So, my wife of 13 years started an EA about 1 1/2 months ago, gut feeling and friends saying she was in elevated mood around our neighbor.
[Edit: Forgot to say we have 3 kids]
So I look into texts, she deleted so I recover them, find out she was saying things like
"I fell for you like no one else"
"I love you"
"Would you be with me if I left him (me)"
"Lets run away together"
etc.
Fortunately, this guys my friend and respectable. He told her straight out he doesn't want to get in the way and would never due that to anyone.
Problem, she was still obsessed, she kept texting him, asking when he'll be around, his kids, missed you etc.
Then when I confronted her she did the "We're just friends" thing, yet still texted him constantly over the next few days, (he literally just replies with ok, or yes, etc).
She would say things after we hung out (all three of us) to him like
"Had a great time (love you), night" <-- this one is still driving me crazy.
3 days later I simply told her, do not text him again.
She stopped for a whole week, until we were talking one night and I said something stupid. I said yes you can have friends just you cant be telling them anything you wouldn't say in front of me. (which now the problem is she's already told him everything about our problems)
So, she starts texting him again, not as often but still, stupid **** like "how are you", "what you up to", etc.
Now, give you some background, I have NOT been there for her emotionally pretty much the last few years. She is the type of person who will hold things in and not tell me the REAL problems she is having and I get stuck in the routine of things.
And I completely understand this frustration and am ready to change (and have told her this).
And it cycles every so often.
Anyway, so here's the problem now.
Like, we'll be at a party, and come home, and guess who is the first person she texts?
So, I confront her on this again (note she no longer deletes any text as we have an transparent policy).
I ask her what her need is to text him and why is it so hard to just stop. She says I want to be controlling, but I tell her after what has happened, it is well within reason to ask her to completely stop.
So what she do? Now she flips it and says for all the years I looked at Porn and had an Affair (with porn) claiming it's just as emotionally damaging to her (porn use) as this was to me.
BTW, the only reason she brings up porn, is because I did yet another bonehead thing last week and told her I would no longer look at it out of respect for her.
At the same time her Grandfather is going to die in like 1 week, which adds to the complexity.
Now, I do feel guilty about the porn this, but I don't see it as a valid comparison to emotionally bonding with a real person(I just watched porn no cybersex or anything and never lied about it, I told her I did, she always knew and has said it bothered her maybe 2 times in 13 years). If anything it was very un-emotional.
So, I don't know, Am I over-reacting to things? Is this porn a valid comparison?
[Edit: Forgot to say we have 3 kids]
So I look into texts, she deleted so I recover them, find out she was saying things like
"I fell for you like no one else"
"I love you"
"Would you be with me if I left him (me)"
"Lets run away together"
etc.
Fortunately, this guys my friend and respectable. He told her straight out he doesn't want to get in the way and would never due that to anyone.
Problem, she was still obsessed, she kept texting him, asking when he'll be around, his kids, missed you etc.
Then when I confronted her she did the "We're just friends" thing, yet still texted him constantly over the next few days, (he literally just replies with ok, or yes, etc).
She would say things after we hung out (all three of us) to him like
"Had a great time (love you), night" <-- this one is still driving me crazy.
3 days later I simply told her, do not text him again.
She stopped for a whole week, until we were talking one night and I said something stupid. I said yes you can have friends just you cant be telling them anything you wouldn't say in front of me. (which now the problem is she's already told him everything about our problems)
So, she starts texting him again, not as often but still, stupid **** like "how are you", "what you up to", etc.
Now, give you some background, I have NOT been there for her emotionally pretty much the last few years. She is the type of person who will hold things in and not tell me the REAL problems she is having and I get stuck in the routine of things.
And I completely understand this frustration and am ready to change (and have told her this).
And it cycles every so often.
Anyway, so here's the problem now.
Like, we'll be at a party, and come home, and guess who is the first person she texts?
So, I confront her on this again (note she no longer deletes any text as we have an transparent policy).
I ask her what her need is to text him and why is it so hard to just stop. She says I want to be controlling, but I tell her after what has happened, it is well within reason to ask her to completely stop.
So what she do? Now she flips it and says for all the years I looked at Porn and had an Affair (with porn) claiming it's just as emotionally damaging to her (porn use) as this was to me.
BTW, the only reason she brings up porn, is because I did yet another bonehead thing last week and told her I would no longer look at it out of respect for her.
At the same time her Grandfather is going to die in like 1 week, which adds to the complexity.
Now, I do feel guilty about the porn this, but I don't see it as a valid comparison to emotionally bonding with a real person(I just watched porn no cybersex or anything and never lied about it, I told her I did, she always knew and has said it bothered her maybe 2 times in 13 years). If anything it was very un-emotional.
So, I don't know, Am I over-reacting to things? Is this porn a valid comparison?
Put the internet to work for you.
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