Passive-Aggressive Husband??

I'm pretty sure my husband is a passive aggressive personality, and he is driving me crazy. I've been reading up on a lot of information about passive-aggressive behavior and he has a lot of the traits. I'm giving some long examples below. Sorry , but I feel like it's therapy for me to write it all out. He constantly shirks responsibility. We've come to a point to where he doesn't do anything around the apartment. He takes stuff out and doesn't put it back. He never cleans his dishes. I've asked him a million times to please just clean his dishes at least. And he still doesn't. If he actually acknowledges what I'm saying, it turns into…"what's the big deal?" Or "you wanted to be a wife" (oh that's my favorite)…always masked behind his….I'm in a joking tone but I'm actually serious….. I asked him for almost a month to hang something up for me so I could hang-dry laundry. He just didn't do it…It's the 'yeah…ok' response and it just never happens. These are the most recent examples that I can think of….but he acknowledges what I say…and says 'sure'…but then just never does it. We argued so much last year between his behavior, my subsequent attitude, and our problems with him running our business (it didn't go well because he has zero business and time management skills I found out), and I was so unhappy and stressed that our sex life went to a trickle. For once he finally blew up about SOMETHING…and it was our sex life. It was very random times he would blow up about it, but at least he told me his true feelings…albeit in a very harsh way. He demanded we see a sex therapist and probably find a doctor to prescribe me some pills to bring back my libido. Our first appointment with the therapist he was 30 mins late (he's always late), and then he gave his honest opinion if not a bit sugarcoated with his 'nice guy' persona. She suggested we make time for ourselves with no work involved…like 'dates'(we worked so much because of the business that when I came to bed late at night I was just tired and wanted to sleep because I had to get up the next day and go to my 9-5. So there would have to be a night there was no work). He cancelled our first 'date'. Then a few days later said the idea was stupid. He didn't want to do it. Our next appointment with the therapist he said he didn't want to go. I went by myself. It turned into a therapy session for me. She suggested marriage counseling instead of sex therapy..as that is what it sounded like what we really needed. I told him, and he just 'pshhhed…what a big rip-off therapists are.' And we never made it into a 3rd appointment. I decided he was trying to scare me into having sex again, to help me 'see the light' about what I was doing wrong, and when the therapist didn't look at me and say 'you need to have sex with your husband', but instead said 'you both need to work on this and do this and this….' He was like…ummmmm no. He has started going out with his sister some nights, she just moved into town this month. She's single and wanting to go out and meet people, and asks her brother to come with her. I'm ok with him going out most of the time. His son (my stepson) only visits once or twice a year..he stays for a month and a half in the summer…and we have no other kids. So why not? I'm perfectly capable of entertaining myself. I personally am not too much of a nightlife person…I could care less, and he pretty much is (was?) the same way. He's only gone out a few times, and they stay out until 3 a.m. I get a little worried since it's so late, but if I text him he always texts back so I feel way better. I don't like the idea of him being out with all those single women, but I know he's with his sister and he always comes home. He's never given me a reason to be insecure. One of the very rare times I practically fought tooth-and-nail for him not to go out with his sister was a night his son was in town, and we were supposed to take a road trip the next morning early. I think he was getting back at me because there was a miscommunication, and apparently I was supposed to take Monday off work, so I 'ruined' the plans. I didn't understand why he was going out when his son was looking forward to the trip, there was no way he was going to get up in the morning and drive a long distance after being out late. He just looked at me like I was crazy for not wanting him to go. Needless to say he went anyways, and the roadtrip never happened. I live many states away from my family and bff, I'm by myself except for my H and his family. It's been this way from pretty much the beginning of our relationship 4.5 years ago. I'm a private person and don't let just anyone into my life, but I've finally met another girl whom I've begun to forge what seems to be a potentially great friendship. She's close to my age, loves (and owns) horses…which I also love and have always wanted to have my own, she's newly single however isn't big into night-life either, professional and works a desk job like me, and on-and-on. My passion for horses has definitely