Edit 1: Sorry I forgot to explain the relationship. I am 34M and she is a 35F. Been married almost 5 years together for about 7. No kids, we can't have kids which is where part of the problem started.
Hello all. I found out about a week ago that my wife was cheating on me and it's been going on for a while and with more than one person. I am copying and pasting my story from another website as I am slow typer. So the story below may be a little choppy and incoherent as I have updated as I find more information or answer questions or as my emotions continue to change. It's a bit of a long read, but you can skim through it to get most of the details. I did not edit anything as I generally type/chat in a stream of consciousness mode. So there may be some rambling, but it will be more accurate to my state of mind when I was typing it. Obviously I am on an emotional roller-coaster and trying to get the damn ride to slow down at the moment.
First post, this was about 7 days ago:
Sorry for typos and bad grammar. I am shaking as I type this. I will try to clean it up later.
Ok. So we have been married 5 years now and I was as happy as could be. We fell in love pretty quickly early on and only dated for about 1 year before getting married. both of us had been in serious/long-term relationships before but never married.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago and things slowed up a bit with us mainly because of trying to have kids and work. Nothing too bad but it certainly puts a strain on the relationship.
A couple of months ago we started going to a marriage counselor. I was still happy, but she was not. I agreed to this as I want my wife to be happy and this was the right solution to get us there. We go and she seems to like it and thinks that it is helping. I continue because I am hoping that it will improve things.
So I grab her phone one day a week ago to see what time it is. I unlock the screen and there is a picture of some naked dude (not off a porn). I'm like wtf? So I look and see it was texted to her. It's a coworker of hers from out of town where she had been two weeks prior working. I look through the history of their texts and there are other photos going back and forth. None of actual sex and none of hers are nude (lingerie). Lots of sexual innuendos being used and just blatant "I want to screw you" comments. I am now steaming, and decide to do some research before confronting her.
I look into her facebook posts and emails when and where I can. I see on facebook and other people she has texted that she has at least talked dirty with multiple other people. And she has messages about how she sent pics (but there are no pics, so I assume she has another account or deleted them after sending). She also talks to people about how she 'hooked up' with someone. I have yet to actually get copies of anything for my own physical evidence. So she could still remove these things. I have yet to see anything that is a pic of her having sex or the words "I had sex with___."
So the last week or so I have not slept, I'm shaking, I have irritable bowels, my heart is beating out of my chest, I have to take a sleeping pill each night just to get some rest. I'm not suicidal but it certainly feels like that would make my life easier at this point.
Sadly, I still love this person but I know the feeling is not mutual. I want to discuss it with her. I want to believe she has not slept with someone else and is just getting off on sexting because it works for her while we are going through a rough patch.
Here is my plan at the moment:
Change all my passwords for anything online. I will open up a PO box, new bank account, and apply for a new credit card. Also, I will get any finical documents and have her removed as a beneficiary. I will put a credit lock on myself. Our house is in my name. We have money in savings (not a fortune, but a decent amount). Everything we have is joint account as well. So, after I have everything set up I plan on getting screen shots of as much information as possible. Compile my data and sit down with her. I will record the conversation and simply start out with asking if she has ever had sex with someone else. If she answers yes then I will see where the conversation leads, but I will immediately transfer the savings account to my new account. If she says no I will confront her with the evidence I have. Basically, I will just say his name and then present pics as needed.
At this point I am looking for any help in this subject. Everything from the relationship to legal. I am completely devastated right now, but I know I have to protect myself from further damage down the road. Also, I know the 'right' thing to do is to just be upfront and direct with your partner and I have tried to do that with the counseling.
