Hello. I here on TAM forum because a very dear coworker (female) recommended it. I've been lurking the past 2 days and I have to say, it has been very insightful and healing to see I'm not alone. Now, my story.
I met my husband when I was 18 years old and he was much older than I, 13 years to be exact (31). At the time I thought he was much younger since he had a baby face and he thought I was at least 21. We fell in love fast, he was my knight in shining armor so to speak. He swept me off my feet, was very attentive, and loving. We had 4 beautiful children and a wonderful marriage until about 7 years ago.
My husband was military for 25 years and was deployed several times. The longest deployment was 18 months. I was ALWAYS
faithful!! I never even talked to other men except when it related to work. I purposely had no male friends since I knew that would
bother my husband. I put myself through nursing school,
worked full-time, and took care of our 2 small children while he
was deployed. I sent him care packages every week and wired
him money. Sent him sexy messages in cards and couldn't wait
for him to come home. While on leave, we got pregnant with our 3rd child. I was scared since he was still deployed, and I was in nursing school and caring for our small children, but I powered
through and graduated top of my class and delivered on
Christmas break. When my husband came back I wasn't the
same woman, I was strong. And he wasn't the same, he was
unhappy, and cynical. The sex was still great and I did everything
I could to help him transition into civilian life. I recommended
counseling but he shot me down. He became very negative and
everything became about his deployments and not about the
children. Btw, now I'm pregnant with our 4th child. I tried and
tried to help him, I even tried to spice our sex life by bringing in
toys and that only angered him. I did start to pull away if I'm
being honest with myself. I have 4 kids to take care of and I
work 4 days a week as a nurse , there was only so much time I
had to give my undivided attention to my husband. I tried
though, until 5 years ago.
Then, 2 years ago, he cheated on me the first time. We had a trip planned with my brother and his family to go to the Oregon Coast for the 4th of July. I took the time off from work and my
husband had been unemployed for a year and had just got a new
job. I asked him if he could please ask for the time off, but he had been at the new job for a 6 months and didn't want to jeopardize it by asking time off. I told him that the kids and I were still going to go if that was okay, since we needed a
vacation and my niece and nephew are the same age as my older
kids. He wasn't happy about this and we had a fight. While we
were gone, he was having an EA with a girl at
work. When I came home, I found text message saying:"Hey
babe, I hate how much I miss you. I hope you're okay, if you
need anything, let me know.". This message wasn't sent to me! I
was devastated!!! How could he do this to me!! I confronted him
and he lied, saying there weren't any messages on his phone. I
saved the message and showed it to him. Then backpedaled saying they were best friends and her grandma died and she was
having a hard time. I looked at him and told him I was suppose
to be his best friend!! He said nothing physical happened, but
yes, he had feelings for her, but nothing would happen because
she didn't feel that way. I found out later she was 21 and had a
baby. I told him to leave, then got weak and scared and agreed
to work it out. We had sex that night. I let him rugsweep the
incident but I continued to grieve. At first he comforted me, then
after 3 months got angry at me saying nothing happened they
"just talked". I told him the message I read was hurtful and she
became more important then me. Then he tried to blame me for
it. Things got rocky and then my grandma died.
Fast forward to present time. I was scheduled to visit my
grandfather Jan 5th in Arizona. I try to see him twice a year since my grandma passed. He also has 2 knee surgeries and being
nurse, I wanted to care for him. The night before leaving on my
flight, I was using my husband's iPad that I bought him for
Christmas, to check my flight, and up popped up searches for
hotels 5 miles from our house with a check in date the SAME
night I was leaving. I was shocked and devastated again! I woke
him up and confronted him. He denied everything, saying he was
just looking for places to get away. That he needs time to himself
as well. And then he got mad I was on his IPad. I told him I didn't believe him, that he was a liar. I left the room and
immediately started looking for flights to book my children
because NO way was I leaving our kids home with my husband
while I'm in another state. He came out of the room an hour
later and admitted that he met someone and he didn't mean for
it to happen but he felt alone and she was nice to him. He claimed nothing happened, they had only talked and met for coffee once and yes he was going to meet her, but changed his
mind when looked at his kids. I told him I couldn't do this now, I
needed to leave for a flight in 5 hours to see my grandfather.
My trip was miserable, I put on a happy face, but I was dying
inside. I was sick to my stomach. My husband would
send texts but I only responded with short answers and spoke of
the kids only. When I came home, he made the house clean and
was super nice, I told him he needed to move out. He said that
he expected that. The next few days I was a mess!! Crying, unable to eat or sleep, while he was fine. I confronted him, I
wanted to know who she was. He protected her. I finally was able
to squeeze out that he met her at Wamart, she works there.
