Hate - Just a Stage

I've posted this before, so apologies for anyone who has read it, but trying to make a long story short: About 5 months ago, my wife had an affair with a married man she met in this game she had been addicted to. She begged me to reconcile, but began immediately backsliding, blameshifting, accusing me of invading her privacy, etc. People on this board warned me that I was messing up by trying to reconcile in the face of that, but I didn't listen. I thought surely this marriage and our kids are important enough to get through... It was a terrible year for us. My wife was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, which is part of the reason it was easy for me to push through the false starts of the reconciliation. Just recently, she had to have iodine radiation therapy and I now know the moment I had to leave the house because of it, she started video chatting with this guy in Ireland she had also met through the game that she had promised me over and over she was no longer playing. I confronted her, she told me it was nothing and that she thought maybe we needed a trial separation. I left that day while she was sitll out of town. When she came back, she was again leaning towards us trying to reconcile, insisting the guy was nothing but a friend...just a dumb kid who made her laugh. Anyway that was a of course, another lie. Through bluffing and a VAR, I learned she had been performing for him sexually on cam, in our bed while I was out of the house. I've also gathered they were at the least cyber sexing through text, possibly the night after I left the house, if it wasn't going on before. Problem with someone prone to affairs is you have to assume you aren't getting the truth on anything. Anyway, there's a lot more detail, but that's the brunt of it. I pleaded at first for her to wake up and help me save this marriage, which in hindsight, reading the things I have, I've realized was really dense and probably a bit pathetic. I just wanted to save our family and our marriage so bad. I've been doing my best to cease contact with her about anything personal lately, unfriending her on Facebook, but when I go to visit the kids she'll usually follow me outside. A couple times now, she has suggested she wants us to, "still be friends. Or at least friendly acquantinces." The truth of the matter is though, she makes my stomach turn. It's everything I can do to bite my tongue and just tell her outright the overriding feelings I have towards her now are contempt and hatred. The love is still very much there as I can't just apparently turn it off as easily as she can, and that's where the pain comes from. I don't like feeling...hatred towards anyone. It's not my nature, but that she would insult me by suggesting we should still be friends after I had to hear her telling another man vocally how she wanted him to eff her while putting on a show for him on camera, is beyond me. Just thinking about the fact she couldn't even think about our kids...that my relationship with my stepson would automatically be damaged from her selfish actions is enough to make me sick. She isn't well and lives in a fantasy world, which is what the relationship with this guy is, and I try to focus on that to keep me from feeling so negatively towards her, but I can't help it. It's like this...selfish, deceitful creature was all along disguising herself as my wife. Is it natural to feel this way or am I going overboard? Will this pass, because I kind of want it to. I want to get to where I'm completely indifferent towards her, but I don't know how I can be. No one has put me through the heartbreak and psychological hell that this woman has in all my life.

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