date wtih me. Even all the neighbors here told me he is dead serious, stop doubt him, and gave him a chance...
Yet I still cruely leave him hanging, constantly give him mixed signals, and drag it on for six months before I gave him his date, and agreed to be his girl.
For a guy to be this persistent and patience, I know he is not just playing around.
I can reasoning all this, but deep down inside I still doubts him.
He knows I have trouble trusting others, so he tried his best to make me feel secure as much he can.
Everyday he tell me his whereabouts, what he will be doing tomorrow, etc...
When we together, he always leave his phone out in the open; and he make calls, takes calls, and talks to people on the phone right in front of my face; so I can know his whole conversation.
I NEVER ask him his whereabouts, it is him that voluntary to tell me.
Once I asked him why he doing all this? He said he have nothing to hide anyways; so if doing all this can make me trust him, he doesn't mind doing it.
He let me know before/after he go/off from work. Always drive back straight from work just to spend time with me.
Again, I can see all this, I know he cares, yet deep down inside I still can't find myself to fully trust him.
He always tell me how beutiful I am. As I find him staring and looking at me even when we first meet.
Back then whenever we ran into each others at the parking lot, he would just stood there and stares at me; even till today he still cant keep his eyes off me.
Given all this, I knwo I have to be physically attractive to him 'in his eyes', yet deep down inside me I still think I am Not pretty enough for him, I have low self-esteem.
One time, I went to the extreme of introduced him (my own bf) to another girl, a girl (friend) who also live in our neighborhood.
She is prettier, taller and more sexy than me. I thought this would get him to dump me for her.
But doing this actually pissed him off and he get mad. He made me promise him to Stop doing those nonesense; since he is NOT interested in her, and he only interested in me.
I see all of this, yet deep down inside, I still have low self-esteem, I still don't think I am prettier than her.
I keep give blowing my bf hot and cold. One day I give him alot of love and passion, yet the next time blow him cold; yet he still patience with me.
He went out of his ways to help me and do things for me, even to the details daily caring things to show me how much he cares.
I see all this, yet deep down inside, I still doubts his affection.
Put the internet to work for you.
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