re-kindled since meeting her. Unfortunately (and fortunately), in pursuit of her own dreams she purchased land an hour and a half away from me. The past 3 months I've been making the trip out there every other weekend or so to see her, ride horses, and just have girl-time. I actually always invite my H because he likes to ride horses too, but he will usually decline, or he has to work. After making the drive out to her, my girlfriend and I will spend the whole day riding horses, and by the time we eat dinner and get back to her house it's late and sometimes I don't want to drive back. I actually would rather be home, in my own bed, cuddling with my H, but it's the responsible choice. This has happened twice and I will usually do this on a Saturday. My H has never been a very clingy person, I actually sometimes feel ignored by him when I'm away from him or out of town because he almost NEVER calls or texts to see how I'm doing or where I am. I'M the one always checking in. I find this weird…but I'd rather have that than a super-clingy H so I take it that he just trusts me and doesn't want to bother me. I told him two-weeks ago that my friend invited us out on Sunday because she rented a cabin and we should come ride horses and then swim in the lake. He sounded semi-interested, and I expressed sincere interested in going and I would love for him to come. 'Maybe'. He did have to drop his son off at the airport at 2:30 p.m. so he felt like it may have not been worth the trip since we would go so late. I wanted to go really bad, so I told him I would go and if he changed his mind please come out. I left around 1 p.m. because I ironed my stepson's laundry, helped him pack his bag, did a little work with our business, and said my goodbyes when they got into the car for the airport. My afternoon was horseback riding, we went to the grocery store to get burgers and drove to the cabin and we swam around in the lake and ate dinner. I had sent way less texts than I usually do to my H, but I did let him know when I got there, and I sent him pics of the cabin, and around 10:30 p.m. he text me and asked if I was ok. I said yes and we were leaving the cabin soon (busy playing Sorry with the neighbors kids lol). Once we left and went back to her land to get my car, it was so beautiful outside (you can see all the stars there), we ended up walking around the pasture, looking at the stars and just talking. Well the talking in the pasture was very much unplanned…but it was so nice to talk to someone. So I didn't leave for home until 1:00 a.m. I knew it was super late to be driving, but I wanted to get home, cuddle with my H and wake up for work the next morning…I'd be tired but oh well. I'll drink coffee first thing and take a nap when I get home from work. I made the drive home, it wasn't fun, but I didn't feel at any point like I couldn't do it. He happened to text me about two minutes after I left and I text him back letting him know I was on my way and I was coming home to him. I arrived home to a half-asleep H with a serious attitude problem, asking me a million questions about what we did and what we talked about when we were in the pasture. He never tells me a lot of details about what he does when he goes out, or conversations he has with people, I have to really grill him to get any details out of him, and all of a sudden he's demanding to know every little thing that happened. That it was 'weird' for wanting to do this on a Sunday. That he was 'worried'…which was said in such a way that I don't think 'worried' was the right word…I think it was a guilt-trip word. That he was going to have to be the one to come and get me if anything happened, that no one out there (where my friend is at) cares about me and he would have to go out there and pick me up. I drive an old car and I'm driving all that way, and now late at night. And if he hadn't text me when he did I would've spent the night out there (he thought I was lying that I had just left by the time he text me). I didn't know what to say, I was pretty taken back by his attitude. I had a million comebacks, but I knew it wasn't going to do any good. I was actually hurt because he was coming from a place that I was being inconvenient to him, and it was obviously something he had reservations about me doing in the first place, and was not really out of concern that something may happen to me…that may have been a small portion of it but not the full story. All this coming from a man who is a night owl, who constantly stays up late to be tired at work the next day, and has known for awhile that I wanted to go out there on Sunday and practically begged him to come with me. I decided not to react in anger and argue back, just indignant that he thinks I'm a liar and don't understand why he's acting that way, and I just asked him to cuddle me because I'm cold – which he ignores me. The next morning I get the cold-shoulder and 'well I guess since you had fun it was worth it…why not'. All the while very little eye-contact and no touching or kissing and no 