I met my wife while studying on a university, when I was 19 and she was 20. We've been dating for 5 years and we've been married for 3. I think overall we always had a great relationship, we spent a lot of time together, we didn't argue a lot, we understood each other well and we were very close. We were best friends and also lovers. We got married quite young (me 24, she 25), but we really believed that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Couple months after we got married, she admitted to me that she cheated on me once. It happened while she was away on a conference. It hurt me deeply, but we stayed together. At that time I never even considered getting a divorce because I knew she regretted that and that she still loved me. I could sill trust her because she told me by herself and if she didn't tell me I would have no way of knowing.
4 months ago, she told me that she cheated on me several times over the past year with different guys. It happened when we were in a long-distance relationship for work reasons for 4 months and then again some time after we were back living together while I was away on a conference.
This time it was much harder for me. She told me herself, even though if she didn't I wouldn't have known. She lied to me directly only once and felt so bad about it that she confessed everything soon after. I know she regretted it each time afterwards and that it was really only about the sex for her. I also know that alcohol did play a role each time, though that's no excuse of course (and she doesn't use it as an excuse). Still, this was a huge shock for me and a massive breach of trust.
I didn't know what to do and was devastated, but I eventually decided to stay with her. This may be hard to understand for some people here. Part of the reason why I stayed was because she was (and still is) such a big part of my life that I couldn't imagine living without her. It's also because I know that despite of what she did she loves me and regrets it. It's also because I know that sometimes people just make mistakes. I made a few in my life and I hurt people close to me even though I didn't want to. It took me a while, but now I can believe that she is not a bad person even though she did something really bad.
I do trust her to some extent now. I know that if she does it again, she will at least tell me. I also know that she tries her best now, not to do it again, she doesn't put herself in situations where she could cheat on me again. I think I've been able to largely forgive her, though probably not completely. Writing about it now, brings the bad memories back. I know she is willing to sacrifice a lot for the relationship and that she is willing to put effort into it. She does realize how deeply she hurt me and I know she hates herself for it.
The problem is that even if I have really forgiven her, I can't really put this out of my mind. Not necessarily the cheating only, but the relationship as a whole. Before she was the most important point in my life and I was really sure that I want to spend my life with her. Now suddenly I have to start questioning this, and that is very hard for me and I find that I do not really have the answers. I don't know if staying with her is the best choice even assuming she will never do it again. I know she loves me know, but will it really last for the rest of our lives? I'm not sure if I love her anymore. Sometimes I'm convinced I do, but sometimes I start questioning this and then I'm not really sure.
I have anxiety issues and suffer from panic attacks. I've been getting better, but this of course started to bring the old issues back, which of course makes everything more complicated. When I have these issues it's hard for me to evaluate objectively my feelings. She still is a very important part of my life and the very though of leaving her brings out a lot of these issues. I'm afraid that being so fixated on her is bad and that maybe it would be bad even if she hadn't cheated on me. But on the other hand I really enjoyed spending time with her and perhaps it's only natural that leaving a person I've been extremely close with for 8 years is something I'm afraid of.
When we started dating I was really inexperienced and it was my first serious relationship. I'm afraid now that it was a mistake to marry her, when I was so inexperienced. But, we didn't plan it that way from the beginning, we married because we were very happy with each other. I'm also now get the occasional thoughts that if I wasn't with her, I could have sex with other women, which of course is something I would enjoy (and I think anyone who claims he wouldn't like to have sex with other women after several years of relationship is fooling himself). When everything was fine, I was perfectly willing to trade that for the relationship, now I'm not so sure.
All and all, I'm a mess and I don't really know what to do. Breaking up would be hard because we own an apartment together and share a lot of friends. The most difficult part would be leaving her. She's just still so important part of my life and not having her by my side would be like if some part of me have died. I could do it, but I would need to be convinced it is a right decision. I've never been so close with anyone before and I'm not sure I could be so close with anyone afterwards.
