Ok, so... I don't expect any of you to remember this, but a few months back I was going through a perplexing and confusing time around being married and feeling attracted to other men (specifically black men, don't analyse me please). Well it's always been there, just dormant and have just not gone there in my mind by choice, as you do as a married woman. Well, that's still there and probably always will be, but the circumstances that arose around that time have settled alot. The circumstances were that during a good but unsettling time in my marriage (H in job limbo and selling our property to buy a house), for whatever reason I found myself having inappropriate thoughts about other men and my radar was a bit switched on. On the space of a week, a gut I happened to meet in a normal, appropriate situation flirted and asked me out, I said no but in my frame of mind at the time I enjoyed the attention and I said I was in a relationship of 4 months, rathe r than a marriage of 6 years. No details were exchanged, I have no chance of seeing him again, but my response to that situation troubled me.
A second situation arose, again the situation itself was innocent (a new bible study group at work). I sensed this guy (who I found attractive but made absolutely none of that evident) was interested. I didn't know I was supposed to bring a bible, and this guy who ended up sitting himself next to me shared his iPad app with me. Well... sitting close with this guy, personal space, in my frame of mind, was not helpful. I had gone back to that bible study a second time, same thing happened, but have not been back since.
Although I got through both trials, I felt weakened somehow.
There was.a third situation which I have not shared in detail, and this is something I find hard to share as I know many here have been hurt. On the offset, olive will say that nothing "happened". I was in a crazy frame of mind and those two earlier situations did not help. I am wondering now if it was a manic episode or something like that (yes I am Bipolar). for this reason I increased my mess which seemed to help. I was also having sleep issues for months leading up to that week.
So what happened the third time was that I was googling things I shouldn't be, and I found someone in my area on craigslist and sent a message. In the week that followed, a few messages went back and forth. I told him straight out that I was married and not sure if this was for me, but possibly interested in a one off discreet affair. He said he was open to it. Nothing explicit was exchanged,.it, no racy photos, sexual talk, but we arranged to talk on the phone. That conversation was more, how does this kind of thing work, what are.you looking for etc. The second chat was say a week layer, I told him I had made my decision and that I couldn't go down this path
Between the two conversions, and over this whole time, olive was really troubled, praying to God for help, telling myself I need to talk to H and turn away from this immediately. I did manage to find the courage to talk to him, it was really really difficult and I got through the first two but didn't make it to situation no 3. But it made me realise that I did not want to go through with this or hurt him in this way. Even though it was not a full confession, it was very sobering bringing this into the light.
The temptation is still.there, but I don't feel like it's taking over my mind. But it's not completely gone.
I know I should tell him the rest, I know that's the tight.thing.to do, even though in my mind I could try to justify.it saying "well nothing happened so there's nothing to confess"
This is all I can write for now. Thx for reading, will share installment no 2 tomorrow re the H's sex.addiction which adds a whole bunch of fun to the mix
Peace
Posted via Mobile Device
A second situation arose, again the situation itself was innocent (a new bible study group at work). I sensed this guy (who I found attractive but made absolutely none of that evident) was interested. I didn't know I was supposed to bring a bible, and this guy who ended up sitting himself next to me shared his iPad app with me. Well... sitting close with this guy, personal space, in my frame of mind, was not helpful. I had gone back to that bible study a second time, same thing happened, but have not been back since.
Although I got through both trials, I felt weakened somehow.
There was.a third situation which I have not shared in detail, and this is something I find hard to share as I know many here have been hurt. On the offset, olive will say that nothing "happened". I was in a crazy frame of mind and those two earlier situations did not help. I am wondering now if it was a manic episode or something like that (yes I am Bipolar). for this reason I increased my mess which seemed to help. I was also having sleep issues for months leading up to that week.
So what happened the third time was that I was googling things I shouldn't be, and I found someone in my area on craigslist and sent a message. In the week that followed, a few messages went back and forth. I told him straight out that I was married and not sure if this was for me, but possibly interested in a one off discreet affair. He said he was open to it. Nothing explicit was exchanged,.it, no racy photos, sexual talk, but we arranged to talk on the phone. That conversation was more, how does this kind of thing work, what are.you looking for etc. The second chat was say a week layer, I told him I had made my decision and that I couldn't go down this path
Between the two conversions, and over this whole time, olive was really troubled, praying to God for help, telling myself I need to talk to H and turn away from this immediately. I did manage to find the courage to talk to him, it was really really difficult and I got through the first two but didn't make it to situation no 3. But it made me realise that I did not want to go through with this or hurt him in this way. Even though it was not a full confession, it was very sobering bringing this into the light.
The temptation is still.there, but I don't feel like it's taking over my mind. But it's not completely gone.
I know I should tell him the rest, I know that's the tight.thing.to do, even though in my mind I could try to justify.it saying "well nothing happened so there's nothing to confess"
This is all I can write for now. Thx for reading, will share installment no 2 tomorrow re the H's sex.addiction which adds a whole bunch of fun to the mix
Peace
Posted via Mobile Device
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