| Hi, I wonder if anyone could help me workout a way to deal with this extremely sad and upsetting situation and advise on the best way to go about trying to reconcile with the woman I love dearly and who I was meant to be marrying. This is quite complicated spanning over an eight year period so I will start from the very beginning to help with understanding exactly what has happened. I'm a 36 year old male and going back to March 2005 I met through a dating website the woman of my dreams who I'll refer to as J for her protection. (She has an unusual name that could otherwise be easily recognized with a google search.) We dated for just over 2 years until July 2007 and during that period we had such a wonderful time together doing all the usual stuff that close couples do like eating out, the cinema, holidays away etc etc etc. We have so much in common and are like two peas in a pod in so many ways. In the June of 2007 we hit an obstacle as we ended up with an unwanted pregnancy and J panicked quite significantly as although we never wanted children J also understandably said that she could never go through with an abortion either. I reassured J that I would be there for her and support her throughout whatever she decided to do. She decided on a termination however even though I said that I would be there for her J went on to say that she no longer loved me anymore and finished our relationship before I knew what had happened. She went completely cold on me after finishing the relationship and didn't want to even speak anymore. I was devastated. I never really knew exactly what happened at the time and if J really went through with the termination due to the fact that she just wouldn't communicate with me at all even though I tried desperately to communicate with her. (We'd never really got to know each others friends at the time.) Whatever I did she just wouldn't talk. Four years went by and I have to say that I really did miss her everyday of that time so very much. During that time I have to also confess that I was very lost due mainly to our situation but also because I ended up suffering with serious migraines everyday for months on end which interfered with my work. I am an experienced floor layer by trade however in 2008 I decided to have a go at growing on ornamental pond fish as a way to an income as it's something that I have always been interested in and due to the migraines I thought that it would be more flexible. Even though I so desperately wanted I never thought that I would ever see J again however to my amazement in July 2011 she ended up sending me a card saying that she had been to see a counsellor and if I wasn't in a relationship said that she would like to meet up again. I just couldn't believe it and I was so happy and excited to have heard from her and I replied saying that I would also like to meet up with her. We met up and talked and J said that although at one point after she went through with the abortion she said that she pretty much hated me the counsellor had made her realize that in fact she did actually still love me. I had never stopped loving J for all the time that we had been apart and it wasn't long before we were back together as loving partners again and planning to get married. We were both so happy it really was amazing. Here's where the crunch comes. The ornamental fish business that I had started to set up turned out not to be as flexible as I had imagined at the time and I unwittingly bit off more than I could chew with it. To cut a long story short, I needed to finish building what I had started or else all of the fish that I had accumulated by that time were extremely vulnerable to dying due to how quickly they were growing in their temporary ponds and pools and I also needed to be close by due to the fact that if there was ever a power failure (and there often was) I needed to be there to start up emergency equipment or else again they would have all died within an hour or two of the power going off. This as anyone could understand was very very restricting indeed regarding going out in the way that J and myself always used to as a couple and I just couldn't find a way around it until I had finished what I had set out to do before J actually got back in contact again. (I was on a really tight budget and just couldn't afford to employ anyone to help out.) Both J and myself absolutely love animals with J caring about them so much that she often goes on animal welfare demos and won't touch a product that has been tested on them, however as time went on I just wasn't able to convince her that she is infinitely more important to me than the fish I was building a permanent site for due to the fact that I couldn't spend as much time with J as as we both desperately wanted. I really thought that J understood the situation due to how much that she actually cares for animals as the bottom line was that they could have all easily died if left and if not properly looked after. Anyway, literally just as I was completing what I needed to do for the fish back towards the end of March this year J sadly finished our relationship again saying that I had "neglected" her and not spent enough time together. She has also gone extremely cold towards me again even though we seemed to finish as friends and I quite willingly helped her move all of her stuff out of mine and into her new flat with her. And she seemed to be in no rush whatsoever to get away from me at the time even wanting to stay for dinner and to watch tv together. I have managed to get an answer as to why she has gone cold and she has replied and said that I have "hurt" her as I made her feel "neglected" and "unimportant" with how much time I spent on trying to sort out all of the fish. She has also said that she is "very sad and disappointed" about what has happened and that she really wanted it to workout between us. I tried to arrange a face to face chat with her to try to explain just how sp ecial she is to me but she just said that there was nothing that I could say that would make any difference and that our relationship is over. I have also tried writing to her (it wasn't the best of letters re-reading it) to explain how special she is to me but again she has just said that I've hurt her, and that although she wanted our relationship to work and that it really would have been "wonderful" if it had of, there's no getting away from the fact that I put the fish first and neglected her and it's too late now as she has made up her mind and we're finished. I just don't know what to do because there is just no way that any fish is more important or even close to J (it's almost ridiculous to think so) but I cannot seem to make her realize this. I just feel like pulling my hair out because I'm so frustrated at not knowing how to make her understand just how special she is to me and that I was just temporarily cornered away from her and us with the fish. I have now gone back to the floor-laying instead of carrying on with the fish as I now seem to have control over the migraines which I mentioned in the letter however J has said that I'm just adding insult to injury by telling her this after how long she waited for me to deal with the fish. She is clearly very very upset at what has happened. Something else that is confusing me that I would like to understand is that I have been paying back some money I borrowed off of J bit by bit however she is refusing to acknowledge that she is receiving it. (I've been sending her a cheque by post as she doesn't want to see me.) I don't mean that she is denying that she has got it, just that she doesn't want to strike up any conversation with me by confirming that she has actually received it. This is something that is really quite unsettling for me as it doesn't make a great deal of sense and what is concerning me the most is that I have witnessed J self-harming by literally punching herself in the head when very little has been wrong and I am now really very very worried about her state of mind. Just what do I do especially as I'm not really very close to any of her friends although I do now know two of them and her Mum is just not very approachable. I also feel that I could make matters worst by going behind J's back by app roaching anyone she knows. The situation now is that she has asked me to leave her alone just over six weeks ago which I have done as I really don't want to hurt, upset or push her away any further but I am obviously very worried about her for reasons mentioned and although I desperately want to contact her I feel that I can't as she has asked me not to. I also desperately want her to realize that although I can see how she could feel second place to these fish because of all the time I spent with them that in fact there is just no comparison whatsoever and that she is far far more important to me than anything or anyone ever could be. Naturally I also want her to realize that I really and truly do love her to the bottom of my heart and I very much want us to be together. Any sound advice on the best way to handle this would be very very much appreciated. Norton | |||
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