EDIT: So first I want to say thank you for all the replies and support. I did contact a lawyer today and hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow. They specialize in mens rights and come highly recommended in my area. Of course I plan on getting the screenshots ASAP, but I can't be obvious about it. To clarify about the money transfer I have no intentions of keeping all the money. I have just heard of stories where the money can be moved and it can be a nightmare to get it back (I am having trust issues for obvious reasons). I also had the idea of getting a storage unit to protect certain sentimental and valuable items. Things like my jewelry,diplomas,trophies,and guns (for safety reasons, this would include her gun as well). Lastly, before I confront her I feel it may be best to meet with our marriage counselor alone to discuss this issue as she may have some insight on how to handle it. Thanks again everyone.
This is the second post (4 days after the first post):
Sorry if there are any space-bar errors on this message as I am using a crappy keyboard and I do not have a spellchecker on this computer. As well as I have been drinking. So I did my work on getting a PO box, bank account, credit cards, etc. I spoke with a highly recommended law firm in my area about what I can and can't do.
The law firm was very helpful and told me that since the phone and tablets remain unlocked and are owned by us I can use that information so long as I do not have to enter a password or go into her purse to get them. I was told that 50/50 on splitting things is how it would probably go if we go down the road of a divorce. I forgot to ask about the recording, but I don't think that will really matter.
I spoke with our marriage counselor and explained to them what I knew. I was told that if I did not confront my spouse before coming into our next session that they would bring this up. Understood, and I want it on the table as well as I am in so much pain it's killing me.
So, I got most of the text data and all of the Facebook data. I also screen-printed the other items. I have as much evidence as I would ever need. She actually walked in on me tonight gathering my last bit of evidence.
It was showtime, because she wanted to know what I was doing with her phone. Obviously, I had run this conversation through my head a thousand times at this point. I have nothing to hide so I told her to sit down. From what I could tell when I started she had no clue. I was stumbling at first as I am so hurt. ****ed up thing, I still love this woman. I started by saying that I had a lot of things to say and that I wanted her to remain silent the entire time. She agreed. I mumbled a little and tried to figure out where to begin and how to broach the subject. Eventually I got going and got about 25 minutes in before even stopping. Overall conversation was about 45 minutes before I walked out. Only words she got in were "you don't deserve this" and how much she loved me.
Maybe the biggest disappointment to most of you guys is that I still love this person. It makes no sense to me as to why I should try and fix this relationship or give her the opportunity. I can't explain it. I was 'in love' once before when I got cheated on in a drunken stupor. I was done on the spot and I was healed within a month (6-year relationship). In this situation I can't imagine how to live without her. ****ed up right?
Anyways, I left for the night. As much as I wanted to hold her and convince myself that we can fix this I couldn't be in the same room. It's like being a cutter. I love this person who is a bag of razorblades. I love them so much, but I can't hug them because it will cut me too pieces.
I told her she has one chance but she has to talk to our counselor first. Since all of our friends and family are mutual and I know she has spoken with a few of them about cheating I can trust none of them.
She messaged me that she spoke with one friend and that she would be speaking with the counselor in the morrow.
I know a lot people will boo this and tell me to kick her to the kerb. I would have always agreed before, but I can't explain the amount of emotion and love I feel. It hurts me beyond my own beliefs to the point of being almost suicidal(I'm not going to do it). But holy **** are my thoughts completely irrational the last few days.
I did tell her this will be a very difficult road and that I can't promise it will work. I told her she will not like the changes and what she will have to do to fix it. But she said she wants to at least go back to the counselor. I will update yet again when I have more information.
Thanks again to everyone for reading and dealing with my ****ting typing. This is currently the only place I feel like I can safely vent.
Edit 1: Fix all the crappy typing from last night. I am surprised the pitchforks didn't come out over the spelling errors.
Edit 2: Lots of good advice. One thing I forgot to mention is that she did get tested for STD's and came back clean, but as I told her I can't trust what she says. So I still need to get tested myself.