She's 33 years old, 3 kids, and is married!!! I found out days later he lied, she is 25 years old and has 3 kids under the age of 5. He said many hurtful things to me, blaming me. He came home crying after work last Sunday wanting to work it out. I don't trust him. I told myself I would NEVER let someone
disrespect me this way! I was FAITHFUL for 18 years!! I never
strayed. I took care of our children, worked, and cared for him.
Yes, I made mistakes and shut him out at times because I was
coping with his betrayal. And I didn't fully give him a chance,
but we never discussed it. I'm angry, scared, and grieving. I've
been with him half my life. I never planned to raise 4 kids on my
own. Granted they are older, 17, 16, 9, and 8, and I have a
great job, and great friends and family. He's made me feel ugly
and old, both which I know aren't true, but it's how I feel right
now. My friends and coworkers think he's stupid, and they tell me
I'm beautiful, engaging, bubbly, and your husband lost the best
woman he will ever meet. And any guy will be lucky to have me.
I don't even want to think about those things right now. Then
my husband has the nerve to say if I knew you still wanted me, I
never would have done it. Then he proceeds to tell me how
beautiful and sexy I am. How I have gorgeous long dark hair,
beautiful green eyes, and dimples that melt his heart. Disgusting
Pig!! He smashed his phone and bought a new one and swears
it will never happen again, to give him a chance. My older kids
know and they want him to leave, saying he never deserved me
and this is twice mom!! I keep thinking if had happen my daughters I wouldn't want them to stay. I told him he needs to
leave and he said if he leaves, that's it, he's not coming back. I don't know what to do. Am I wanting to work it out because I'm afraid to be alone? And the fear of never finding someone else? Or do I really want him? If you had asked my 18 year old self would she stay with someone who cheated she would have said: HELL NO. DUMP HIS ASS, but this 36 year old woman feels like she's in the storm and can't see. I feel he needs to leave, I need to see who I am without him. I feel he needs to win me back. But honestly, I don't think that is possible. I don't trust him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he was sorry and I should accept that. He said he'll do whatever, but in the next breath says I'm not forgiving and I need to learn to forgive. I hate throwing away 18 years, but I want to set an example for my kids, to show them that I love and respect myself enough not
to be treated this way. And I don't want them to think it's okay to be treated this way!! Sorry for the long story. Any advice would be appreciated.
BTW, he told our older kids in a note that he was a liar and a
cheater and he hurt his wife and family and that he is truly sorry. And he hopes one day we can forgive him. He put it on the fridge. I ripped it off before my little ones saw it. Disgusting!
I met my husband when I was 18 years old and he was much older than I, 13 years to be exact (31). At the time I thought he was much younger since he had a baby face and he thought I was at least 21. We fell in love fast, he was my knight in shining armor so to speak. He swept me off my feet, was very attentive, and loving. We had 4 beautiful children and a wonderful marriage until about 7 years ago.
My husband was military for 25 years and was deployed several times. The longest deployment was 18 months. I was ALWAYS
faithful!! I never even talked to other men except when it related to work. I purposely had no male friends since I knew that would
bother my husband. I put myself through nursing school,
worked full-time, and took care of our 2 small children while he
was deployed. I sent him care packages every week and wired
him money. Sent him sexy messages in cards and couldn't wait
for him to come home. While on leave, we got pregnant with our 3rd child. I was scared since he was still deployed, and I was in nursing school and caring for our small children, but I powered
through and graduated top of my class and delivered on
Christmas break. When my husband came back I wasn't the
same woman, I was strong. And he wasn't the same, he was
unhappy, and cynical. The sex was still great and I did everything
I could to help him transition into civilian life. I recommended
counseling but he shot me down. He became very negative and
everything became about his deployments and not about the
children. Btw, now I'm pregnant with our 4th child. I tried and
tried to help him, I even tried to spice our sex life by bringing in
toys and that only angered him. I did start to pull away if I'm
being honest with myself. I have 4 kids to take care of and I
work 4 days a week as a nurse , there was only so much time I
had to give my undivided attention to my husband. I tried
though, until 5 years ago.
Then, 2 years ago, he cheated on me the first time. We had a trip planned with my brother and his family to go to the Oregon Coast for the 4th of July. I took the time off from work and my
husband had been unemployed for a year and had just got a new
job. I asked him if he could please ask for the time off, but he had been at the new job for a 6 months and didn't want to jeopardize it by asking time off. I told him that the kids and I were still going to go if that was okay, since we needed a
vacation and my niece and nephew are the same age as my older
kids. He wasn't happy about this and we had a fight. While we
were gone, he was having an EA with a girl at
work. When I came home, I found text message saying:"Hey
babe, I hate how much I miss you. I hope you're okay, if you
need anything, let me know.". This message wasn't sent to me! I
was devastated!!! How could he do this to me!! I confronted him
and he lied, saying there weren't any messages on his phone. I
saved the message and showed it to him. Then backpedaled saying they were best friends and her grandma died and she was
having a hard time. I looked at him and told him I was suppose
to be his best friend!! He said nothing physical happened, but
yes, he had feelings for her, but nothing would happen because
she didn't feel that way. I found out later she was 21 and had a
baby. I told him to leave, then got weak and scared and agreed
to work it out. We had sex that night. I let him rugsweep the
incident but I continued to grieve. At first he comforted me, then
after 3 months got angry at me saying nothing happened they
"just talked". I told him the message I read was hurtful and she
became more important then me. Then he tried to blame me for
it. Things got rocky and then my grandma died.
