First off this is my first post, so if I've said something similar to someone else, I apologize.
First lets do a back story.
My wife and I met young and dated exclusively for 5 years before getting married. She was 16, I was 17 when we first met. Intercourse wasn't something we experienced until we were both 18 years old. However oral sex, and typical groping was a common occurrence starting about 2 months into the relationship. Once intercourse was "introduced" it was a 2-3 time a week occurrence for us, however a year or so before marriage she went on an anti-depressant for anxiety. So that killed her drive and it ended up sex was 1-2 times a month. After we married it picked up, then we got pregnant and had our daughter 2 years into our marriage. A year after she was born my wife started back to school and was highly involved in year round classes for 2 ½ years. Sex was non-existent during this time because she was always "exhausted" or "just not in the mood." I usually was the instigator, but after being rejected many times I finally just gave up. When we did have sex it felt like she was just treating it as a chore, because it was always treated as a "hurry up" or "quickie" situation. Very few times did we engage in foreplay or oral sex. The times that we did, it was out of this world. We rarely went on dates either. Maybe two max a year.
So finally school ends and she lands a job in her desired field. However it was a night job, so seeing each other was limited. She expressed her desire to have another child after starting her career, and sex ramped up to close to once a week. Not enough in my opinion to have a child, but I wasn't being choosy. I was having sex, good sex too, so I thought things were back on the rise. We both started working out together, spending more time alone, etc. It was great and I thought our marriage was on the ups. However a few months went by and still we were not pregnant. I could see her frustration and disappointment, but I continued to encourage her that things would work out for us. Communication started to decline, we didn't talk as much on the phone or text. We were fading, but I attributed to her lack of confidence that we would get pregnant again.
Then it happened. May 10th was the worst day of my adult life. At this time it had been a month of not talking as much as we used too. We had taken a break from trying to get pregnant, and when we did have sex, I was using a condom. She came home from work later than usual because of a meeting she had after work. She sat down next to me and told me she had been cheating on me for about a month, but she had ended it that morning. She told me that it was only sex, and the only excitement she got from it was the "risk of being caught." We had a very long talk that morning and she expressed her desire to want to be with me, however her decision to cheat was because she felt like she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me." Said sex was awkward because she felt like we were just best friends, not husband and wife. I realized that us not talking and spending time together was both of our faults because of stresses with her schooling and mine with work. She also explained that the OM was an older, married with kids, co-worker. She only worked with two during her short time where she was working, so I had an idea of who it was. Mainly because I knew the other guy was a gay man. She begged me not to contact him or his wife, because "he didn't want her to find out."
The next morning she asked me to go to my mothers because she "needed space." Thinking this might help to save my marriage is obliged and we told our young daughter together. She was very upset, and that was a very difficult thing to do. So for a month, I stayed with friends, my mother, & in a hotel. I would stay in our house when my wife worked, but would not see her or speak to her for almost a month. During that month I was a wreck. I didn't see any response from my wife that she wanted to reconcile so I thought divorce was the only option. Then one day I decided to make a call to OM's wife. I called and told her what my wife had told her, I hated doing it, but I felt It was a step in saving my marriage. She called an even showed up at my wifes work and confronted her. Made things very stressful for a couple weeks, but eventually OM quit his job, and surprisingly my wife was allowed to keep her job, because she was honest with her boss. For months my wife would search for her, him, and other members of his family on facebook. Why, I am not entirely sure about that, however I saw multiple times in her "history" of her viewing photos of him. This lasted well into November. I was bothered by it, but after her finally admitting it was more than a PA, I took it as her "fog" period. I also found notes to herself on her ipad diary (yes I figured out the password) expressing her desire "to let him go, so she can move on with her marriage." Also at that time I found a "fake" facebook account she was using to monitor him and his wife. She would later admit that she was looking at their profiles because she made threats to my wife on facebook and to other people at her job. She however did not admit to me she had a fake account. I also saw a message from her to his wife telling her about the affair. It was written as a "friend" of me informing her of the affair. The message was never replied too.