'I love you' when he leaves. I'm so tired of this routine from him when he gets his attitude that I don't even react anymore. I generally just give him the cold shoulder right back….I don't feel like I should feel guilty, although I think he wants me to. He will stick with his point of view though, and then I start wondering if maybe he's right…. One of the most recent incidences I actually called him out on was his need for me to announce everything we have in the refrigerator. He has this thing where he will decide one day to go through the fridge and he'll find something and pull it out and say to me, "what?! There's asparagus in this refrigerator and I didn't know it! It's going bad now *tsk tsk*. I would've eaten it if you would've told me it was there! Now we have to throw it away. Such a waste (sigh)." Me: "I didn't know I needed to tell you everything we had in the fridge, it was right there in the drawer." H: "Well you should've told me. I didn't know it was there". It's upsetting to me when he does this, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. So after a few incidences of this, I decided to come back with my own P/A behavior and sent him a 'public service announcement' text that I had bought new fruits and veggies at the farmers market, and they would be located throughout the fridge and please take a look so you know what's there. As usual…he didn't take me seriously and went on with his life. Quite a few nights later…it was the same thing. H:"We have tomatoes??? Why didn't you tell me!"..Me: "I made a public service announcement over text about the veggies." H: "What is that? You were serious?" Me: "Yes, so you couldn't say what you're saying to me right now". H: "That's a weird thing to do. You should've told me we had these" Me: "I did…" H: "No you didn't" Me: (now getting angry) "I'm the only the woman in the world that has to announce to her husband every single thing that's in the fridge. Go freakin' look in the fridge yourself and see what's there" H: "But I didn't see it…I can't find anything in this fridge it's too messy" and I then start to get madder until he gives me the 'you have too much attitude, what's wrong with you' look. Now I feel guilty for being mad. And I'm a bad person because I have too much attitude. So many examples of me reacting to him, and then me feeling guilty for reacting. I feel like I'm standing up for myself, but then I start second-guessing if I was right in my reaction. Every…single….time. He hides behind his "I'm joking" way of speaking…so that if I do react in a negative way he can say "I'm just joking, what's your problem?". He likes to criticize me in random ways, and usually out of nowhere. Never in front of others, always by ourselves. I don't take criticism very well in the first place as I take it right to heart, and the way he dishes it out is usually hurtful to me. I know he takes criticism like a champ, but he doesn't understand that I cannot be like him. I tell him it hurts my feelings and he pretty much says it shouldn't. Or he turns it around somehow that I'm insecure and have issues. I feel like everything I do is not good enough. I don't cook enough, clean good enough, show affection good enough, help with the business good enough….. I've changed a lot for him, but he's not changing a thing. When I do more around the house I'm all happy thinking he's going to be happy with all the work I've done, he won't acknowledge it, and so finally when I feel like I need some acknowledgement I come up to him, give him a kiss and say, 'look baby I did this and that….' He looks at me and says in his semi-joking tone 'you're supposed to do that. See? It's not so bad….' This can turn into an argument…depending on how much I feel like defending myself that day. He doesn't listen to me, it's like he tunes out on most things I say. He blames me for making him less 'affectionate' because I'm not super-affectionate like he was when we first met…so now he's 'used-to not being affectionate…because of you'. I'm big on kisses, hugs, cuddles and caresses and lots of 'I love you's'….his definition of affection in the beginning was that plus fawning all over him at all possible moments..…I'm just not the constant 'fawner'. We spent $25k to start the business that he wanted, and I was fully supportive. Now that I'm asking for $2k to buy a horse so I can ride he pretty much says no without really saying "no". Then I somehow feel guilty for wanting to spend money. But he DEFINITELY needs to get his car re-painted because it looks "like crap" (he just bought it used and it does have some dents/paint damage…but honestly not THAT bad. I've had an older car that's needed a paint job for years now, but we never wanted to invest in that). I feel victimized without really knowing how to explain I feel victimized. I hate that word because I love him, but I'm confused. Some days I really feel like I had enough….but then I always come back full circle wondering if maybe I'm really the problem.....

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