Husband Cheated now I feel responsbile for the Childrens pain

My story is a long one so I thought I'd start out with a summary of where I am and hopefully get enough discussion where I can get some sound advice as well as give more information about my situation. Basically this is my second marriage. Between the two of us we have 5 children. He has two and I have two and we have a 1 year old together. I divorced my first husband after emotional abuse, cheating and he was a terrible father. I waited 6 years before introducing my children to anyone. I was carefull and sensative to who they felt. I made mistakes along the way but as a single mother of two I thougt I was doing my best. After dating and enjoing single life, I thought my children needed stabilty and a father figure. I carefully and relectunclty joined a dating website and ended up meeting my current husband. He's very educated, articulate, funny, dedicated father, handsome, he's an Attny by trade but was also in seminary school to become a preacher. Involved with his church, involved with his community, good family and always treated me with respect. After almost two years of dating ( or less ) I introduced him to my children. After a few weeks , I met his and the relationship got closer and closer and here we are 6 years or so later, married with a baby. What I've learned in the past year and half about this man is that all of the things I thought were admirable about him were all a lie. Everything I thought that was ...wasnt. * he cheated on me with some of the women in church * he cheated on me with women he met when he went on his infamous golf trips * he cheated on me with women from his seminary school * he cheated on me ( and what brought all of the above to light ) with the women she cheated on his first wife with. Come to find out it was not that they "were not getting along" he had an affair with this woman and left his wife and two small children for her. She used him, treated him and his children ( in his words ) like second class citizens. Seems like as soon as he was no longer married and she got him full time she was not happy. They break up , I enter the picture and 6 years in.......she's back in my picture this time. She's married now, has a daughter and cheating. I found out because my husbands computer was hacked and hundreds of emails both work and personal were sent out to all his contacts including emails he exchanged with her. Emails of expressions of their undying love for one another, emails where he asked her over and over to marry him. He offered to buy her a ring and even though they were both married to others "in his heart" she would be his wife and he would be honered. She declined the ring but told him a purse would be cheaper and the educated, attny, preacher FOOL bought her a LV purse. This is just one of many emails that were disclosed between them. He often expressed his undying love and they would go out to expensive dinners and cheap hotels. His plan ( their plan ) was to do to his second family what he did to his first. Leave. His children who by this point are very very close to me were not a though. My children were not a thought and neither was our baby. Emails were more descriptive as I read more and get got caught. NOW .......I confront him, he has no choice but to admit what is written in black and white and after two days of screaming and crying HE begged me to find a way for us not to break up the family. For US to see how we can work this out so that WE dont destroy our family. He CANT face his children and hurt them again, he CANT leave his baby and BEGGED. He was exposed. She was exposed for the mistress she's always been and now everyone is in hiding. ALL of the children ( expect for my baby ) look to me with tears in their eyes. My oldest who knows the most to the youngest who suspects wrong doing. Children are nervous and guards are up. He is acting like things can go right back to normal so as long as he continues to pay for everything and support the family. He acts with me llike he's walking on eggs shells and like we went through a small bumb in the road and we can get through this. I have been unable to speak, to eat, to laugh, to cry , to sleep. I have not said a word until I came accross this website. I dont want to talk, pray, or go to counseling. I barely make it to work. I dont say anything ever. Im at a loss for words to describe just how I feel. My story is a long one. There is so much I can say although it sounds like I've said so much. Oh yes, since my baby was 2 mths old, we were in counseling because his communication with me was so poor. Every week he was there before I was. Come to find out , the entire time before and after we started going to counseling, he was cheating the entire time. Lieing every single session, every single day to me. He did not just cheat. He had a long on going love affair with the same mistress AND he cheated with other women in between but now BEGS ME to help the family stay together. I need to say more but if anyone reads this and has comments or better yet questions, I will explain more. Sorry for the rambling but this is just 5 weeks old and Im as confused and hurt as if it were one day old. I can't begin to tell you how isolated I feel. I have 5 children at home all coming in and out of the home at different times. I don't know when I can break down and when I cant. I have zero desire ( at the moment) to speak to a counselor. I feel like I need a 4 hrs session or for her to come live with me if possible. I'm constantly questioning my actions. What should I do next, how should I react, what should I say. Funny but it doesn't help that he is in begging mode. It makes me feel like the ownership of this ordeal is on me and now I have to "save" the family??I don't want to have a discussion with him regarding next steps really. Its more about my feelings on this whole thing. First day I was so angry and I was screaming, every day after that has been on protecting my children mode and crying every chance I get to be alone. I have not sat down and calmly discussed how I feel. It happened, I screamed, I cried then he begged and now I'm just going through the motions of living so my kids don't feel the effects. In essence I'm taking the bullet for all of it and I feel lost inside. You can't imagine the amount of lies that went on in this relationship. Everything that I thought was solid was all fake. This man is not only a lawyer but a preacher and I believed and trusted EVERYTHING he said. When I was 7 mths pregnant he walked into our room and said "we are making a mistake" . Just like that out of the blue. Come to find out a few weeks ago, he said that because he started his affair then . Countless conversations about trust and honestly out the window. All of it was fake. I sit and watch this man preach at church and I start to wonder if it's me that's crazy. The emails that went back and forth were a constant love affair that went against EVERYTHING he speaks about in church, to me, and to friends??? I want to laugh because it sounds like I'm talking about a Life Time movie but I'm not. He's on antidepressants, He's been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 7 years, he is cheating and begging at the same time. If you saw him you'd NEVER think in a million years this man has so many issues. It's bad enough he cheated on me whenever anyone gave him the opportunity but on top of that he had a love affair with his ex-mistress to the point he asked her to marry him and told her he resented me. All the while he's telling me he never wants to leave home and wants to raise his son . All the while he's cheating on me with his mistress, he's also cheating on his mistress with random women in between. NOW I am the one holding the bag with this man. Do I stay for the kids and just not care what the hell he does ? Do I confront this woman? My therapist did say to make sure I don't act out while I'm angry. She says, I need to make sure I'm not telling him to leave just to screw him over and punish him emotionally for what he did to me so he'll suffer because in turn who I'll be hurting in the end are the kids. She says, in war there is always a grave to dig and in my case there will be 5 graves. ok..........BUT WHAT ABOUT ME??? oh yes, he also told me he wanted to kill himself at the thought of losing his children again for the 3rd time and almost ran his car into an oncomming truck. - no pressure for me I see. I've asked him to have a sit down with me next week. This week is my daughters birthday and she has a sleepover etc. I dont want to put a damper on her birthday week. I dont really want to discuss our next steps as much as I want to be heard. I feel like I keep so much inside and other then this forum, my sister and one of my friends I dont talk. I dont know how much I'll get out of him but if for nothing else I need to let it out. His responce was the following: "We can talk and I will try to answer whatever questions and you can let me know how you want to proceed and we can discuss where we go" Clearly this man wants to put the ownership on me ( hence why i titled my post like I did) . He wants it to be ME that decides to stay or go. He wants to walk away saying, "she wanted to break up". Im not going to let him off that easy. I didint do any of this. I was protecting and loving my family while he was out doing everything with everyone now he wants to know how I WANT TO PROCEED

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