I was told I should start my own thread..., and I would love some help. Unfortunately, I don't get to check-in very often throughout the day, and sometimes only once a day. I promise, if you read this and reply, I will be back as soon as I can. Thank you in advance.
This is long and digging up very old bones – I hope someone will please take the time to read and reply anyway.
In my defense, I did not find any "infidelity" websites until five YEARS after my D-Day in 2006 and even then, did not find TAM until several years after that. After obsessively reading everything I could, I NOW know that I did everything WRONG upon learning of my husband's betrayal. And, because of that, I cannot heal.
I am writing this today for several reasons:
1. I really, really still need confirmation from experienced TAMers that this was an AFFAIR – and I am not a psycho.
2. A cautionary tale for newly betrayed not to get stuck in LIMBO and to utilize the very short window of opportunity between discovery and rugsweeping
3. Seeking advice for finally putting this behind me; something I have not been able to do despite several (bad) counselors, good advice from my mom and best friend, prayer, etc.
I am married to the Prince of Rugsweepers and Gaslighters and I am his beloved Queen of Denial.
In the beginning (2005-ish) knew something was drastically changing in him; but infidelity was not really on my radar:
• New friends (co-workers at new job)
• New clothes
• Working out
• New – lost his faith (how's that for "Justifying"!!)
• New desire for "keeping up with the Jones" (wanted bigger TV, Ipod)
• New grooming habits (shaving his head more frequently; manscaping)
• New schedule (more late nights/weekends) at work
• HAPPY HOURS with coworkers for first time in 16 years (I was NOT allowed to participate – he claimed was "NETWORKING" for a better job.)
• Perpetually angry, nitpicking, nothing up to his standards, nothing good enough.
I started suspecting someone else in Summer 2005 and progressively worsening through Fall 2005. I asked if maybe somebody at work was sparking his interest. He told me I was CRAZY, psycho, paranoid… I believed I was. I had NEVER had these suspicions before.
His married co-worker (MCOW) started a new job in March 2006 and THAT was then they had to start using texts and cell phone calls to stay in touch.
I got a version of ILYBINILWY in April 2006 for the first time in 16 years – he wanted a divorce after a stupid minor argument.
I accidentally discovered their calls May 2006 while looking at our cell phone bill to figure out WHY WE KEPT GOING OVER OUR MINUTES!
Though, I did not like it, I stupidly took his word for it that they were "just friends." He claimed he had "hidden" her because of my "jealousy issues" (which I do not even have!). I demand that he stop talking to her – so, I guess I didn't really believe him.
As the months went on, I kept OBSESSIVELY thinking about all of the inconsistencies and his behavior changes… He was actually quite cruel during this period, never even pretending to care or try helping me to "heal" from his betrayal. All he ever admitted to was "hiding" a friendship with a co-worker – to avoid my jealousy.
Upon finding another Infidelity forum, I realized:
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he was "in love" with **** and didn't care that I was mortally wounded.
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he wanted to be single – had convinced himself that 16yrs and 3 children no longer mattered.
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he DID NOT CARE about me or the pain I was in.
HE FELT NO REMORSE.
All of those years, I thought his GUILT was crippling him. Now, I see that it was his 'love' for her (anger that I had caught on) and his lack of REMORSE.
Several years go by, with me in a black pit of depression that is never really far from me even now, I realized that he might NEVER HAVE ACTUALLY STOPPED CONTACT WITH HER!
In early 2011, WH suddenly started acting weird about attending an annual conference in Denver in July. This was an annual work trip that he had made nearly every year since DDay – without any weirdness that I had noticed then.
My "gut" hadn't screamed like this for years. So, I pretended to be "her" and confirmed that his MCOW would be attending the conference. Remarkably, that thought had never crossed my mind in prior years. I tried to tell myself, there would be thousands of attendees and that he could be going and not be seeing her there. (Gaslighting myself?)