Edit 3:So I have up-voted everyone because I know we all see relationships differently and relate to them from our own experiences. Everyone here is trying to be helpful in their best way and I appreciate this even if it is a critical comment on me. One thing I have always said about relationships is no one understands whats going on unless they are in that relationship. The burden is on her, not me at this point. She has spoken to one of her close friends and had mentioned speaking to her parents about it, but she hasn't (at least to my knowledge). At the end of the day I am torn between running to the hills and shouting to everyone she knows about what she did and trying to reconcile with the person I love. I know she is not the person I fell in love with years ago, and that she will never be that person again. I do know that a lot of that person is still there though and the reason for going to counseling is to find out if that person will come back and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Edit 4: One question I have. Since it has been confirmed she was cheating on me before we went to counseling. Why do you think she agreed to go to counseling? Also, things were getting better between us in these sessions. I know one of the biggest answers will be guilty conscious. But is it as simple as that? If it is I don't think she would still be willing to go.
Third post (about 2 days ago):
Question guys. I am struggling this weekend as her parents are in town. I don't do well with lying or talking over the phone. Do you think it is prudent to sit down and tell her parents? We only see them twice a year. I feel like this is an opportunity to make her hurt as much as I do(wrong reason to do it). But also an opportunity to see if she will actually tell them and give me some reason to believe she wants to fix the marriage. Thoughts/comments appreciated. Her parents leave town before we meet with the counselor.
Edit: I should explain that I have been on some different websites and it seems that this happens about half the time in the successful relationships after infidelity.
New to this site:
So, everything above this was from another site. Starting today I am at work right now. I am feeling physically a little better. I had my first almost normal BM in over a week. My back, shoulders and neck still hurt but are not seized up. However, I am getting into depression modes (5-stages of grief or something). Her parents left town this morning and we did not tell them. Unless she decided to tell them when they left. I was gone about 2 hours before they woke up. We have talked a little over the weekend and some went well and some went bad. She has a meeting with her therapist today. This therapist told her to divorce me about 6 months ago, so I am not overly thrilled about it. Tomorrow night we have a meeting with our counselor. I am sure I could ramble on for hours as my brain cannot shut it out and I can't focus on work harldy at all. I will leave it here and come back to update based on changes, questions, or comments. Thanks for listening.
Hello all. I found out about a week ago that my wife was cheating on me and it's been going on for a while and with more than one person. I am copying and pasting my story from another website as I am slow typer. So the story below may be a little choppy and incoherent as I have updated as I find more information or answer questions or as my emotions continue to change. It's a bit of a long read, but you can skim through it to get most of the details. I did not edit anything as I generally type/chat in a stream of consciousness mode. So there may be some rambling, but it will be more accurate to my state of mind when I was typing it. Obviously I am on an emotional roller-coaster and trying to get the damn ride to slow down at the moment.
First post, this was about 7 days ago:
Sorry for typos and bad grammar. I am shaking as I type this. I will try to clean it up later.
Ok. So we have been married 5 years now and I was as happy as could be. We fell in love pretty quickly early on and only dated for about 1 year before getting married. both of us had been in serious/long-term relationships before but never married.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago and things slowed up a bit with us mainly because of trying to have kids and work. Nothing too bad but it certainly puts a strain on the relationship.
A couple of months ago we started going to a marriage counselor. I was still happy, but she was not. I agreed to this as I want my wife to be happy and this was the right solution to get us there. We go and she seems to like it and thinks that it is helping. I continue because I am hoping that it will improve things.
So I grab her phone one day a week ago to see what time it is. I unlock the screen and there is a picture of some naked dude (not off a porn). I'm like wtf? So I look and see it was texted to her. It's a coworker of hers from out of town where she had been two weeks prior working. I look through the history of their texts and there are other photos going back and forth. None of actual sex and none of hers are nude (lingerie). Lots of sexual innuendos being used and just blatant "I want to screw you" comments. I am now steaming, and decide to do some research before confronting her.
