| Hi there, I stumbled upon this website and am hoping to receive some genuine feedback/advice. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2. We were young when we got together and endured some trying times early on. There were instances of my husband lying to me about some pretty big and upsetting things (this was about 10 years ago). He had hooked up with a girl when we were "on a break," so though it wasn't cheating, it was very hurtful..mostly because he lied about his actions and I found out the truth later on. Around that same time, when we were in college, he was really into porn (in college) and lied to me a lot about it. Since that time, we were able to resolve big issues and, though we have had ups and downs and challenges over the past 10 years, we really grew up, matured, and he became a really great, honest, trustworthy man. For years, he has been my best friend and I have trusted him completely. I know that he would never cheat on me, and I have felt good being with him. We went to counseling before we got married, and things have been pretty good overall. Today, however, I discovered something that brought me right back to 10 years ago when he used to lie to me. I felt feelings of shock and disbelief and pain I had forgotten about. But I was taken right back and feel completely traumatized and betrayed. What happened was I had to go into my husband's email to get a flight itinerary for his upcoming business trip. I only am on his email a few times a year, when I need a confirmation email or something like an itinerary. When in the email thread with the itinerary (which was a thread between my husband, his boss, and some coworkers) I noticed an unusual box I had never seen before that said some messages of the thread had been deleted. I thought this was very strange; why would my husband delete portions of a work related thread? I guess maybe it was his guilty conscience thinking that I go in his email so he has to hide things, when in actuality I can count on one hand how often I am on his email. So I clicked a button that sai d "restore deleted messages." Then I saw what he didn't want me to see: portions of the thread that mentioned a gig my husband had worked a couple of weeks ago that he had lied to me about. My husband is very talented in his profession and most of the gigs he works are very professional and there are no problems. In his line of work, though, there are sometimes events which involve girls dancing in their underwear. It turns out my husband had worked a 15 hour day, working closely with these half naked girls, and lied to me about it. I specifically remember asking him about it because it was such a long day, and he lied right to my face and said it was something completely different than what it was. He then deleted portions of the thread to hide evidence, and even went so far as to forward me a message from his boss and he deleted some of his boss' sentences that referred the event he had lied about! I couldn't believe it. His boss literally wrote "you deserve this trip, esp ecially after your work with [the half naked dancers]." It broke my heart. I couldn't believe that he had accepted the gig in the first place because he knows how I feel about that kinda stuff (what wife would want her husband around girls dancing in their underwear for 15 hours?). He is a contractor so he can make his own schedule and choose to accept or decline gigs. I understand it's work, but I can't help my old fashioned feelings and not being thrilled at the idea of this event. If it was honestly discussed up front, I would feel way better about it than him deliberately lying to me and doing it behind my back. I confronted him about his lies, and his explanation was that it was a good career opportunity so he didn't want to turn it down, yet he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I would be upset. I feel so betrayed, like I can never trust him again. I will always think he is lying and or hiding something from me. I also feel like a fool because everyone he works with knew about what he had done and were all high fiving and congratulating him....and I was the only one who didn't know a thing about it. The lie was so intentional....I feel like I can't even trust him as a friend, let alone a spouse. So all those old feelings from 10 years ago, when we were young and unsure of who we were, came back. Only this time, we are adults. We are married. I feel betrayed, like our marriage vows have been broken. I just cannot believe that he would lie to me like this (and then lie to protect his lies, etc). It is so hurtful! I hate this pain and this hollowness I feel. I thought this was the behavior of college students, not married adults 10 years later who had supposedly resolved such issues. I no longer feel safe or protected. This lie on its own may not seem like a big deal, but coupled with the lies of the past, I now feel skeptical and unsure of everything. Adding to my heartache is feeling completely alone. Just last year I quit my job, left my family, my friends, my hobbies, my whole life to move across the country for my husband and this job of his. I am proud of his work and respect his career very much and I was happy and excited to make the big move. But I have realiz ed I'm not happy living out here and miss my family so much. My husband is the only family I have out here. I have made new friends out here, but they are new friends and so I am not extremely close with them yet as I am with my friends back home. I feel like I have no one to go to or confide in and I am living with a stranger. I have given up so much for him and I am miserable. I am mad at myself for going along with him, but I trusted him. He's the only one I want to be with, yet he hurts me SO much!! I just don't know what to do. I HATE the lies; they break my heart. He says he won't lie anymore, but how do you believe a liar? A separation would be nice but, again, being all the way across the country from everyone I am closest with, makes it hard. I don't have my own car or money so without family or very close friends near by, I feel leaving and starting over would be next to impossible. I feel pretty stinking trapped. I feel like an idiot for supporting him only to hav e him betray me. I would like to have a happy and healthy and successful marriage, but if the next lie comes I can't imagine how much worse I'd feel then. I want to be with him, just don't want to keep getting hurt. Any advice? | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
No comments:
Post a Comment