I started secretly digging in an amateurish way trying to find evidence he was going to meet her there. He hardly uses home computer any more but he disabled two key-loggers I installed (without ever mentioning them!)
He has a smart phone with a million apps to chat, etc. (No evidence on phone bill.) His work hours are fairly regular and there have been no obvious (weak) lies – or atleast none that I have noticed.
But... Viola! I discovered a secret hidden Facebook (under an old neighborhood nickname) with over 200 mostly female friends from high school. I didn't know he even used FB… his other profile (with me and the kids listed) was NEVER active.
At first he denied the account was even his. He refused to let me have access. When I pushed, he finally tried to give me his "archived history" without any "messages". I insisted he give me those as well, but by that point, he had deleted anything incriminating.
So, even without finding any evidence of HER, this was finally ENOUGH. I went to a lawyer and had Separation papers drawn (in my state, must be legally separated for one-year before D.) and told him to leave. We agreed to keep things amicable and were sitting in a counselor's office to talk about how to break the news to our three boys (ages 12, 10, and 8 at the time.) Something must have "clicked" for him, because he suddenly (after signing a lease on an apartment and purchasing furniture for it) decides he wants to try to work things out. I agreed and did not put any parameters on it (stupid, I know.) but at the time, I was (stupidly) relieved.
Now, if he would *just* admit it – I know I could move on and start to repair our relationship. Not too long ago, I again demanded the "whole truth." He swears I have it. He refuses to discuss his secret Facebook (which he deleted.) He also (after several years had passed) gave me his one and only apology – saying he didn't realize how wrong it was (since it was just an innocent friendship) – but suddenly (after 5-ish yrs?) he knew he was 'wrong' and apologized.
Today, eight years later, things are most definitely "better" between us… rugsweeping does have its advantages – weekend camping trips with boys, day trips, vacations, date nights – never marred by ugly discussions.
But, my pain is keeping me from fully re-engaging my heart. Because he never admitted the TRUTH, we skipped the next step in the healing process and so, here I am.
Thanks, again, in advance.
This is long and digging up very old bones – I hope someone will please take the time to read and reply anyway.
In my defense, I did not find any "infidelity" websites until five YEARS after my D-Day in 2006 and even then, did not find TAM until several years after that. After obsessively reading everything I could, I NOW know that I did everything WRONG upon learning of my husband's betrayal. And, because of that, I cannot heal.
I am writing this today for several reasons:
1. I really, really still need confirmation from experienced TAMers that this was an AFFAIR – and I am not a psycho.
2. A cautionary tale for newly betrayed not to get stuck in LIMBO and to utilize the very short window of opportunity between discovery and rugsweeping
3. Seeking advice for finally putting this behind me; something I have not been able to do despite several (bad) counselors, good advice from my mom and best friend, prayer, etc.
I am married to the Prince of Rugsweepers and Gaslighters and I am his beloved Queen of Denial.
In the beginning (2005-ish) knew something was drastically changing in him; but infidelity was not really on my radar:
• New friends (co-workers at new job)
• New clothes
• Working out
• New – lost his faith (how's that for "Justifying"!!)
• New desire for "keeping up with the Jones" (wanted bigger TV, Ipod)
• New grooming habits (shaving his head more frequently; manscaping)
• New schedule (more late nights/weekends) at work
• HAPPY HOURS with coworkers for first time in 16 years (I was NOT allowed to participate – he claimed was "NETWORKING" for a better job.)
• Perpetually angry, nitpicking, nothing up to his standards, nothing good enough.
I started suspecting someone else in Summer 2005 and progressively worsening through Fall 2005. I asked if maybe somebody at work was sparking his interest. He told me I was CRAZY, psycho, paranoid… I believed I was. I had NEVER had these suspicions before.
His married co-worker (MCOW) started a new job in March 2006 and THAT was then they had to start using texts and cell phone calls to stay in touch.