After that, I had moved back into the house, but still slept on the couch. My wife would retreat to our bedroom and browse facebook, masturbate, and sulk in her anger with herself. We didn't talk about anything other than our daughter. No future talk, no talk about the affair, no "day to day" talk. Then one day in July she came to me and said she was truly sorry and wanted to go on a date together. It was an awkward date, but we talked about her fears and doubts about making this work. It wasn't until after our 10 year anniversary we started sleeping in the same room again. That weekend we had a date, but after dropping off our child with her parents, we went back home and had a night full of sex. I mean the type of nights where your so sore and exhausted you pass out nude on the bed, but wake up 2 hours later just to do it all over again. It was a great weekend and sex was ramping up to a point back to our pre-marriage days. Then about a month later she dropped the line "I am distant from you, because I feel like all you want is sex." So down went the "frequency" again. We had a talk that evening and we both agreed on a number of things. That it was important for us to have a healthy sex life, but she was okay with once a week. I said I was happier with 2-3 times a week, but was willing to compromise. Our communication also grew from that point on and we got back to talking on the phone, and texting more often. Actually more than we had done in a long time.
So now here we are in the middle of January. Sex has stayed consistent with once a week. There have been a few weeks were that number has gone up, but it has also had cases of no sex for weeks. We have decided to try for another child once again, but I feel like she is only using me as a sperm donor sometimes. Foreplay/Long Sex Sessions are once or twice a month, so most of our sex is "quickies." She has expressed that she doesn't have that much desire for sex and feels it isn't the only thing that is important. I agree, but I have also expressed that it is important to me, and that if we go more than a week without physical contact it is damaging to me. In some ways I guess I feel that way because she admitted everytime she saw the OM, it was a given they would have sex. Unless she was on her period, but since they are in charge of scheduling their hours, they worked around that time of the month. Although their PA only lasted a month, so I'm sure that never came into play. I feel if she was that open to doing that with him and it was a "given", why cant she feel that way with me? Also I know she masturbates often, almost daily. Upon checking her Facebook, email, and phone records on a weekly basis, I cannot help but check to see if she has "played" with her toy on a daily basis. I hate that I do that, but I do, and am curious. Nothing has presented itself to me that her affair is ongoing. Our relationship outside of sex is great. She isn't as affectionate as she once was, but I figure that side will return once again. Maybe after she is fully over her anger with herself.
It eats me to the core to know she masturbates often, but our sex is at once a week. It screams to me that she is "into it", but that she doesn't want to make it a priority to fulfil my needs. I try different approaches to instigate sex (texting, touching, talking), but she expresses that she "just wants it to happen, and hates talking about it." I also express that we should be more active if we want to give ourselves a better chance at having another child. She thinks that once or twice a week is enough to make that happen, but has been disappointed the past few months when her period comes around. I try different techniques even when its just a quickie to help her orgasm too, but she says it isn't that important to her most of the time. When we do have longer sessions (im not going to brag either, but I am able to last longer than 2 minutes too), it is amazing, she is extremely aroused and I know she orgasms. I'm not going to go into details, but I know when it's the real thing.
She has however admitted that when at work they talk about it often, and talks about sex on a regular basis with her gay co-worker. A co-worker I suspect is very attracted to her. One of those reasons I suspect that is because she has asked me, and my wife (at different points in time) if she could possibly be someone we could include into a threesome someday. My wife is adamant that she isn't "into women" and has "no desire" to be with a woman ever. However they always talk about sex, but is defiant that we never talk about sex. Only time we talk about sex is after sex.
So I'm afraid that sex isn't ever going to ramp up to more than we have now. I admit our schedules get in the way most of the time, and she works long hours, but my desire to have more intimate encounters and more frequency seems to be the least of her worries. Maybe I'm coming off as an ass in this "beggars cant be choosers" situation, but I feel this affair has affected her in more ways than one. What I mean is, maybe she feels like what she did with him. In the case of "if I have sex with him all the time, I can keep him around" type of thoughts. Am I looking at all of this too wrong? Is it possible she just is happy with physical contact once a week? Would she be feeling afraid that she might come off as a "****" if she had sex more often with me?
I'm confused, frustrated, and depressed because of all of this. Please tell me I'm over reacting.
