Phoenix from the Ashes.

New me. New thread. This post is a bit long to give anyone new to the thread a heads up. The amazing guys and lovely (oh you know who you are! ;) ) ladies of TAM that have helped me so much already can probably skip this post. For anyone interested in my whining, begging, pleading and general 2x4 worthy behaviour; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...free-2x2s.html Or to cut that thread down to one post; Summary of "Us"; Together 10 years, married 7. Seperated 4 months now and I moved out 2 months ago. 3 boys, now 12, 8, 5. Started amazing, great 5 years together. I have many unresolved childhood issues that I may go into here at some point but not yet. Anyway they led to major long term depression. For maybe 3 years we coped ok with it. I refused to seek help though thinking I was winning through with it. I wasn't. Looking back I believe i was heading towards a total breakdown. This led to the last two years being horrible. I was miserable and very depressed. I was making home life miserable for Mrs.C and she was becoming increasingly tired and disillusioned at my ignoring the situation. She repeatedly tried to reach me and I carried on head down. It came to a head when I blindly put myself ahead of the family financial situation and her health. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time; but with my head out of my ass now i can see how skewed my thinking had become. We argued, I shouted If you don't want to be together anymore, just say so. So she did. I have spent the last 4 months alternating between trying to fix myself with half an eye on gaining a chance of R to being in full on ooh work on us . Quite sad. I believe I have made a solid effort at showing the new me but I can't make her feel what she doesn't. All my effort to show her the real new me, was for nothing. I should have been doing it 100% for me in the first place. I thought I was doing it for me but I feel differently now so i think I was fooling myself. Two days ago, I finally ran up the white flag. I am done. I still love her deeply but I can't do this. I can't keep hanging on for a sign from her that isn't coming. Would i be all over R if she offered it? Without a doubt. But I no longer think it is coming so it is time to act like it isn't. Sad but true. I will no longer be making 'overtures' (no honest I won't..), I will no longer be trying to show her my changes. It is now all about me. Pre depression K.C was a decent guy, good enough to catch Mrs.C (and she was/is a catch no doubt). He was emotionally immature though and had the unresolved issues.. he never ever felt worthy of Mrs.C. he believed he had to sacrifice himself on th alter of family to be a good Dad and Husband. Mrs.C always said to get out and do stuff but i withdrew into my family more and more. They became my entire world. If they were happy I was happy. Even when I was unhappy. I would say at least I am a good family man. If they were unhappy, my world would be on the brink and I was worthless. Codependent much? This along with my skeletons, led to the big dark cloud and all the above was exaggerated. To put it simply; Original K.C. was an immature but 'good' guy. A scared boy playing at being a man. Ever so "slightly" codependent. Depressed K.C. was an ass. Moody, distant, uncommunicative, emotionally unavailable. Still codependent but without the good side to it! Mrs.C convinced herself I was having an affair which of course was a major contributor to her feeling. She says it wasn't the main issue but I don't see how it could but fail to colour her thinking. I have never so much as looked at another woman though I can see how my behavior appeared to suggest an affair. Why she never confronted me I still don't know. Maybe just as there was no evidence (how could there be when i didn't have one). Maybe one day i will ask. It is irrelevant though. She now believes there was no affair and still doesn't want me back. The other things that I did do were bad enough to see to that. That is not self flagellation, just honest reflection. The feeling you have for a partner is no longer there for her. We still get on really well and are doing a fantastic job with the boys between us. She has them full time as I just rent a room locally and they are at the family home, but I still count myself as full time too. I arrive home at 7am to help with school run etc, I leave when they go bed. Except when I don't and stay over or whatever or have a late shift in work. I am incredibly lucky (heh). I see just as much of my boys as if I still lived there. That is so important to me. They mean everything to me and i refuse to be any less than a full time Dad. There is no animosity between us and the kids are handling it really very well. So that's that. It is over. Time for K.C to rise from the ashes of his marriage like the Phoenix of legend.

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