Newly Web Blues

Not even sure where to start but surprising to me, I've become just lost. This is long, sorry :( I'm in my early 40's was divorced for 7 years, have 1 teenage son. "Was" very active "leader" in my church involved in various activates as a "Single" most nights of the week and worked full time job. Also, part owner in small business and early part of year started a Non-profit. As well as an involved single parent. Love God and very strong believer in my Christian faith. God has taken care of me & evolved me to new heights since I recommitted my life to him about 10 years ago. I found "me" during this time. Great, great, great time. I became whole, complete, lacking nothing and quite satisfied. Three months ago I got remarried. I'm not sure if I've gone into shock or what, lol. In my thinking and in the best interest of my "new" marriage, I've only committed to 1 area in my church which only active during normal church time. So, I'm home every night & hubby likes that. We (my son & I) moved from our house into my husband's house. I got rid of all of my possessions when was a great and freeing as majority of it was tied to old/dead/divorced marriage. I was/am finding myself very unfulfilled and unhappy in my new environment as I found myself wanting to leave every single day. Funny, I've read the books, taught the classes, know what it takes, have learned from my mistakes but now I'm the one lost. It's truly ironic. I'm the leader, the encourager, the motivator, the optimistic one but can't seem to motivate myself or be that winner in my marriage. My husband likes the fact that I'm home every night and that other activities outside of home involves "us". However, my husband it appears "needs" his recreational game time inside the home and would spend hours doing so until "bedtime". So, at first I was just left to sit in this one room and watch TV. I don't watch TV, lol but felt I needed to be home for the best interest of marriage. Then, I was going stir crazy and talked with him about his "gaming" time while I'm in the house doing nothing. It's improved but he seems to "need" to be playing some kind of game. So it changed to sitting me with while playing something on computer, phone, etc., lol. That's one thing…. Other things: -Agreed to first move to his house and then transition to "our" house. We would make some adjustment to his place to accommodate me. But, I found that my husband gets anxiety and have issues with letting things go so nothing has really changed in "his" environment except for bedroom make over. I just said forget it to keep the peace. Now, he says it's best we just stay there verses looking for another house since his is paid for. Not the original agreement. -He get into the "ideals" about how things should be done around the house but he doesn't see that he's not consistent himself with said "ideas" and that's why it's hard for others to follow through also. It irks me to no end. Now when he starts, I just look at him, lol I know it's a big change for him also as he's in his late 40's and has been divorced and single for 14 years. I do have a very strong personality but have just start to internalize a lot so I'm not over bearing or always complaining. But I know marriage is work and we both have to fight for a "good" marriage. But he appears that he's happy with having me as his wife as he says it every morning or every night. But I on most days find myself just coping……. just being a very small tiny shadow of myself. Recent example: Well, we had date night and it was going great from 6p – 9p in a couples meeting. Then all of a sudden, he found the need to surf web on device while still in middle of "date night/couples meeting" and then answered a silly text msg while in group discussion. Then, he asked if we could sneak out early. I was just DONE! He realized that I was irritated and asked why. I said why is it that you can't seem to stay "in the moment" for just 3 hours in a week outside of sex. Funny, we got home and he was upset and went straight to "gaming." I got more irritated even more and just let it rip. I reminded him that I've mentioned all this before, that I don't need "all" his attention but at times just some "undivided attention". I guess I said I can't live like this and I didn't marry to die inside. So, he heard that "I was leaving". Can't be sure that I said that, I did say "I can't live like this", so he said then just leave. I said ok fine and went to bed. Well, it was kind of weird but he climbed in bed right behind me and he stuck to me like glue. He comforted, he told me that he didn't want me to leave and he asked me to describe to him what I needed. He said that he didn't realize that I was so unhappy because he was happy. He also told me that if I constantly make leaving an option then I'll probably eventually leave. He told me that he struggles with staying focused on one thing. Then he told me what he needed and that he felt I don't "touch" him enough. Not have sex with him enough but "touch" him enough. We have sex at "least" 4 times a week. We were communicating which was good. Then, he says as things settle down, you heard what the lady in the meeting said tonight, "if you don't touch your husband then some other woman will." I was like what?!$@$@$@$@# A threat!!! I said, ok how did we get here & why are we bringing third parties into this? Lost again…..Was it a threat for a threat? I don't know, I'm trying to figure out if I threaten him with leaving…..OMG, how old are we & what have we learned from our past failed marriages, very irritating on both parts…… Well, when I woke up I was sort of ok(that other woman comment was still there). When he woke up, he was furious I guess. He jumped up, got dressed and left without a word. I was like, ok maybe he just ran up to street to the store. But soon I realized that wasn't the case, I texted and asked, honey, where are you? No response. This action of leaving without any acknowledgement to me is a not good. He returns not a word and I asked if he got my text, he just says, yes. I was like ok, fine. I had to go to work so I told him I was going to work for an hour and would be back. When I got back he was gone. Ok, now you are pissing me off. This is stupid. I try to communicate again and I got again a one word response. So the child in me said ok, cool. You shut me out, I'll shut you out. Silliness, I tell you and I know this is crazy. We didn't talk to each other at all for the remainder of the day. So the next morning, I decide to disengage and I'm hurting and don't like it at all. How did we get here? We communicate about the necessary only and I'm way in left field and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to "get right" I don't want to have anything at all to do with him. He went to do things with family for a few hours and I was glad or at least I think so. I'm mad and internalize and try to find peace, comfort, etc. within myself. I do on some level but don't desire to engage with him at all. I pray and ask to be fixed like for real. I know this is not right!!!! So, I go to bed early and low and behold, he's right behind me but you can tell he's not "friendly" ok, now I'm mad again, lol. Because, if you want to still act silly, then do it in another room, lol. Well, I fall off to sleep and then wake up in middle of night and he's playing a game on his phone. I was like ok, I don't care anymore but why are you in the bedroom. He doesn't know I'm awake but now I am and miserable again. He eventually stops and tries to go to sleep. We stay as far away from each other as possible. At this point, I don't want any interaction as I can't seem to get over that "other woman touching thing" and his seemly intentional, punishing behavior towards me. Well, this morning, funny thing, he inched his way closer and closer without actually committing, lol, this is silly, I know. I didn't make him move as I wasn't even sure he was aware. Naturally, we start of sleeping very close and by morning comfortable separate, we rarely wake up spooning and we're good with that. But this morning, he was most definitely way outside of his normal space and in mine. This is all silly to me and I had grown to handle situation in more of a mature matter but I'm failing these days and am becoming stubborn. I see that I'm failing but can't seem to STOP!!!!! This is very childish to me and I'm like ok why can't we just hear and respect each other and let it be over and done with and move on. After typing all this I realized a major fault & pattern, sad. His ex-wife one day just picked up and left one day without warning and was remarried 6 months later. He was devastated. My-ex-husband was a serial cheater who decided one day to leave his family for another woman. So, now I'm always leaving and he thinking about cheating? How weird and crazy is that? Funny you think you've dealt with the demons but somewhere deep they can still be lurking….. Ugh, at my wits end……..

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