Hi TAMers. I am feeling a lot like Olivia Pope in Scandal as I drink my evening wine and think deep thoughts ;)
No contact (true no contact) is truly the best thing to do, as always advised here. Anyone who is separated from their spouse and is feeling confused needs NC I think for at least 3 weeks. I felt the power that I do have finally gather underneath me, and my OWN voice start speaking to me. Not the confused co-dependent voice, not the sad 'i'm lonely' voice, and not my STBXH's voice. It was mine, and it told me the truth.
Since my IC has been on vacation the past weeks as well, I haven't been muddying up my emotional waters with her either. True self-time.
Always having been in a relationship, from the time I was 18, and my co-dependency, has been many many years of focusing on someone else. Making sure they're happy. Committing to what they dream to do and helping make that happen. Arriving on my white horse to make everything better. Only to lead to disappointment and abandonment again.....and again.
I'm listening to other people. Listening to those around me that have their own experiences and opinions. Like a typical Taurus I'm pretty bull-headed and like to have my own way, but with my current life situation this bull is taking a rest in the meadow and observing others. I'm ok with being a bull-headed Taurus. That's me. But I'm looking forward to nurturing the other parts...that make me my unique self
My relationship with my STBXH was love, but it wasn't the type of love that lasts for a lifetime. We've accepted that although you can love someone very much, it doesn't mean you can be married to them. We loved each other in the beginning with, what I can describe as, more superficial qualities. Physically attracted for sure. Both loved travel. I was quiet and a great listener, he was animated and always happy. I was organized he was not. I was a planner he liked to go with the flow. He was giving with objects he had and I liked that about him, as I was always generally pretty 'mine' with my stuff. We were equally spontaneous. These are a few examples that I had as a checklist in my head, although there were quite a few red flags with his other tendencies, but I was not LOOKING for those. I was basing my list off of my experience of my 1XH, not based off of what I VALUE in a husband. I was basically trying to be the husband I wanted...in many ways. I think his story is pr obably not too dissimilar from mine. As time went on, it became more and more apparent how we viewed things completely different. Being that our courtship to engagement was within 5 months of dating and married in another 5, we really learned about each other AFTER marriage.
Is he a narcissist....oh yeah. Is he controlling...for sure. Is he in some sort of...what I could call....fantasy land with the way he thinks sometimes....absolutely. But that's all his problems. Not mine. Not anymore. I think he's realized he's lost control, and he's asking (again) for the D paperwork. I'm happy to oblige.
Being on your own can be a reality check. Today I had some car issues, and I'm so used to having someone to call. I had no one. I couldn't even call STBXH for this emergency because he's on vacation somewhere far far away. The one girlfriend (of the two new ones I've made) was no where near me. I was inspecting my car like I knew what I was doing...I knew what the issue was...but do I have the tools for that?? Maybe I should stand beside my car like Daisy Duke and hope some guy stops and asks if I need help (Lol). No good, I'm in my apartment complex. I text my mechanic in hopes that he was in town this weekend, and he was. And he helped me out. I was so grateful (mental note for a Christmas present for my mechanic). I walked into my place after that ordeal just chewing on my thoughts of what it feels like to be alone. I survived. But not without the help of others.
One thing I've noticed is that I still feel pretty socially awkward. I hate it, but I've always been a more one-on-one person. My one girlfriend is so witty, she cracks me up. I admire that quality in her, a very open southern girl. Her energy is so much different than mine. My other girlfriend is so strong and unphased with conversations. I've watched her carry on conversations (especially with guys) that would probably make me blush and have nothing in response...but she just keeps it going. She's like one of the guys. Her and I have similar energy, I think she likes that I understand her sarcasm :rolleyes:
A guy that I've met at the gym seems to like me a lot. He's taking his time getting to know me, which I like. I hate it when a guy moves too fast. I'm sure he's older than what I'm looking for, but to be honest at this point, I'm not looking for anything serious. So just the fact that he's a nice, professional guy I'm going to let things flow.