I realize most of you will tell me that she will cheat on me again. I realize that it's very possible and it's a big part of the reason why I'm having these thoughts. But I also think there's a hope that she will not do it again or at least not for a long time because I know she regrets it and that she doesn't want to hurt me.
I'm interested in any kind of thoughts, especially from people who went through something similar.
4 months ago, she told me that she cheated on me several times over the past year with different guys. It happened when we were in a long-distance relationship for work reasons for 4 months and then again some time after we were back living together while I was away on a conference.
This time it was much harder for me. She told me herself, even though if she didn't I wouldn't have known. She lied to me directly only once and felt so bad about it that she confessed everything soon after. I know she regretted it each time afterwards and that it was really only about the sex for her. I also know that alcohol did play a role each time, though that's no excuse of course (and she doesn't use it as an excuse). Still, this was a huge shock for me and a massive breach of trust.
I didn't know what to do and was devastated, but I eventually decided to stay with her. This may be hard to understand for some people here. Part of the reason why I stayed was because she was (and still is) such a big part of my life that I couldn't imagine living without her. It's also because I know that despite of what she did she loves me and regrets it. It's also because I know that sometimes people just make mistakes. I made a few in my life and I hurt people close to me even though I didn't want to. It took me a while, but now I can believe that she is not a bad person even though she did something really bad.
I do trust her to some extent now. I know that if she does it again, she will at least tell me. I also know that she tries her best now, not to do it again, she doesn't put herself in situations where she could cheat on me again. I think I've been able to largely forgive her, though probably not completely. Writing about it now, brings the bad memories back. I know she is willing to sacrifice a lot for the relationship and that she is willing to put effort into it. She does realize how deeply she hurt me and I know she hates herself for it.
The problem is that even if I have really forgiven her, I can't really put this out of my mind. Not necessarily the cheating only, but the relationship as a whole. Before she was the most important point in my life and I was really sure that I want to spend my life with her. Now suddenly I have to start questioning this, and that is very hard for me and I find that I do not really have the answers. I don't know if staying with her is the best choice even assuming she will never do it again. I know she loves me know, but will it really last for the rest of our lives? I'm not sure if I love her anymore. Sometimes I'm convinced I do, but sometimes I start questioning this and then I'm not really sure.
I have anxiety issues and suffer from panic attacks. I've been getting better, but this of course started to bring the old issues back, which of course makes everything more complicated. When I have these issues it's hard for me to evaluate objectively my feelings. She still is a very important part of my life and the very though of leaving her brings out a lot of these issues. I'm afraid that being so fixated on her is bad and that maybe it would be bad even if she hadn't cheated on me. But on the other hand I really enjoyed spending time with her and perhaps it's only natural that leaving a person I've been extremely close with for 8 years is something I'm afraid of.
When we started dating I was really inexperienced and it was my first serious relationship. I'm afraid now that it was a mistake to marry her, when I was so inexperienced. But, we didn't plan it that way from the beginning, we married because we were very happy with each other. I'm also now get the occasional thoughts that if I wasn't with her, I could have sex with other women, which of course is something I would enjoy (and I think anyone who claims he wouldn't like to have sex with other women after several years of relationship is fooling himself). When everything was fine, I was perfectly willing to trade that for the relationship, now I'm not so sure.
All and all, I'm a mess and I don't really know what to do. Breaking up would be hard because we own an apartment together and share a lot of friends. The most difficult part would be leaving her. She's just still so important part of my life and not having her by my side would be like if some part of me have died. I could do it, but I would need to be convinced it is a right decision. I've never been so close with anyone before and I'm not sure I could be so close with anyone afterwards.
I realize most of you will tell me that she will cheat on me again. I realize that it's very possible and it's a big part of the reason why I'm having these thoughts. But I also think there's a hope that she will not do it again or at least not for a long time because I know she regrets it and that she doesn't want to hurt me.
I'm interested in any kind of thoughts, especially from people who went through something similar.
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