Good Morning everyone! I'm new and at the point now where I have no where to turn. Any and all advice will be welcome.
Here's my story:
I'm 29 (30 in a month), Have been with my now husband since I was 18, married for the past 4.5 years (he's 8 years older than me). We have a house and two kids together, 7 & 3. When my husband and I first started dating, I made it perfectly clear to him (it may have even been our first date) that there is one thing, above cheating, that I will never, ever tolerate and that is drugs (namely cocaine) because I knew he had been into it before we started dating. Above all else, that is one thing that I will not have crossed and I will leave if you do it. I was 18, young, naive, first serious relationship, etc etc.
Fast forward a few months (literally, only months) and I knew it was going on. I would ask him about it and he would flip out, make me seem like a crazy person for even asking. This went on for years. About once a week/once every two weeks.
Fast forward to three years into our relationship (I know, I should have never stayed, but again - young & naive), I get pregnant with our first child. Still know it's going on, still "accusing", I knew it was happening, but didn't have proof. I got sick of "nagging" and eventually stopped asking (basically pushing it to the back of my head, even though I knew it was going on). When our daughter was 2, he proposed. I said yes (again, young & naive & now a child together).
A year later, we were married and bought a house shortly thereafter. Still know it's going on, still asking him about it. I'm now to the point where I actually FEEL like a crazy person. (I must make clear; I had found things as well; baggies, lines, razor blades one 6 different occasions, so it wasn't only in my head)
A year later, I get pregnant with our second. While pregnant, they find through ultrasound that our son has a tumor on his lung and he will need surgery immediately after being born or it will grow and push his heart out of the way and it would kill him. We were back and forth to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (we live an hour away) once a week until he was born. After he was born, I decided I was going to take some time off of work and be home with them. He had surgery at 5 weeks old. (let me clarify, he was FINE after the surgery, they removed the tumor and there are no other problems). This time off, was HARD for us financially. Our middle class income had been split and we had a brand new mortgage, so it was tough. When our son is 18 months old, I decide to go back to work. (still new it was going on at least every Thursday when he was with his friends)
Fast forward until October 2013, we had some friends over for dinner and him and his one friend went down into my family room and did coke. I knew they did, I could tell and it confirmed all of the feelings that I had for years prior. The next day, I call his friend on the phone and ask them if they did it. (Because I had already asked my husband repeatedly) He said yes. I call my husband and ask him the same. He did not respond and it took him HOURS to finally admit that he did it, but when he did, he did tell me that he had been doing it for years. My world came crashing down, but not because he had lied (I knew he was lying) but because he made me out to be a complete psycho every time I brought it up. I should have left right then and there, but I didn't. Now, here we are almost a year later - I don't think he's done it, but how can I be sure? - we decide we are going to work on fixing things. I've tried my hardest. We've gone to counseling for the past few mont hs (dropped thousands on that) and I cannot get past it. I want a divorce. I don't love him anymore, I feel nothing but resentment. I've been lied to, literally, my entire adult life (18-29) by the one person that I trusted with my whole heart and soul. And now I want out, I tried to get past it and over it and I can't. I've done research on kids & divorce and I've come to terms that it will be hard. They are my first priority and will continue to be.
Thoughts? Advice? I'm sorry this is so long.
Here's my story:
I'm 29 (30 in a month), Have been with my now husband since I was 18, married for the past 4.5 years (he's 8 years older than me). We have a house and two kids together, 7 & 3. When my husband and I first started dating, I made it perfectly clear to him (it may have even been our first date) that there is one thing, above cheating, that I will never, ever tolerate and that is drugs (namely cocaine) because I knew he had been into it before we started dating. Above all else, that is one thing that I will not have crossed and I will leave if you do it. I was 18, young, naive, first serious relationship, etc etc.
Fast forward a few months (literally, only months) and I knew it was going on. I would ask him about it and he would flip out, make me seem like a crazy person for even asking. This went on for years. About once a week/once every two weeks.
Fast forward to three years into our relationship (I know, I should have never stayed, but again - young & naive), I get pregnant with our first child. Still know it's going on, still "accusing", I knew it was happening, but didn't have proof. I got sick of "nagging" and eventually stopped asking (basically pushing it to the back of my head, even though I knew it was going on). When our daughter was 2, he proposed. I said yes (again, young & naive & now a child together).
A year later, we were married and bought a house shortly thereafter. Still know it's going on, still asking him about it. I'm now to the point where I actually FEEL like a crazy person. (I must make clear; I had found things as well; baggies, lines, razor blades one 6 different occasions, so it wasn't only in my head)
A year later, I get pregnant with our second. While pregnant, they find through ultrasound that our son has a tumor on his lung and he will need surgery immediately after being born or it will grow and push his heart out of the way and it would kill him. We were back and forth to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (we live an hour away) once a week until he was born. After he was born, I decided I was going to take some time off of work and be home with them. He had surgery at 5 weeks old. (let me clarify, he was FINE after the surgery, they removed the tumor and there are no other problems). This time off, was HARD for us financially. Our middle class income had been split and we had a brand new mortgage, so it was tough. When our son is 18 months old, I decide to go back to work. (still new it was going on at least every Thursday when he was with his friends)
Fast forward until October 2013, we had some friends over for dinner and him and his one friend went down into my family room and did coke. I knew they did, I could tell and it confirmed all of the feelings that I had for years prior. The next day, I call his friend on the phone and ask them if they did it. (Because I had already asked my husband repeatedly) He said yes. I call my husband and ask him the same. He did not respond and it took him HOURS to finally admit that he did it, but when he did, he did tell me that he had been doing it for years. My world came crashing down, but not because he had lied (I knew he was lying) but because he made me out to be a complete psycho every time I brought it up. I should have left right then and there, but I didn't. Now, here we are almost a year later - I don't think he's done it, but how can I be sure? - we decide we are going to work on fixing things. I've tried my hardest. We've gone to counseling for the past few mont hs (dropped thousands on that) and I cannot get past it. I want a divorce. I don't love him anymore, I feel nothing but resentment. I've been lied to, literally, my entire adult life (18-29) by the one person that I trusted with my whole heart and soul. And now I want out, I tried to get past it and over it and I can't. I've done research on kids & divorce and I've come to terms that it will be hard. They are my first priority and will continue to be.
Thoughts? Advice? I'm sorry this is so long.
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