Just admitted to being CSA and had sex w/the man I told

I wish I knew where to start, I am 45 years old and just admitted to being sexually abused from the age of 10 until 24 by a close family friend that lived next door then became my "guardian" after my parents divorced. My mother became an extreme alcoholic around the time we met our neighbor, I was 10. My parents were happily married and I had the "perfect" childhood. I am an only child and the only extended family i have were my Ps and Grand parents ( maternal). By the time I was 14 my Ps got divorced, my mom's drinking was the reason they split, may dad loved her until the day she passed (9 years ago). The whole time I was going through this my wealthy next door neighbor became a close friend to the family and bought me lots of things, he was single and had just moved back to the US from Europe. My parents had no clue that every time I was at his place I was in a sexual relationship with him. I wanted to have some background to my story...fast forward to this past december, I was talking with a friend and she mentioned one of her clients was being convicted of abusing his daughter, that was the trigger...didn't even know there was ever going to be an issue with my past. I have been BF with my male (married) next door neighbor, our families are (were) friends and spend most of the summers outside together. After the trigger I do not know why, but I needed to tell someone of my past, I chose my NDN, I told him on the phone, he was able to talk me through a lot, he was the only person I told. Within a few weeks of disclosing this to him, I do not know wy, but I allowed (even encouraged) our relationship to become physical. It was more of a sense of ultimate closeness and intimacy, maybe appreciation for allowing me to tell him. We did get together a couple of times, sexually, but more often it was just meeting up in the car and talking and being held. My behavior changed and my husband noticed, instead of confronting me, he began to video tape while I was emailing my NDN, he did this for weeks and reviewed all of the emails and saw a lot of love between us, and a place I found very safe. He confronted me after he had plenty of evidence. A week after he confronted me I became suicidal and began cutting , my H asked me why I am this way, then he asked the million dollar question..were you sexually aboused as a child, I lost it. No one was ever supposed to know. Now, I just feel the need for the friendship with the NDN, and I do not need the sexual part of the relationship, I want to keep the only person I have ever trusted to tell (without being cornered) to still be here for me...I just want to know if anyone else has ever been in this situation...I do not want to lose either one of them, but my H says if I do not cut all contact with the NDN, we will be done. I know for him to trust must be impossible, but with all of the hell that I have just unleashed on myself for admitting the CSA, I feel a loss of either one of them will definitely send me to a early end. If you ask straight forward questions, I will be happy to reply. Also my husband and I have been living in 2 different worlds for years and I cannot say our marriage has been happy for the past 5 years or so.

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