(Sorry, this is really long...) I haven't posted about my story in a LONG TIME, but the last few weeks have been an insane roller coaster, and I've made some references on some other threads. So I thought it might be time for a new FemInPink thread. My back story: 1. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/conside...-few-days.html 2. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/conside...ion-today.html I sent this to a friend on August 5 as an update: STBXH and I met up - not under the best of circumstances, because of my initial [really, really bad] behavior - Thursday evening, but we ended up having a deep heart-to-heart. He's made so much [emotional] progress over the last few months, and he's finally acknowledged the problems in our relationship and the part he played in them, which I didn't think he was capable of (and our therapist told me that she didn't think he was capable of this change); he's also been operating under the false assumption that I never wanted to seem him again (another misunderstanding reinforced by our crappy therapist). Truthfully, our therapist isn't the only one at fault here; we both made assumptions about the other, and neither of us were fully honest with her. A better therapist - who didn't move to Las Vegas in the middle of our separation, like she did - might have been able to help us dig a little deeper. Most of the work we've each done has been on our own, through intr ospection and a lot of time alone.
So I've asked him to consider a reconciliation. I never thought that was possible, because I never thought he would change. He never thought that was possible, because he thought my mind was made up and I was done with him.
We met again yesterday, and had another long talk. He shared a lot of things he never told me before; in my anger and frustration in the last year or so before we separated, I apparently turned into a raging *****. I didn't know I was doing it, I was so wrapped up in my pain. All the clutter and mess - which got worse the unhappier I became - was an ongoing source of aggravation for him, but he never let on how MUCH it bothered him, the occasional joke aside. But I understand now that my behavior in this respect made him feel disrespected and unloved.
I've learned that since he was convinced we were over, his friends convinced him that he needed to move on. So about two months ago he opened an OKCupid account, and he started dating this woman named Julie almost immediately. He says she's not his girlfriend (yet), but that she would be really upset to hear him say that. Even so, it sounds like it's pretty serious.
I'm absolutely devastated. I can't begin to convey how much pain I'm in right now; I thought that I could never feel more pain than I did in the last six months before he moved out, but it turns out that you can always feel more pain. I don't think there's a threshold on this sort of thing. I thought I knew what Gordon was experiencing when I dragged him to counseling and he thought he was losing me, but I didn't. I had no idea. I had no idea that I hurt him this much, and if I understood he was hurting this much, I would have tried and tried and tried and tried. I never would have given up on him. By that point, we had pushed each other so far away that we just couldn't relate. We were both so scared of continued pain that we hid it from one another.
He said if I had asked him for this in February, or even two months ago, he would have said yes in a minute. But everything's different now, and he needs time to think about this. But I couldn't have asked him for this in February, or even two months ago, because as individuals we weren't capable of it then. I feel like this is my only window, but I might be too late. I've ****ed everything up so badly, and I might lose him forever. I'm so scared. I'm so ****ing scared of what I've done to our marriage, and to him, to me. I'm just too damn proud and such a stupid know-it-all that I couldn't see past the end of my own damn nose.
I'm so scared he's going to choose her. She's new, and he thinks he can be happy with her. There's no baggage, no bad history. And he's worried that he and I will just fall into the same old patterns; I think if we both work (independently and together) to change our destructive behaviors that we can mitigate that risk, but he's not so sure. I think he still loves me; no, scratch that, I know he still loves me, But I also know that he's scared, and he's still in a lot of pain. And if we do reconcile, this isn't going to be easy.
I'm terrified. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I started smoking again (stupid, I know!). I've started cleaning maniacally, because part of me thinks if he sees I'm really trying on this one aspect that I can do more and I can be better. I've been trying to come up with some grand gesture to show him just how much I love him and how sorry I am. I've come up with a few ideas, which if he doesn't find them romantic and endearing, might make me look like a stalker.
He said yesterday that he needed time to think, to which I responded that I didn't expect an answer immediately. But he also couldn't give me a time window, so I have no idea how long this all will drag on. I could hear from him tomorrow, it might be three weeks from now. But I know the longer it takes - because he'll still be seeing her while he's deciding what he wants to do (unless she puts their relationship on hold herself) - the chances of him choosing reconciliation decrease. And this update to another friend on August 12: The long and short of it is that his answer is "no" which he gave me yesterday after I came out of emergency surgery. Because I called him and asked him to come and be with me, because there was no one else I wanted there.