First lets do a back story.
My wife and I met young and dated exclusively for 5 years before getting married. She was 16, I was 17 when we first met. Intercourse wasn't something we experienced until we were both 18 years old. However oral sex, and typical groping was a common occurrence starting about 2 months into the relationship. Once intercourse was "introduced" it was a 2-3 time a week occurrence for us, however a year or so before marriage she went on an anti-depressant for anxiety. So that killed her drive and it ended up sex was 1-2 times a month. After we married it picked up, then we got pregnant and had our daughter 2 years into our marriage. A year after she was born my wife started back to school and was highly involved in year round classes for 2 ½ years. Sex was non-existent during this time because she was always "exhausted" or "just not in the mood." I usually was the instigator, but after being rejected many times I finally just gave up. When we did have sex it felt like she was just treating it as a chore, because it was always treated as a "hurry up" or "quickie" situation. Very few times did we engage in foreplay or oral sex. The times that we did, it was out of this world. We rarely went on dates either. Maybe two max a year.
So finally school ends and she lands a job in her desired field. However it was a night job, so seeing each other was limited. She expressed her desire to have another child after starting her career, and sex ramped up to close to once a week. Not enough in my opinion to have a child, but I wasn't being choosy. I was having sex, good sex too, so I thought things were back on the rise. We both started working out together, spending more time alone, etc. It was great and I thought our marriage was on the ups. However a few months went by and still we were not pregnant. I could see her frustration and disappointment, but I continued to encourage her that things would work out for us. Communication started to decline, we didn't talk as much on the phone or text. We were fading, but I attributed to her lack of confidence that we would get pregnant again.
Then it happened. May 10th was the worst day of my adult life. At this time it had been a month of not talking as much as we used too. We had taken a break from trying to get pregnant, and when we did have sex, I was using a condom. She came home from work later than usual because of a meeting she had after work. She sat down next to me and told me she had been cheating on me for about a month, but she had ended it that morning. She told me that it was only sex, and the only excitement she got from it was the "risk of being caught." We had a very long talk that morning and she expressed her desire to want to be with me, however her decision to cheat was because she felt like she "loved me, but wasn't in love with me." Said sex was awkward because she felt like we were just best friends, not husband and wife. I realized that us not talking and spending time together was both of our faults because of stresses with her schooling and mine with work. She also explained that the OM was an older, married with kids, co-worker. She only worked with two during her short time where she was working, so I had an idea of who it was. Mainly because I knew the other guy was a gay man. She begged me not to contact him or his wife, because "he didn't want her to find out."
The next morning she asked me to go to my mothers because she "needed space." Thinking this might help to save my marriage is obliged and we told our young daughter together. She was very upset, and that was a very difficult thing to do. So for a month, I stayed with friends, my mother, & in a hotel. I would stay in our house when my wife worked, but would not see her or speak to her for almost a month. During that month I was a wreck. I didn't see any response from my wife that she wanted to reconcile so I thought divorce was the only option. Then one day I decided to make a call to OM's wife. I called and told her what my wife had told her, I hated doing it, but I felt It was a step in saving my marriage. She called an even showed up at my wifes work and confronted her. Made things very stressful for a couple weeks, but eventually OM quit his job, and surprisingly my wife was allowed to keep her job, because she was honest with her boss. For months my wife would search for her, him, and other members of his family on facebook. Why, I am not entirely sure about that, however I saw multiple times in her "history" of her viewing photos of him. This lasted well into November. I was bothered by it, but after her finally admitting it was more than a PA, I took it as her "fog" period. I also found notes to herself on her ipad diary (yes I figured out the password) expressing her desire "to let him go, so she can move on with her marriage." Also at that time I found a "fake" facebook account she was using to monitor him and his wife. She would later admit that she was looking at their profiles because she made threats to my wife on facebook and to other people at her job. She however did not admit to me she had a fake account. I also saw a message from her to his wife telling her about the affair. It was written as a "friend" of me informing her of the affair. The message was never replied too.