I got a version of ILYBINILWY in April 2006 for the first time in 16 years – he wanted a divorce after a stupid minor argument.
I accidentally discovered their calls May 2006 while looking at our cell phone bill to figure out WHY WE KEPT GOING OVER OUR MINUTES!
Though, I did not like it, I stupidly took his word for it that they were "just friends." He claimed he had "hidden" her because of my "jealousy issues" (which I do not even have!). I demand that he stop talking to her – so, I guess I didn't really believe him.
As the months went on, I kept OBSESSIVELY thinking about all of the inconsistencies and his behavior changes… He was actually quite cruel during this period, never even pretending to care or try helping me to "heal" from his betrayal. All he ever admitted to was "hiding" a friendship with a co-worker – to avoid my jealousy.
Upon finding another Infidelity forum, I realized:
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he was "in love" with **** and didn't care that I was mortally wounded.
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he wanted to be single – had convinced himself that 16yrs and 3 children no longer mattered.
• He was stone cold to me after DDay because he DID NOT CARE about me or the pain I was in.
HE FELT NO REMORSE.
All of those years, I thought his GUILT was crippling him. Now, I see that it was his 'love' for her (anger that I had caught on) and his lack of REMORSE.
Several years go by, with me in a black pit of depression that is never really far from me even now, I realized that he might NEVER HAVE ACTUALLY STOPPED CONTACT WITH HER!
In early 2011, WH suddenly started acting weird about attending an annual conference in Denver in July. This was an annual work trip that he had made nearly every year since DDay – without any weirdness that I had noticed then.
My "gut" hadn't screamed like this for years. So, I pretended to be "her" and confirmed that his MCOW would be attending the conference. Remarkably, that thought had never crossed my mind in prior years. I tried to tell myself, there would be thousands of attendees and that he could be going and not be seeing her there. (Gaslighting myself?)
I started secretly digging in an amateurish way trying to find evidence he was going to meet her there. He hardly uses home computer any more but he disabled two key-loggers I installed (without ever mentioning them!)
He has a smart phone with a million apps to chat, etc. (No evidence on phone bill.) His work hours are fairly regular and there have been no obvious (weak) lies – or atleast none that I have noticed.
But... Viola! I discovered a secret hidden Facebook (under an old neighborhood nickname) with over 200 mostly female friends from high school. I didn't know he even used FB… his other profile (with me and the kids listed) was NEVER active.
At first he denied the account was even his. He refused to let me have access. When I pushed, he finally tried to give me his "archived history" without any "messages". I insisted he give me those as well, but by that point, he had deleted anything incriminating.
So, even without finding any evidence of HER, this was finally ENOUGH. I went to a lawyer and had Separation papers drawn (in my state, must be legally separated for one-year before D.) and told him to leave. We agreed to keep things amicable and were sitting in a counselor's office to talk about how to break the news to our three boys (ages 12, 10, and 8 at the time.) Something must have "clicked" for him, because he suddenly (after signing a lease on an apartment and purchasing furniture for it) decides he wants to try to work things out. I agreed and did not put any parameters on it (stupid, I know.) but at the time, I was (stupidly) relieved.
Now, if he would *just* admit it – I know I could move on and start to repair our relationship. Not too long ago, I again demanded the "whole truth." He swears I have it. He refuses to discuss his secret Facebook (which he deleted.) He also (after several years had passed) gave me his one and only apology – saying he didn't realize how wrong it was (since it was just an innocent friendship) – but suddenly (after 5-ish yrs?) he knew he was 'wrong' and apologized.
Today, eight years later, things are most definitely "better" between us… rugsweeping does have its advantages – weekend camping trips with boys, day trips, vacations, date nights – never marred by ugly discussions.
But, my pain is keeping me from fully re-engaging my heart. Because he never admitted the TRUTH, we skipped the next step in the healing process and so, here I am.
Thanks, again, in advance.
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