I have been reading a lot on this site and am amazed and how similar my story is to so many others. This is my first time posting and I am hoping to get a lot of advice because i am at such a loss right now. This may be long so i appreciate anyone who will take time for me.
My husband and i have been married for over 20 years. Kids are grown and away form home. We have always been very much in love and at one time had what i thought was the "perfect" marriage. After about 10 years of marriage, my husband began using drugs. I'm not exactly sure how long this went on before I found out but by this time, it was a big problem that had turned from pills to cocaine. I had noticed his withdrawing from the family, spending money without being able to explain, mood swings, etc. but I never put it together or maybe I didnt want to.
After a while he began to be very emotionally abusive to me. (took me a long time to realize this was actually abuse and when I look back now I dont know how i could be so dumb). I knew he had a problem he needed help with. He would get clean for a few months, then go back to it again. This went on for a few years. He finally went to a counselor, then to rehab. (not before jail, lost jobs, and even a lost home). After rehab, he was clean for about a year then relapsed.
I couldnt take any more. He was spending all of his money leaving me to struggle on my own with the bills, almost losing everything. He was almost never home, and ignored my calls. He lost another job. His mood swings were horrible. He would get so angry, he would stand over me yelling, cussing, telling me I was the problem and I was the reason our kids were sad. He would tear the house apart (punch holes in the walls, throw things, etc.). When ever I mentioned separation he would threaten suicide. That would scare me and he knew it. He threats kept me in a marriage where I was miserable.
I finally got enough nerve a couple of years ago to leave. He was still threatening suicide and constantly begging our teenage children and everyone in my family to talk me into coming back home to him. (he was still on drugs)
while I was away, I started seeing another man. this was someone I had known from childhood but hadnt seen in years. I was very wrong for this because I was still married. It is a mistake I will always regret. I guess I was getting the attention from him that I had needed so long from my husband. After a few weeks I stopped seeing him. (mutual agreement)
My husband was still wanting me to come home and wanted to save our marriage. He stopped using drugs and promised me if I would come back he would never use again. We had been apart a couple of months when I went back. I told him about the OM. He reacted like anyone else would. We talked all night and he said he still wanted to work on our marriage.
It is now 2 years later and he has had a hard time coping with the thought of the OM (understandable). He went back to drugs about 6 months ago. He says my "affair" was too much for him and he was looking for something to help him cope.
Over the last 2 years, I have caught him on web sites where he could chat or meet up with women. I found his passwords and watched to see what he would do without him knowing. He signed up but never paid and never revisited the site so nothing came of it. I also caught him sending flirty texts to a friend of ours. (yes, she flirted back) Over the course of a year, the web site thing happened 3 times. (that I know of). When I confronted him, he said his mind was such a mess because of what I had done. He apologized over and over and said it would never happen again.
I just found out that he is back on the sites. This time, he has revisited and even responded to an email. He hasnt paid for this one either, so he wasnt able to go any farther than the response to the email. I also found where he was looking at ads for escorts in our area. I found strange numbers in the contact list on his phone and matched up 2 of them to the escorts. He never called, but I wonder if thats because I confronted too soon. He says he took the numbers in case he couldnt find the drugs he needed and maybe they would have some because prostitutes always have drugs or can get them. (I dont buy that one)
He has now stopped using drugs and he is "back to normal". He has apologized, asked my forgiveness and offered anything I need to fix this. He has given me his computer, I see all his phone calls and texts, I see where every dime is spent, and he seems to be very remorseful.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. I want to leave and I want to stay. If we can work this out, we could possibly be happy again, but I'm pretty sure I will never trust him.
I also dont think the thoughts of the things he has done will ever go away. I guess it is the same for him. I simply dont know what to do. Can anyone help??
My husband and i have been married for over 20 years. Kids are grown and away form home. We have always been very much in love and at one time had what i thought was the "perfect" marriage. After about 10 years of marriage, my husband began using drugs. I'm not exactly sure how long this went on before I found out but by this time, it was a big problem that had turned from pills to cocaine. I had noticed his withdrawing from the family, spending money without being able to explain, mood swings, etc. but I never put it together or maybe I didnt want to.
After a while he began to be very emotionally abusive to me. (took me a long time to realize this was actually abuse and when I look back now I dont know how i could be so dumb). I knew he had a problem he needed help with. He would get clean for a few months, then go back to it again. This went on for a few years. He finally went to a counselor, then to rehab. (not before jail, lost jobs, and even a lost home). After rehab, he was clean for about a year then relapsed.
I couldnt take any more. He was spending all of his money leaving me to struggle on my own with the bills, almost losing everything. He was almost never home, and ignored my calls. He lost another job. His mood swings were horrible. He would get so angry, he would stand over me yelling, cussing, telling me I was the problem and I was the reason our kids were sad. He would tear the house apart (punch holes in the walls, throw things, etc.). When ever I mentioned separation he would threaten suicide. That would scare me and he knew it. He threats kept me in a marriage where I was miserable.
I finally got enough nerve a couple of years ago to leave. He was still threatening suicide and constantly begging our teenage children and everyone in my family to talk me into coming back home to him. (he was still on drugs)
while I was away, I started seeing another man. this was someone I had known from childhood but hadnt seen in years. I was very wrong for this because I was still married. It is a mistake I will always regret. I guess I was getting the attention from him that I had needed so long from my husband. After a few weeks I stopped seeing him. (mutual agreement)
My husband was still wanting me to come home and wanted to save our marriage. He stopped using drugs and promised me if I would come back he would never use again. We had been apart a couple of months when I went back. I told him about the OM. He reacted like anyone else would. We talked all night and he said he still wanted to work on our marriage.
It is now 2 years later and he has had a hard time coping with the thought of the OM (understandable). He went back to drugs about 6 months ago. He says my "affair" was too much for him and he was looking for something to help him cope.
Over the last 2 years, I have caught him on web sites where he could chat or meet up with women. I found his passwords and watched to see what he would do without him knowing. He signed up but never paid and never revisited the site so nothing came of it. I also caught him sending flirty texts to a friend of ours. (yes, she flirted back) Over the course of a year, the web site thing happened 3 times. (that I know of). When I confronted him, he said his mind was such a mess because of what I had done. He apologized over and over and said it would never happen again.
I just found out that he is back on the sites. This time, he has revisited and even responded to an email. He hasnt paid for this one either, so he wasnt able to go any farther than the response to the email. I also found where he was looking at ads for escorts in our area. I found strange numbers in the contact list on his phone and matched up 2 of them to the escorts. He never called, but I wonder if thats because I confronted too soon. He says he took the numbers in case he couldnt find the drugs he needed and maybe they would have some because prostitutes always have drugs or can get them. (I dont buy that one)
He has now stopped using drugs and he is "back to normal". He has apologized, asked my forgiveness and offered anything I need to fix this. He has given me his computer, I see all his phone calls and texts, I see where every dime is spent, and he seems to be very remorseful.
At this point, I am not sure what to do. I want to leave and I want to stay. If we can work this out, we could possibly be happy again, but I'm pretty sure I will never trust him.
I also dont think the thoughts of the things he has done will ever go away. I guess it is the same for him. I simply dont know what to do. Can anyone help??
Put the internet to work for you.
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