can't I stop loving this man I hate so much

I started this thread for Jacque... it's not about my life but hers. Where do I begin...we met in 1998, married in 99. He made me feel safe, protected and at least I thought "loved". It was all a farce. I have been verbally, physically and emotionally abused. He is an alcoholic passive aggressive prick who continues to make my life a living hell. He has never apologized for anything. I am the one who does just to have peace in the home. Whatever I do it's wrong to him. Just last week he pretty much told me he doesn't care anymore. I said let's talk about it. He never wants to communicate. Everything goes under the rug, till that same problem comes back again. Wash,rinse repeat..His drinking is getting worse to where he drinks an 18-24 pack of beer a day. The next morning is so scary because that's when he is so mean. Yesterday I went to visit my parents. When I returned he locked me out of my bedroom. I asked him please to unlock the door. Finally, I said I would call the police and get a restraining order. He opened the door violently and ca me at me with his fist in the air. I looked at him and said, "get your last shot in before you go to jail" He put his fist down and then proceeded to call me a c*nt at least 20 times. The b word another 20. Oh, and said he hopes I die in my sleep. This was because I asked him to open the door. Here is the kicker. I am a smart, mature , educated woman. Why can't I stop loving this man I hate so much.

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