I meant to go lay in the sun today by the pool, but my car drama took up too much time. Luckily tomorrow I have the day off, so I will be doing that for sure tomorrow and enjoying all this 'me' time I've been having :cool: Anyone wanna join me there and have margaritas? :D
No contact (true no contact) is truly the best thing to do, as always advised here. Anyone who is separated from their spouse and is feeling confused needs NC I think for at least 3 weeks. I felt the power that I do have finally gather underneath me, and my OWN voice start speaking to me. Not the confused co-dependent voice, not the sad 'i'm lonely' voice, and not my STBXH's voice. It was mine, and it told me the truth.
Since my IC has been on vacation the past weeks as well, I haven't been muddying up my emotional waters with her either. True self-time.
Always having been in a relationship, from the time I was 18, and my co-dependency, has been many many years of focusing on someone else. Making sure they're happy. Committing to what they dream to do and helping make that happen. Arriving on my white horse to make everything better. Only to lead to disappointment and abandonment again.....and again.
I'm listening to other people. Listening to those around me that have their own experiences and opinions. Like a typical Taurus I'm pretty bull-headed and like to have my own way, but with my current life situation this bull is taking a rest in the meadow and observing others. I'm ok with being a bull-headed Taurus. That's me. But I'm looking forward to nurturing the other parts...that make me my unique self
My relationship with my STBXH was love, but it wasn't the type of love that lasts for a lifetime. We've accepted that although you can love someone very much, it doesn't mean you can be married to them. We loved each other in the beginning with, what I can describe as, more superficial qualities. Physically attracted for sure. Both loved travel. I was quiet and a great listener, he was animated and always happy. I was organized he was not. I was a planner he liked to go with the flow. He was giving with objects he had and I liked that about him, as I was always generally pretty 'mine' with my stuff. We were equally spontaneous. These are a few examples that I had as a checklist in my head, although there were quite a few red flags with his other tendencies, but I was not LOOKING for those. I was basing my list off of my experience of my 1XH, not based off of what I VALUE in a husband. I was basically trying to be the husband I wanted...in many ways. I think his story is pr obably not too dissimilar from mine. As time went on, it became more and more apparent how we viewed things completely different. Being that our courtship to engagement was within 5 months of dating and married in another 5, we really learned about each other AFTER marriage.
Is he a narcissist....oh yeah. Is he controlling...for sure. Is he in some sort of...what I could call....fantasy land with the way he thinks sometimes....absolutely. But that's all his problems. Not mine. Not anymore. I think he's realized he's lost control, and he's asking (again) for the D paperwork. I'm happy to oblige.
Being on your own can be a reality check. Today I had some car issues, and I'm so used to having someone to call. I had no one. I couldn't even call STBXH for this emergency because he's on vacation somewhere far far away. The one girlfriend (of the two new ones I've made) was no where near me. I was inspecting my car like I knew what I was doing...I knew what the issue was...but do I have the tools for that?? Maybe I should stand beside my car like Daisy Duke and hope some guy stops and asks if I need help (Lol). No good, I'm in my apartment complex. I text my mechanic in hopes that he was in town this weekend, and he was. And he helped me out. I was so grateful (mental note for a Christmas present for my mechanic). I walked into my place after that ordeal just chewing on my thoughts of what it feels like to be alone. I survived. But not without the help of others.
One thing I've noticed is that I still feel pretty socially awkward. I hate it, but I've always been a more one-on-one person. My one girlfriend is so witty, she cracks me up. I admire that quality in her, a very open southern girl. Her energy is so much different than mine. My other girlfriend is so strong and unphased with conversations. I've watched her carry on conversations (especially with guys) that would probably make me blush and have nothing in response...but she just keeps it going. She's like one of the guys. Her and I have similar energy, I think she likes that I understand her sarcasm :rolleyes:
A guy that I've met at the gym seems to like me a lot. He's taking his time getting to know me, which I like. I hate it when a guy moves too fast. I'm sure he's older than what I'm looking for, but to be honest at this point, I'm not looking for anything serious. So just the fact that he's a nice, professional guy I'm going to let things flow.
I meant to go lay in the sun today by the pool, but my car drama took up too much time. Luckily tomorrow I have the day off, so I will be doing that for sure tomorrow and enjoying all this 'me' time I've been having :cool: Anyone wanna join me there and have margaritas? :D
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