I look into her facebook posts and emails when and where I can. I see on facebook and other people she has texted that she has at least talked dirty with multiple other people. And she has messages about how she sent pics (but there are no pics, so I assume she has another account or deleted them after sending). She also talks to people about how she 'hooked up' with someone. I have yet to actually get copies of anything for my own physical evidence. So she could still remove these things. I have yet to see anything that is a pic of her having sex or the words "I had sex with___."
So the last week or so I have not slept, I'm shaking, I have irritable bowels, my heart is beating out of my chest, I have to take a sleeping pill each night just to get some rest. I'm not suicidal but it certainly feels like that would make my life easier at this point.
Sadly, I still love this person but I know the feeling is not mutual. I want to discuss it with her. I want to believe she has not slept with someone else and is just getting off on sexting because it works for her while we are going through a rough patch.
Here is my plan at the moment:
Change all my passwords for anything online. I will open up a PO box, new bank account, and apply for a new credit card. Also, I will get any finical documents and have her removed as a beneficiary. I will put a credit lock on myself. Our house is in my name. We have money in savings (not a fortune, but a decent amount). Everything we have is joint account as well. So, after I have everything set up I plan on getting screen shots of as much information as possible. Compile my data and sit down with her. I will record the conversation and simply start out with asking if she has ever had sex with someone else. If she answers yes then I will see where the conversation leads, but I will immediately transfer the savings account to my new account. If she says no I will confront her with the evidence I have. Basically, I will just say his name and then present pics as needed.
At this point I am looking for any help in this subject. Everything from the relationship to legal. I am completely devastated right now, but I know I have to protect myself from further damage down the road. Also, I know the 'right' thing to do is to just be upfront and direct with your partner and I have tried to do that with the counseling.
EDIT: So first I want to say thank you for all the replies and support. I did contact a lawyer today and hopefully I will hear from them tomorrow. They specialize in mens rights and come highly recommended in my area. Of course I plan on getting the screenshots ASAP, but I can't be obvious about it. To clarify about the money transfer I have no intentions of keeping all the money. I have just heard of stories where the money can be moved and it can be a nightmare to get it back (I am having trust issues for obvious reasons). I also had the idea of getting a storage unit to protect certain sentimental and valuable items. Things like my jewelry,diplomas,trophies,and guns (for safety reasons, this would include her gun as well). Lastly, before I confront her I feel it may be best to meet with our marriage counselor alone to discuss this issue as she may have some insight on how to handle it. Thanks again everyone.
This is the second post (4 days after the first post):
Sorry if there are any space-bar errors on this message as I am using a crappy keyboard and I do not have a spellchecker on this computer. As well as I have been drinking. So I did my work on getting a PO box, bank account, credit cards, etc. I spoke with a highly recommended law firm in my area about what I can and can't do.
The law firm was very helpful and told me that since the phone and tablets remain unlocked and are owned by us I can use that information so long as I do not have to enter a password or go into her purse to get them. I was told that 50/50 on splitting things is how it would probably go if we go down the road of a divorce. I forgot to ask about the recording, but I don't think that will really matter.
I spoke with our marriage counselor and explained to them what I knew. I was told that if I did not confront my spouse before coming into our next session that they would bring this up. Understood, and I want it on the table as well as I am in so much pain it's killing me.
So, I got most of the text data and all of the Facebook data. I also screen-printed the other items. I have as much evidence as I would ever need. She actually walked in on me tonight gathering my last bit of evidence.
It was showtime, because she wanted to know what I was doing with her phone. Obviously, I had run this conversation through my head a thousand times at this point. I have nothing to hide so I told her to sit down. From what I could tell when I started she had no clue. I was stumbling at first as I am so hurt. ****ed up thing, I still love this woman. I started by saying that I had a lot of things to say and that I wanted her to remain silent the entire time. She agreed. I mumbled a little and tried to figure out where to begin and how to broach the subject. Eventually I got going and got about 25 minutes in before even stopping. Overall conversation was about 45 minutes before I walked out. Only words she got in were "you don't deserve this" and how much she loved me.
