Hello, I've done some lurking and found some great advice on this forum- this is my first post.
My wife and I have been married 11 years. We're both instructors at a two year school and have a 2 year old boy.
She is a music teacher, and has long hours away from home and close relationships with students-even more so during the school musicals which can get pretty emotional and cathartic. One night when I set up a romantic evening in the spare bedroom, she and her attractive young male protege both came in, and he took the liberty of going in and taking a nap- moving some stuff and spoiling the evening. We have had students live in our house before, and for some reason he became totally at home. We had pretty horrible boundaries in that regard. I confronted her about it, in no uncertain terms stated the I suspected an affair (she said there was no possibility, and it hadn't in fact escalated to kissing at that point). I said I did not want to be a cuckold.
Two weeks later she and I were heading to NYC where she works in the summer, usually for 7-8 weeks. I came home early, so she was in NYC three more weeks. I was pretty bitter from constantly childrearing, doing all the housework, and being the slave to an energetic woman at work who came home a zombie. I wasn't very communicative at all.
D-day was four months ago. It is hands down the worst experience of my life, and it has dredged up a lot of painful memories- I was cheated on in a first marriage 17 years ago when I was 20.
I found out that they had kissed before we left for NYC, they had ignored it for a while, then built up heavy and very graphic Facebook conversations and some webcam shows in the three weeks I was gone. I found out the day she got back, thanks to a student tip.
I thought we were working toward recovery. We have seen counselors together and individually and we were on more even footing, with the usual interrogations, lying, and ups and downs. The entire time I knew she felt torn, like she was being pulled toward two men, in 'love' with both. We had countless discussions.
Last night I found out that she had not stopped contact. She continued to drop off books for him to read at his porch, and made sure to go through the drive-thru where he worked to see him from time to time.
One of her female students invited my wife to her schools performance of 'Spring Awakening'. Also invited was another male, and unbeknownst to me, the OM- they'd all been close friends at our two-year and had moved on. After the show they had some drinks and went back to her place to sleep over. I was directly lied to about who would be there, and who was there that night. The students did nothing to stop them from ending up in the same room alone, if anything they enabled it. I'm devasted by their lack of concern- any one of them could say 'Hey, she's trying to heal an affair' but no one did a thing.
So, four months into R the wife and OM got to have their sex. It 'wasn't what she expected' and days later realized the fog had lifted and she was able to 'let him go'. She had some sort of addiction to him. She read some things on this forum and seemed to make a new, fuller commitment to us. Last night, thanks to a student tip, I found out they were together. It took a lot of prying and many, many lies.
I'm utterly crushed. I KNOW I gave it an honest shot- used all the love languages and corrected many maladaptive behaviors, went to therapy, even considered that she might be polyamorous- All for nothing.
My wife and I have been married 11 years. We're both instructors at a two year school and have a 2 year old boy.
She is a music teacher, and has long hours away from home and close relationships with students-even more so during the school musicals which can get pretty emotional and cathartic. One night when I set up a romantic evening in the spare bedroom, she and her attractive young male protege both came in, and he took the liberty of going in and taking a nap- moving some stuff and spoiling the evening. We have had students live in our house before, and for some reason he became totally at home. We had pretty horrible boundaries in that regard. I confronted her about it, in no uncertain terms stated the I suspected an affair (she said there was no possibility, and it hadn't in fact escalated to kissing at that point). I said I did not want to be a cuckold.
Two weeks later she and I were heading to NYC where she works in the summer, usually for 7-8 weeks. I came home early, so she was in NYC three more weeks. I was pretty bitter from constantly childrearing, doing all the housework, and being the slave to an energetic woman at work who came home a zombie. I wasn't very communicative at all.
D-day was four months ago. It is hands down the worst experience of my life, and it has dredged up a lot of painful memories- I was cheated on in a first marriage 17 years ago when I was 20.
I found out that they had kissed before we left for NYC, they had ignored it for a while, then built up heavy and very graphic Facebook conversations and some webcam shows in the three weeks I was gone. I found out the day she got back, thanks to a student tip.
I thought we were working toward recovery. We have seen counselors together and individually and we were on more even footing, with the usual interrogations, lying, and ups and downs. The entire time I knew she felt torn, like she was being pulled toward two men, in 'love' with both. We had countless discussions.
Last night I found out that she had not stopped contact. She continued to drop off books for him to read at his porch, and made sure to go through the drive-thru where he worked to see him from time to time.
One of her female students invited my wife to her schools performance of 'Spring Awakening'. Also invited was another male, and unbeknownst to me, the OM- they'd all been close friends at our two-year and had moved on. After the show they had some drinks and went back to her place to sleep over. I was directly lied to about who would be there, and who was there that night. The students did nothing to stop them from ending up in the same room alone, if anything they enabled it. I'm devasted by their lack of concern- any one of them could say 'Hey, she's trying to heal an affair' but no one did a thing.
So, four months into R the wife and OM got to have their sex. It 'wasn't what she expected' and days later realized the fog had lifted and she was able to 'let him go'. She had some sort of addiction to him. She read some things on this forum and seemed to make a new, fuller commitment to us. Last night, thanks to a student tip, I found out they were together. It took a lot of prying and many, many lies.
I'm utterly crushed. I KNOW I gave it an honest shot- used all the love languages and corrected many maladaptive behaviors, went to therapy, even considered that she might be polyamorous- All for nothing.
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