Fast forward to present time. I was scheduled to visit my
grandfather Jan 5th in Arizona. I try to see him twice a year since my grandma passed. He also has 2 knee surgeries and being
nurse, I wanted to care for him. The night before leaving on my
flight, I was using my husband's iPad that I bought him for
Christmas, to check my flight, and up popped up searches for
hotels 5 miles from our house with a check in date the SAME
night I was leaving. I was shocked and devastated again! I woke
him up and confronted him. He denied everything, saying he was
just looking for places to get away. That he needs time to himself
as well. And then he got mad I was on his IPad. I told him I didn't believe him, that he was a liar. I left the room and
immediately started looking for flights to book my children
because NO way was I leaving our kids home with my husband
while I'm in another state. He came out of the room an hour
later and admitted that he met someone and he didn't mean for
it to happen but he felt alone and she was nice to him. He claimed nothing happened, they had only talked and met for coffee once and yes he was going to meet her, but changed his
mind when looked at his kids. I told him I couldn't do this now, I
needed to leave for a flight in 5 hours to see my grandfather.
My trip was miserable, I put on a happy face, but I was dying
inside. I was sick to my stomach. My husband would
send texts but I only responded with short answers and spoke of
the kids only. When I came home, he made the house clean and
was super nice, I told him he needed to move out. He said that
he expected that. The next few days I was a mess!! Crying, unable to eat or sleep, while he was fine. I confronted him, I
wanted to know who she was. He protected her. I finally was able
to squeeze out that he met her at Wamart, she works there.
She's 33 years old, 3 kids, and is married!!! I found out days later he lied, she is 25 years old and has 3 kids under the age of 5. He said many hurtful things to me, blaming me. He came home crying after work last Sunday wanting to work it out. I don't trust him. I told myself I would NEVER let someone
disrespect me this way! I was FAITHFUL for 18 years!! I never
strayed. I took care of our children, worked, and cared for him.
Yes, I made mistakes and shut him out at times because I was
coping with his betrayal. And I didn't fully give him a chance,
but we never discussed it. I'm angry, scared, and grieving. I've
been with him half my life. I never planned to raise 4 kids on my
own. Granted they are older, 17, 16, 9, and 8, and I have a
great job, and great friends and family. He's made me feel ugly
and old, both which I know aren't true, but it's how I feel right
now. My friends and coworkers think he's stupid, and they tell me
I'm beautiful, engaging, bubbly, and your husband lost the best
woman he will ever meet. And any guy will be lucky to have me.
I don't even want to think about those things right now. Then
my husband has the nerve to say if I knew you still wanted me, I
never would have done it. Then he proceeds to tell me how
beautiful and sexy I am. How I have gorgeous long dark hair,
beautiful green eyes, and dimples that melt his heart. Disgusting
Pig!! He smashed his phone and bought a new one and swears
it will never happen again, to give him a chance. My older kids
know and they want him to leave, saying he never deserved me
and this is twice mom!! I keep thinking if had happen my daughters I wouldn't want them to stay. I told him he needs to
leave and he said if he leaves, that's it, he's not coming back. I don't know what to do. Am I wanting to work it out because I'm afraid to be alone? And the fear of never finding someone else? Or do I really want him? If you had asked my 18 year old self would she stay with someone who cheated she would have said: HELL NO. DUMP HIS ASS, but this 36 year old woman feels like she's in the storm and can't see. I feel he needs to leave, I need to see who I am without him. I feel he needs to win me back. But honestly, I don't think that is possible. I don't trust him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He said he was sorry and I should accept that. He said he'll do whatever, but in the next breath says I'm not forgiving and I need to learn to forgive. I hate throwing away 18 years, but I want to set an example for my kids, to show them that I love and respect myself enough not
to be treated this way. And I don't want them to think it's okay to be treated this way!! Sorry for the long story. Any advice would be appreciated.
BTW, he told our older kids in a note that he was a liar and a
cheater and he hurt his wife and family and that he is truly sorry. And he hopes one day we can forgive him. He put it on the fridge. I ripped it off before my little ones saw it. Disgusting!
Put the internet to work for you.
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