Maybe the biggest disappointment to most of you guys is that I still love this person. It makes no sense to me as to why I should try and fix this relationship or give her the opportunity. I can't explain it. I was 'in love' once before when I got cheated on in a drunken stupor. I was done on the spot and I was healed within a month (6-year relationship). In this situation I can't imagine how to live without her. ****ed up right?
Anyways, I left for the night. As much as I wanted to hold her and convince myself that we can fix this I couldn't be in the same room. It's like being a cutter. I love this person who is a bag of razorblades. I love them so much, but I can't hug them because it will cut me too pieces.
I told her she has one chance but she has to talk to our counselor first. Since all of our friends and family are mutual and I know she has spoken with a few of them about cheating I can trust none of them.
She messaged me that she spoke with one friend and that she would be speaking with the counselor in the morrow.
I know a lot people will boo this and tell me to kick her to the kerb. I would have always agreed before, but I can't explain the amount of emotion and love I feel. It hurts me beyond my own beliefs to the point of being almost suicidal(I'm not going to do it). But holy **** are my thoughts completely irrational the last few days.
I did tell her this will be a very difficult road and that I can't promise it will work. I told her she will not like the changes and what she will have to do to fix it. But she said she wants to at least go back to the counselor. I will update yet again when I have more information.
Thanks again to everyone for reading and dealing with my ****ting typing. This is currently the only place I feel like I can safely vent.
Edit 1: Fix all the crappy typing from last night. I am surprised the pitchforks didn't come out over the spelling errors.
Edit 2: Lots of good advice. One thing I forgot to mention is that she did get tested for STD's and came back clean, but as I told her I can't trust what she says. So I still need to get tested myself.
Edit 3:So I have up-voted everyone because I know we all see relationships differently and relate to them from our own experiences. Everyone here is trying to be helpful in their best way and I appreciate this even if it is a critical comment on me. One thing I have always said about relationships is no one understands whats going on unless they are in that relationship. The burden is on her, not me at this point. She has spoken to one of her close friends and had mentioned speaking to her parents about it, but she hasn't (at least to my knowledge). At the end of the day I am torn between running to the hills and shouting to everyone she knows about what she did and trying to reconcile with the person I love. I know she is not the person I fell in love with years ago, and that she will never be that person again. I do know that a lot of that person is still there though and the reason for going to counseling is to find out if that person will come back and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Edit 4: One question I have. Since it has been confirmed she was cheating on me before we went to counseling. Why do you think she agreed to go to counseling? Also, things were getting better between us in these sessions. I know one of the biggest answers will be guilty conscious. But is it as simple as that? If it is I don't think she would still be willing to go.
Third post (about 2 days ago):
Question guys. I am struggling this weekend as her parents are in town. I don't do well with lying or talking over the phone. Do you think it is prudent to sit down and tell her parents? We only see them twice a year. I feel like this is an opportunity to make her hurt as much as I do(wrong reason to do it). But also an opportunity to see if she will actually tell them and give me some reason to believe she wants to fix the marriage. Thoughts/comments appreciated. Her parents leave town before we meet with the counselor.
Edit: I should explain that I have been on some different websites and it seems that this happens about half the time in the successful relationships after infidelity.
New to this site:
So, everything above this was from another site. Starting today I am at work right now. I am feeling physically a little better. I had my first almost normal BM in over a week. My back, shoulders and neck still hurt but are not seized up. However, I am getting into depression modes (5-stages of grief or something). Her parents left town this morning and we did not tell them. Unless she decided to tell them when they left. I was gone about 2 hours before they woke up. We have talked a little over the weekend and some went well and some went bad. She has a meeting with her therapist today. This therapist told her to divorce me about 6 months ago, so I am not overly thrilled about it. Tomorrow night we have a meeting with our counselor. I am sure I could ramble on for hours as my brain cannot shut it out and I can't focus on work harldy at all. I will leave it here and come back to update based on changes, questions, or comments. Thanks for listening.
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