So.
Many riddles I am hoping that some women out there can offer possible insight to help solve.
I am certainly in the prototypical HD (me) married to LD (my wife). And all the assorted angst that goes along with that.
But was hoping to understand enough the curious blend of assorted actions/behaviors that are hard to understand. My extreme desire and hope in all this is to get us back in a good place. I love my wife. I want my marriage. And I want the closeness, affection, intimacy that we once had again.
Like many in this forum, our sex life started well. While the reality was that I had more experience and approached sex in a far more free and open manner, we really connected and it was passionate, hot, and often. As time went on (and after children) she seemed to "put sex aside" for the most part. We still had it, but there was almost no energy coming from her toward it any longer and the frequency began a long slow slide downward.
Let me throw out some parts….
1. Initiating. My wife simply does not initiate. Long ago there was a very little bit of that, but in all these years it literally still can be counted on 2 hands. I am left to initiate. That has left me wrestling with 2 wonders. Does this mean (perhaps obvious) that she does not desire sex? Me?(ouch) She has made a comment long ago that sex has just never been a high priority to her.
The second issue here – is that when I DO initiate …most all times I am either rejected in a passive way (too tired, not feeling well, ect..) or – worse yet – in a more aggressive way. "You are "pushing" me. Now here is the thing. I LONG ago – stopped simply being natural. I the sense that if I looked at her on a weekend and had desire for her….I let myself approach her and initiate.
I now am keenly aware that it has to wait until it has "been a while" …and my approach needs to be (or to protect myself maybe) very round about and way open to her (hopefully gently (rebuffing me. So when she states she feels "pushed" I really do not know how to handle that. I certainly am not pushing her. Or she will say "we JUST had sex 2 weeks ago…!" "It's ever enough"…
2. Many curious issues have been a part of our sexual life that I cannot really understand. I want to throw them out there to see if anyone has thoughts.
In a discussion at one point she has said that "sex has always stressed her out".
She has - from the very beginning – seemed to always need alcohol prior to us having sex.
It 99 percent of the time HAS to be completely dark in the room. (not a favorite of mine).
We have made love in the morning or day – approx. 2 times over many years.
Impulsive sex – has never been acceptable. It needs to be almost well stated I advance. In fact , even when we DO decide to go upstairs – the routine is – that she needs us to talk for many times close to 2 hours in bed – as she drinks 2-4 glasses of wine..and THEN I am always the one who begins by making a move toward her. IF I do "too soon"…she will say .."can you please slow down…is this all you think about?" So there is this curious sense that we can never just run upstairs and just "do it". It can almost never be "purposeful"…"intended"….it almost always has to be an afterthought. I realize this may be tough to explain…but it almost seems that if I showcase a purposed desire to her….it causes her stress.(??) But if I wait for her to make the moves…she never will.
I can go on…but to keep this post to some proper length, I am struggling with many confounds that just do not add up.
My wife says she is committed to our marriage, loves me, and wants us to be together.
But the lack of intimacy in our life together is truly killing me.
For me, I have had a very wonderful and happy sex life my entire life. It was always a positive force and shared may wonderful times. I must add that when I met my wife,
I perhaps for the first time understood the notion that when you meet your soul mate – that one truly connected person – sex transcends to a very different place. Everything about her turned my on. Her mind, her heart, her soul. (and her physically. In fact she is perfect to me). It all still does. Which is why – the irony of this it almost too much to bear at times.
Hoping for some help to understand.
Many riddles I am hoping that some women out there can offer possible insight to help solve.
I am certainly in the prototypical HD (me) married to LD (my wife). And all the assorted angst that goes along with that.
But was hoping to understand enough the curious blend of assorted actions/behaviors that are hard to understand. My extreme desire and hope in all this is to get us back in a good place. I love my wife. I want my marriage. And I want the closeness, affection, intimacy that we once had again.
Like many in this forum, our sex life started well. While the reality was that I had more experience and approached sex in a far more free and open manner, we really connected and it was passionate, hot, and often. As time went on (and after children) she seemed to "put sex aside" for the most part. We still had it, but there was almost no energy coming from her toward it any longer and the frequency began a long slow slide downward.
Let me throw out some parts….
1. Initiating. My wife simply does not initiate. Long ago there was a very little bit of that, but in all these years it literally still can be counted on 2 hands. I am left to initiate. That has left me wrestling with 2 wonders. Does this mean (perhaps obvious) that she does not desire sex? Me?(ouch) She has made a comment long ago that sex has just never been a high priority to her.
The second issue here – is that when I DO initiate …most all times I am either rejected in a passive way (too tired, not feeling well, ect..) or – worse yet – in a more aggressive way. "You are "pushing" me. Now here is the thing. I LONG ago – stopped simply being natural. I the sense that if I looked at her on a weekend and had desire for her….I let myself approach her and initiate.
I now am keenly aware that it has to wait until it has "been a while" …and my approach needs to be (or to protect myself maybe) very round about and way open to her (hopefully gently (rebuffing me. So when she states she feels "pushed" I really do not know how to handle that. I certainly am not pushing her. Or she will say "we JUST had sex 2 weeks ago…!" "It's ever enough"…
2. Many curious issues have been a part of our sexual life that I cannot really understand. I want to throw them out there to see if anyone has thoughts.
In a discussion at one point she has said that "sex has always stressed her out".
She has - from the very beginning – seemed to always need alcohol prior to us having sex.
It 99 percent of the time HAS to be completely dark in the room. (not a favorite of mine).
We have made love in the morning or day – approx. 2 times over many years.
Impulsive sex – has never been acceptable. It needs to be almost well stated I advance. In fact , even when we DO decide to go upstairs – the routine is – that she needs us to talk for many times close to 2 hours in bed – as she drinks 2-4 glasses of wine..and THEN I am always the one who begins by making a move toward her. IF I do "too soon"…she will say .."can you please slow down…is this all you think about?" So there is this curious sense that we can never just run upstairs and just "do it". It can almost never be "purposeful"…"intended"….it almost always has to be an afterthought. I realize this may be tough to explain…but it almost seems that if I showcase a purposed desire to her….it causes her stress.(??) But if I wait for her to make the moves…she never will.
I can go on…but to keep this post to some proper length, I am struggling with many confounds that just do not add up.
My wife says she is committed to our marriage, loves me, and wants us to be together.
But the lack of intimacy in our life together is truly killing me.
For me, I have had a very wonderful and happy sex life my entire life. It was always a positive force and shared may wonderful times. I must add that when I met my wife,
I perhaps for the first time understood the notion that when you meet your soul mate – that one truly connected person – sex transcends to a very different place. Everything about her turned my on. Her mind, her heart, her soul. (and her physically. In fact she is perfect to me). It all still does. Which is why – the irony of this it almost too much to bear at times.
Hoping for some help to understand.
Put the internet to work for you.
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