After that, I had moved back into the house, but still slept on the couch. My wife would retreat to our bedroom and browse facebook, masturbate, and sulk in her anger with herself. We didn't talk about anything other than our daughter. No future talk, no talk about the affair, no "day to day" talk. Then one day in July she came to me and said she was truly sorry and wanted to go on a date together. It was an awkward date, but we talked about her fears and doubts about making this work. It wasn't until after our 10 year anniversary we started sleeping in the same room again. That weekend we had a date, but after dropping off our child with her parents, we went back home and had a night full of sex. I mean the type of nights where your so sore and exhausted you pass out nude on the bed, but wake up 2 hours later just to do it all over again. It was a great weekend and sex was ramping up to a point back to our pre-marriage days. Then about a month later she dropped the line "I am distant from you, because I feel like all you want is sex." So down went the "frequency" again. We had a talk that evening and we both agreed on a number of things. That it was important for us to have a healthy sex life, but she was okay with once a week. I said I was happier with 2-3 times a week, but was willing to compromise. Our communication also grew from that point on and we got back to talking on the phone, and texting more often. Actually more than we had done in a long time.
So now here we are in the middle of January. Sex has stayed consistent with once a week. There have been a few weeks were that number has gone up, but it has also had cases of no sex for weeks. We have decided to try for another child once again, but I feel like she is only using me as a sperm donor sometimes. Foreplay/Long Sex Sessions are once or twice a month, so most of our sex is "quickies." She has expressed that she doesn't have that much desire for sex and feels it isn't the only thing that is important. I agree, but I have also expressed that it is important to me, and that if we go more than a week without physical contact it is damaging to me. In some ways I guess I feel that way because she admitted everytime she saw the OM, it was a given they would have sex. Unless she was on her period, but since they are in charge of scheduling their hours, they worked around that time of the month. Although their PA only lasted a month, so I'm sure that never came into play. I feel if she was that open to doing that with him and it was a "given", why cant she feel that way with me? Also I know she masturbates often, almost daily. Upon checking her Facebook, email, and phone records on a weekly basis, I cannot help but check to see if she has "played" with her toy on a daily basis. I hate that I do that, but I do, and am curious. Nothing has presented itself to me that her affair is ongoing. Our relationship outside of sex is great. She isn't as affectionate as she once was, but I figure that side will return once again. Maybe after she is fully over her anger with herself.
It eats me to the core to know she masturbates often, but our sex is at once a week. It screams to me that she is "into it", but that she doesn't want to make it a priority to fulfil my needs. I try different approaches to instigate sex (texting, touching, talking), but she expresses that she "just wants it to happen, and hates talking about it." I also express that we should be more active if we want to give ourselves a better chance at having another child. She thinks that once or twice a week is enough to make that happen, but has been disappointed the past few months when her period comes around. I try different techniques even when its just a quickie to help her orgasm too, but she says it isn't that important to her most of the time. When we do have longer sessions (im not going to brag either, but I am able to last longer than 2 minutes too), it is amazing, she is extremely aroused and I know she orgasms. I'm not going to go into details, but I know when it's the real thing.
She has however admitted that when at work they talk about it often, and talks about sex on a regular basis with her gay co-worker. A co-worker I suspect is very attracted to her. One of those reasons I suspect that is because she has asked me, and my wife (at different points in time) if she could possibly be someone we could include into a threesome someday. My wife is adamant that she isn't "into women" and has "no desire" to be with a woman ever. However they always talk about sex, but is defiant that we never talk about sex. Only time we talk about sex is after sex.
So I'm afraid that sex isn't ever going to ramp up to more than we have now. I admit our schedules get in the way most of the time, and she works long hours, but my desire to have more intimate encounters and more frequency seems to be the least of her worries. Maybe I'm coming off as an ass in this "beggars cant be choosers" situation, but I feel this affair has affected her in more ways than one. What I mean is, maybe she feels like what she did with him. In the case of "if I have sex with him all the time, I can keep him around" type of thoughts. Am I looking at all of this too wrong? Is it possible she just is happy with physical contact once a week? Would she be feeling afraid that she might come off as a "****" if she had sex more often with me?
I'm confused, frustrated, and depressed because of all of this. Please tell me I'm over reacting.
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