I had thought, if I fight for him, if I show him how committed I am to this, he'll see that we can fix things. But everything that I did, which I thought of as grand gestures proving my dedication, come across as pushy and manipulative to someone who doesn't want them. It all depends on the perspective of the receiver. I think now that he was already leaning towards no, and my actions just pushed him in the direction; if he was leaning towards yes, my actions would have also pushed him in the direction of yes. It was all in how he received them. If he was going to say no, he was going to say no, no matter what I did, and vice versa.
But at least I know that I did everything I could. There's not more thinking, well, if I had just done this or if I had only said that, things would be different. There's none of that. There is nothing more I could have done, nothing more I could have said, to change the outcome of this situation.
And he's still angry, at things I've done this week, and at things I've done in the past. He didn't let on to that before, just how angry he was. And if he can't let go of that anger - and if he couldn't be that honest with me about his anger in the first place - then we're not really in a place where reconciliation is possible.
And to be honest, I'm not sure how much sugar-coating he's been putting on his statements to keep from hurting me. He doesn't want to hurt me, but the sugar-coating is unfair because it leads me on. If he couldn't be honest about how angry he's been with me, then he's not being as honest as I thought he was (even though he's been much more honest with me recently than he has in a long time). And if we can't both be completely honest and deal with these difficult emotions - and I know that anger is a very difficult emotion for both of us - there's no way we can work through our relationship problems.
So maybe it's for the best. He kept saying, "I don't think I can be the husband you need. I don't think I can love you the way you deserve." I think that's a cop-out, personally, and I'm the one who decides what I need and what I deserve. But maybe he's right; maybe he can't give me the love I need. Because for this to work, we need to be able to start over, and we can't do that if he can't let go of the pain and the hurt. He says that he's mourned our relationship and that he's moved on, but I think he's done more burying of his emotions than actually dealing with them.
But I told him earlier this week that I never wanted a divorce, that I never hired a lawyer, and if he wants a divorce, he's going to have to make it happen. As much as I just want this to be over now that he's made it clear, I'm going to stick by what I said. If I go and file now, that's only going to reinforce his belief that I'm flip-flopping and all over the place. I live in DC, and he moved to VA. Since we separated just over 6 mos ago, I could file today and have this all finished in a month. But since he's not done anything yet to establish residency in VA (no VA driver's license yet) and because they have different laws, he would first have to establish residency, and then wait a year before we could get divorced.
So if he thinks about it some more and changes his mind - though I doubt that will happen - the door will be open just a little longer. And I do my best to move on. If I reach a point where I definitely want the door closed, I will go ahead and file, but I don't feel a strong need to at this point. If he is indeed making a hasty decision, I don't want my response to also be rash.
He was my first love, my first real relationship. The (2) longest relationship(s) I had before STBXH was 2 months (each); I'm not really sure how I expected that to last. Even smart girls get caught up in fairy tales, I suppose. I think I've learned a lot, and I hope I'll do better the next time around. I'm doing much better than I was at the time of the Aug 5 letter. Even so, the two weeks since have been an absolute roller coaster. Rationally, I know a divorce is probably the right thing for both of us; I go back and I read my older threads/posts, and I see how unhappy I was. But sometimes, I can't stop thinking about the good stuff and little memories pop up everywhere. Like last night, I ordered Moo Goo Gai Pan, which struck a chord when I started eating it. Why? Because I used to always pick out all the mushrooms and give them to him because he loved the mushrooms. These little things keep breaking off little pieces of my heart. I've been packing up all of his stuff and putting it in a storage unit, because 1) I can't stand to look at it any longer, and 2) if I don't do it, it will be there until I move, because he will never move it himself. And so he agreed to meet up with me this past Sunday to go to the storage unit and sign it over to him - so we're stuck in the car together for 30 min each way. I can't even bring myself to look at him or say anything, and so he's trying to fill the silence, telling me everything that's going on with his parents, and this trip he's planning on taking to New England. And I'm just not talking at all. We stopped at the Home Depot (I needed a vacuum filter) next to the storage place, and all I could think of was how we'll never take any more trips to Home Depot together, because we're never going to buy the fixer-up farmhouse we always wanted! I was a wreck, but I managed to keep it together. WTF is wrong with me??? I've been distancing emotionally for the entire separation, and for months before that, and this is all hitting me like a Mack truck now. And then sometimes, I feel totally OK. WTF??? And rationally, I know he's all wrong for me, and it's clear he has no intention to change, so WHY AM I DOING THIS??? |
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